Thanks Allen. You have given me a ton of great advice. I will probably need to do some of those things. Like leaving the TSO out and making those phone calls. I just need to time it right.
I believe that things will eventually work out if I just take the high road here. I just would like to speed up the process if it's possible. Some of the things that are suggested here for me to do are not for the faint of heart. I guess that's where I struggle.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Ken, I honeslty can't see her as you write her leaving you and her kids for this man. It's just something she has to hold onto right now. OfficerInNeed's thread is in a similar spot. His wife is clearly not leaving for OM, but she wont' let go of it in her head yet...
You ARE doing it right ... NOW.. it just took you SO DAMN LONG to get up and FIGHT this thing man...
Timing IS important, so yes, take the time to do it right.
Note : Try NOT to RUSH the process. Your wife needs time to shift her attitude and if you PUSH that you can just make a big mess you have to clean up.
My advice is to keep pushing until you see she's in the right direction. Then back off and do everything you can to be inviting and wait for her to come to you.
You will find this is much like dating. There's a lot of subtext at play and you have to learn to work with it and not rush it... This is like dating a woman, you can't rush it or force it... Do everything you can to be inviting and wait for her to come to you.. that's usually a good approach from what I am reading
MWD says in DR patience isn't just important, its ESSENTIAL
he needs to back off of her and have fun with himself, worry about her if she needs it or several times a week. Right now she's not with you, and you can hurt yourself pretty bad. If you back off now, I believe she will see the difference - in that you where responding to her in a caring way and being responsible, and now you are just less available. She will notice this.
She'll have to get over OM, think about a breakup, how long does that take to get over? Probably several months?
Harley says affairs take in the area of 12 weeks for withdrawal to process.
Note : This is NOT a "break up".. its an addiction that she has to withdraw from.. Dont' dignify it as a romantic relationship or a break up to her by word... call a spade a spade and don't dignify it to your wife Ken, it will just make this whole thing take a LOT LONGER to process
OK thanks Allen and DLS. I have been backing off lately and I don't even talk to her much really unless she talks to me. She sleeps on the sofa and I just leave her alone.
I called the OM and asked him, "How are you doing at being a man of your word?" He said, "Huh?" I said, "You know - you told me you would not be calling her and you asked her not to call you?" He said, "Oh yeah, good!" I know he was lying because I know from phone logs that he talked to her yesterday and the day before. Then he told me that he and his wife were moving to California probably in July which may or may not be true depending on whether his wife gets the job she is interviewing for. I just pray that he does and that he doesn't try to maintain contact with W after that. I wanted to confront him more, but I think he was driving with his cell phone because our conversation got static and got cut off. It's probably a good thing, because I wanted to say, "I have a hard time believing that you were once a Christian."
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
OK thanks Allen and DLS. I have been backing off lately and I don't even talk to her much really unless she talks to me. She sleeps on the sofa and I just leave her alone.
I called the OM and asked him, "How are you doing at being a man of your word?" He said, "Huh?" I said, "You know - you told me you would not be calling her and you asked her not to call you?" He said, "Oh yeah, good!" I know he was lying because I know from phone logs that he talked to her yesterday and the day before. Then he told me that he and his wife were moving to California probably in July which may or may not be true depending on whether his wife gets the job she is interviewing for. I just pray that he does and that he doesn't try to maintain contact with W after that. I wanted to confront him more, but I think he was driving with his cell phone because our conversation got static and got cut off. It's probably a good thing, because I wanted to say, "I have a hard time believing that you were once a Christian."
Make sure you focus on having fun, and your wife will be there if she will be there. Don't worry about the situation, it drags me down when I think about how everything is currently situated and I know it does you. Don't worry about that, have a good time, build or rebuild good and fruitfull relationships and you will be straight.
If you call him just tell him you can tell from his voice he's lying.
I am noticing a lot of LBS' try to factually PROVE infidelity with material evidence... It's pointless.
It is likley just due to our education, we are taught to work with facts and argue our case, be it in the boardroom, medical office, or any other industry really... argue your case.. stick to the facts
When you are dealing with an addict, you just have to tell him
I KNOW.. and then deliver your consequences if you have any leverage...otherwise, there's not much point in calling.
OIN, my advice is to call his wife. I don't expect her to do anything, but I woudl'nt be surprised if it still bothered him. I can't imagine he wouldn't care about that... Most WS' do NOT want you talking to the LBS of the third party... they don't like it...
If he DOES reveal that it is bothering him, you have some leverage... if there is contact, you call his wife.. each time he calls your wife, you call his
Back to my point... you can't argue the case with OM... Just tell him you know he's been contacting her and hit him with the consequences and hang up
Calling him names and suggesting he isn't a christian, seriously, he doesn't care... He thinks this whole thing is a GAME.. he gets an EGO trip from your wife slobbering over him... It's pathetic, but for him its a huge rush of excitement... he gets his ego stroked each time he gets a call or makes a call
Your telling him he's not a christian? He couldn't care less
Find some leverage and use it, or don't waste your time calling him.. UNLESS you CALLING him bothers him, but it doens't seem to bother him at all...
Don't be coy, if you call, tell him you know and hit him with conseuences or don't call... If you call and don't tell him why and ask him if he's keeping his word, he just takes you for a coward... He's been hitting on your wife... If you call him and ask him if he's been keeping his word he just thinks you are funny... A funny little man he can walk on because his wife dreams about him... Dont cater to that... hit him with leverage if you have it or don't waste your time
I have mostly been leaving W alone lately, just because I don't want to come across as "pursuing", based on the advice I have learned from on here. But as I was getting ready to leave with the kids for church this morning, I was running late and the OM called my wife's cell phone as he does every week thinking I was already gone. My wife was busy helping the kids get ready and I tried to call him back to say, "How can I help you?" and "How are you doing on keeping your word?" and confront him about his lying, but I just got a busy signal.
This evening, I decided to GAL a bit and took one of my kids to a park. When I returned, my older D came out to tell me that while I was gone, W spoke for awhile to OM on the phone. I went in to make my younger one some dinner and W noticed that I probably looked a bit distraught and asked me "What?" I said, "Nothing. I don't have anything to say - maybe next week." She kept probing me for what I had to say, but I stuck to "Ask me next week." (I'm thinking after my D's birthday party.) She said, "If it's about my future, I need to know about it." But I just left the room.
I'm thinking I need to get that TSO filled out and I probably need to actually go through with it as much as I don't want to.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
