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I agree with everything you say, it sounds like he is addicted to gambling and porn. And you cannot fix the marriage without dealing with the underlying problems first. Good luck. I hope you are working on saving yourself too, that is the first rule of lifesaving.

Thanks Lotus! I'm curious as to what some other people will say as well as DB coach. I just feel like the problem needs to be addressed and a "bottom" created for him. Right now he is literally living a double life - his family members are probably enabling him and don't even know it because they don't know what is going on. I have known this man for 15 years - I am willing to forgo my chance at reconcilliation if it means he can get help. If I try and I pushes him further away at least I can go to sleep knowing I tried and move on the best I can.

I am not really sure what I think.

IMO if you decide to go this route I would stick to an expert (intervention expert that is). Unless a DB Coach has experience in addictions/interventions.

I think you are making a choice on what is most important and if that is your choice than the rebuilding of the marriage (and the steps you are taking to do that) will have to be put on hold.

All the best!

I'm really confused. Ugh.

What are you confused about?

I just don't know what to do. Like I said I feel like he is self destructing and has a problem. I also recognize I can't make him do anything or change him. In a way I want to confront him so he can "wake up" and hopefully get help. Another part of me is scared to do that because maybe I am scared it will make things worse and come across as "begging" or something and then push him away. But I'm worried that if the problem is not addressed then it's possible all DBing is fruitless. I am so upset today. I am so sad. I hate being put of control - I just wish someone could tell menhat to do.

Maybe it would be best to just keep DBing and hope that he will realize what he is doing?

It doesn't work that way, Ann. He won't wake up by you confronting him. It will probably make matters worse.

You can't do anything to "make" him change. He has to "want" to change.

He has to hit rock bottom before he even wants to change. Concentrate on yourself for now and get your self-esteem back on track.

I'm not talking about just confronting him. I'm talking about having an intervention with his family. He is an addict.

I have confronted him before and that has not worked because there have been no consequences. He has had me keep this secret, he is in denial. I think he knows he has a problem - otherwise why would you ask soemone to keep it a secret? Why would you have secret email accounts? Why when I found out would you say you feel like dying?

I just got off the phone with the interventionst. He said I need to bring the parents into the picture and let them know what is going on. He said we would have a phone call with the parents and me to explain the prcoess. The interventionist would fly out and meet with us for a day to go over everythign and then we would confront husband and ask him to go to treatment. It is not forcing. It is setting boundaries. If he does not go that is his choice.

I want to at least get DB coaches thoughts on this tomorrow.

Basially interventionist said that no matter what happens with the marriage I still care about husband and what he is doing with his life that is true.

But with any addict if there are no consequences for their actions their behavior will never change. We are basically enabling him to continue to live this way - his parents are continuing to enable him to live this way by giving him a place to live, stuff to eat.

Intervention isn't making anyone do anything. It is confronting the person with your concerns, laying out the consequences if they do not get help and they have to make a decision with what they want to do.