If she says that she's needs time and space say something like this: "I couldn't agree more with you. I think we BOTH need some time and space to work on ourselves"
Do this.
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I think once the WAW gets to this point of leaving MC will not be beneficial. Don't worry about MC right now.
I disagree. MC can be beneficial.
But if someone doesn't want to go, then that's another story.
But if someone doesn't want to go, then that's another story.
My question on this view is, Why wasn't MC discuss when spouse was having problems with M.
For me and my sitch, I think since my W already decided to leave the house and M, that MC wasn't right at that time.
Also make sure the MC or IC doesn't start analyzing you when you were 10. I went to two sessions with wife and the C was horrible.
Just make sure th MC is solution oriented. IMO
If your W doen't want to go to MC, then you should go to IC for yourself.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
smm23, Has your W left yet or telling you she's looking for a place?
No, she has not left and does not intend on leaving. That is why I am so lost on the whole sitch. Until I bring something up, everything is fine. My IC says that she is most likely in MLC and that she has many problems inside (I can confirm this) from not just the things that I did but the way her family treated her. She does not know who to trust and she will not talk. She holds all of this inside and resents me and everybody else. I am hoping that if we find the right MC that they will recognize her internal problems that she does not trust me to help her with right now, and recommend an IC so that she can work those things out. I am very confident that if she gets the other problems worked out that we can reconcile. (Although I am not getting my hopes up anymore.) But I cannot get her to just go to IC. So since I got her to agree to go to MC I am hoping this plan works.
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
smm23, Don't worry about MC right now.
I wish I could. A few times before she left we had talked about marriage counseling and nothing was done until she went and got one. She considered it a last resort but told me that she just wanted to work a few things out. Nothing was ever worked out and a few months later she said that it was the last straw that since that did not work she was done trying. So I regret bringing it up on Monday, but if I do not follow through this time it will truly be the end I think.
You are right though, I treasure every moment I have with my son. Really is the only reason I have not moved out or asked her to. I have a fabulous relationship with him and I will not give that up for the world. So I am concentrating on losing weight and playing with my son. If she wants to come along for the ride I am willing. I just do not feel like I have anything left to give to her until she can show me that she wants to make things better.
I have been keeping up on your thread as well. Pretty tough stuff isn’t it? I feel like she has all of the cards and she thinks I do, that is why I hope she will listen to a mediator independent person like a MC. I finally have a solid head on my shoulders and I hope that she can forgive me and love me again. But I do not know how long I can go without feeling some love, other than my son. I light up every time he tells me that I am the best daddy in the world.
SMM 23 WOW... did you copy my posts ? wow.. So similar.. I too did some things I regret. Its very tough. My W has said the exact same things, and I am like you, when we talk I push to the extreme. My IC tells me to shut up. Others on here like Robx and Gucci and others will tell you to follow reality. I beleive that is true instead of your heart. I totally understand where you are. Keeping hope alive is very difficult. I am trying as well but it takes alot. I have asked my wife to forgive and love me again, but its like talking to a polar bear... They dont listen, and they dont care what you have to say. GAL GAL GAL>> Practice the DB techniques, which I struggle with at times. Hang in there and like you I have kids take care of your son and focus on him..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive smm23, Don't worry about MC right now.
I wish I could. A few times before she left we had talked about marriage counseling and nothing was done until she went and got one. She considered it a last resort but told me that she just wanted to work a few things out. Nothing was ever worked out and a few months later she said that it was the last straw that since that did not work she was done trying. So I regret bringing it up on Monday, but if I do not follow through this time it will truly be the end I think.
I am not saying don't goto MC. If your W is willing to go and PARTICIPATE that's one thing. If she is going to justify her actions then it is not productive.
My experience with MC was my W didn't have yuor heart in it and the MC was talking about how when I was 6 things fromed and that's the way I am. MC is good if you both want to work on the M. IC is better for working on you.
Quote:
I have asked my wife to forgive and love me again, but its like talking to a polar bear... They dont listen, and they dont care what you have to say.
Asking for forgiveness is OK, but then all we can do is wait for them to soften. As for asking her to love you again, well, that's not going to get you anywhere.
Expect your W to take out all her resentment on you. You are now a human punching bag for her. Listen to her, Validate her even though you may not agree with her.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Asking for forgiveness is major, SSM. It may not seem like a big deal and kind of simple but for a WAW it will show her that you are at least validating what she's saying and you are agreeing that she may be right about some things.
It's good she's still at home. Try to remain positive and upbeat.
Thanks Cesco and gr8 and soleil. It is most difficult becasue of the coming weekend. I have been thinking about just going away myself for a long weekend. Like I said, I am worn out. I need break from this roller coaster. I am gonig to research the MC's and then approach her again and say that we need to pick from these and go from there. Maybe she will back out, maybe not. Not this weekend though, got finals next week and I need to study. I have completed some more 180's, joined a gym and started playing soccer again. I stopped playing 4 years ago because I could not motivate myself do do anything. After recovering from knee surgery, and the height of my depression, I did not think I was good anymore. (Played professionally) So when I told her that I found a team and I started going to the gym, she noticed and said so. What that means, I have no idea. I think there is hope, but I am not worrying about it any longer, at least I am trying. Right now I am going to do what I want to do and let the shattered pieces fall where they may. I think I am going to go out this weekend to the bars. I have not done that in years, be another 180 that will make her think that I am getting on with life. I think my fear has been if I start doing that, so will she and that in the vulnerable state she is in any sweet talking guy will get her to do whatever. I don't know, just tired of it all.
It's good she's still at home. Try to remain positive and upbeat.
Yes, it is good she is at home. I really do not think she wants to leave, I think my behavior got to be intollerable. I can see that now. But it did get me to change my life to what I want it to be. I think her problem now is that she can't let go of the past. Not just with me but a lot of things. That will eat her alive becasue that is the problem I had when I became depressed. The other problem is that she does not trust my changes yet. She is still waiting for me to go back to what I was like before. So I guess time shall heal all wounds. A few times in our history I have told her I was going to change and I did for a while, but I never learned to deal with my problems. With the help of IC and DR, I have changed my life. So it will take consistency for her to believe I changed. I just hope she does not wait too long. I love her, but I need to be loved too.
I think my behavior got to be intollerable. I can see that now. I think her problem now is that she can't let go of the past. Not just with me but a lot of things. The other problem is that she does not trust my changes yet. She is still waiting for me to go back to what I was like before.
Yes to all of this. That is why it is imperative that you do 180s. If you used to get extremely upset about something... let it roll off your back the next time. This is why it's so important for you to stay positive yet not overbearing. Attractive is feeling good and being happy.
Elaborate on this self-described "intolerable" behavior...
[quote=SMM23 I really do not think she wants to leave, I think my behavior got to be intollerable. I can see that now. [/quote]
That is where apologies are a must. Make changes in action, and apologize. Let the other person know you at least noticed something. Apologies might be bad in validating something in a court room, but in love, I think it opens doors - sometimes....
