Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

standing up to say........me too.

Babydoll, there is nothing you can do to make your H come back but you CAN push him farther away by being pushy, pursuing and being emotional. I know you are pregnant and my WH left whenI was 7 months pregnant so I truly know how scared, sad and confused you feel.

NC is best for now. It sounds like you are open to him attending dr. appts (I was too). So aside from those, NO relationship talk AND NC. Just give some time and space, check out laws regarding child custody etc. just in case, but you have 7 more months before your baby boy arrives, and you should just keep yourself busy.

Something I did that I'm grateful for is make a baby blanket using cross stitch (I can't crochet or knit). Now my 8 month old boy loves to grab the animals on the blanket! But that project occupied my hands and gave me something to focus on, complete, etc. I recommend that you find a project like that!

newmama has good advice for you!

I bought Divorce Remedy... really helpful. I almost feel sad because had I noticed signs sooner, or had he not left, she offers so much good advice on how to repair the little things, and how baby steps go along way. I'm not sure he is ever coming back... but I did stop contacting him. I actually feel better not talking to him, as I do not get anything good out of it. Trying to pick up the pieces because my little baby boy is coming in July, and I have no choice and want to be a great mommy. I am a rather impatient person, and expect too much too soon, and the baby coming is almost like my mental deadline; its scary to think if he has a change of heart after the baby is born (not sure he ever will), that it will have been for the wrong reasons. I am doubting everything we ever had for the past 12 years and am not sure I believe he ever loved me. I just dont understand how a person can hurt someone so profoundly especially when I was the absolute happiest I ever was months ago... just when i thought life couldnt get any better...

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know your pain, and wish I could take it away. I also want my husband and my life back, not a best friend (which is what he is also pushing for today). My story is a bit different from yours, and I am a few months ahead of you in the pregnancy, with only 2.5 months to go before my baby girl is born. I think the more time you have, the better.

Here's my story (fyi, my thread is '6 months pregnant and husband involved in PA')........

I am 35 and am 6 months pregnant, and my husband (39) left me 3 days after touching down in the country at Xmas, saying he ‘loved me but was not in love with me anymore’, that he’d had an affair (someone we’ve known a long time) and he was still in love with her. I couldn’t believe it. I told him in no uncertain terms, to leave.

This all followed 3 months of us being forced to live apart as we transitioned back from Europe (where he comes from and where we just lived for 2 great – I thought- years) to the Southern Hemisphere (where I am from and where we have lived for most of the 15 years we have been together – 13 of those married). We’ve lived separately since the announcement (bar the first two days) – me at my parents, where I was still ‘camping’ until we got re-established on his return; he’s staying with mutual friends.

His announcement came totally out of the blue, no warning signs. Okay, he was not the happiest person on earth, but our life was stressful (his job was all-demanding, me having difficulty finding work, hard time getting pregnant – needed treatment, he had an MS scare, etc etc) and moving countries is very stressful, and I think I just put any problems down to that. But he says he has had doubts and denied been unhappy (out of love) with me for years, but it’s all bubbled to the surface now and needs to be true to himself and not stay in a relationship out of guilt or to please me or others – even if there is a soon-to-be child involved. He said in a recent (our first) co-parenting therapy session, initiated by me, that he thought ours had been a relationship of “co-dependency”. Weeks before he had said things like “What we had was beautiful and true, but it’s now gone”.

I have experienced the usual stages of grief and shock, disbelief and denial. Everyone around us was also so shocked, our families most of all, and thought he was having a nervous breakdown. I tried to argue with him, convince him his feelings must be deceiving him, I fought him. I also did the opposite. I counselled him, comforted him, supported him. Over the first 6 or so weeks, during the scarce face-to-face contact we had, all of this pushed him further away -from being 99% sure we were over, to him being 100 % sure.

While I think I did rely on him too much, we never addressed this as a couple, in order to strengthen the marriage and move on. And now he won’t give me the chance (he’s not interested in giving it a go at all) and says there is no point going over what was wrong with the relationship and that sometimes there are no explanations. It would only create more hurt. But I am the sort of person that requires explanations... I don’t know how to handle being loved one minute, dropped the next. It’s too shocking and ungraspable.

I realise now that we clearly had different essential values, which becoming a parent has brought to the surface. He is looking for work interstate so doesn’t plan to be around for the day to day stuff. And he has said adamantly that he will return to Europe to live eventually – no timeframe given. So I can’t even plan on him being around to help me with the task in any substantial way (although financially he will put in). His father abandoned him at birth, and growing up without a father (in any ‘traditional’ sense) is normal to him and he sees no problem in leaving that as a legacy for his own child. We didn’t have an unplanned pregnancy. After a year of trying, we were successful after the first round of fertility treatment. We were happy!

Today he wants to establish good relations with me, remain best friends, so we can co-parent. He is saying all the time “I love this child and I will be its father”. But it seems incongruous with my idea of what a loving father should be doing – first, not abandoning his 15 year relationship overnight (who does that?), and two, being responsible parent (ie. one who parents, not one who leaves!).

As for his affair, although I think it has played a huge role in his decisions (he talked early on in wanting to be “in love” and not settling for less – nor wanting me to settle for less, for that matter) in the first month or so since his arrival, I think the un-likelinhood of it going any further (given she lives on the other side of the world and that their affair has been exposed to everyone close to us – by him, myself and the gossip mill) is draining energy from it. I think he was holding on to the ‘high’ it was giving him – today he seems more depressed, so I’d say hopes of it blossuming are fading.

I am finding it very hard to handle the reality of the situation and moving forward. I want to do everything possible to make it up with him in the hope he comes back, and at the same time think it would be better if I never saw him again (so hard for me even to write..). Opposite extremes. Making it hard for me to move forward with my life. Sometimes I think and tell him that I would rather he leave now and let me do this job of bringing up a baby alone without him, the next day I invite him to Drs appointments and classes etc in the hope it will trigger an awareness of the situation (to which he comes, providing he is around and providing I agree to keep it calm). He seems to be lost in a ‘fantasy’ idea – once it was vis-a-vis the woman he was having an affair with, and today it’s the child.

The last time I saw him, I was crushed to see him looking pale and drained. I still love him so much. I think he is very isolated, and lonely, as his main support networks are 10,00-kms away, and he no longer really has my family or friends. But nonetheless determined to go forward with his plan - it's what he says he wants, after all.

Everyone tells me to move forward without any expectations that he will come back, and to look after me and the baby. I do try. But my love for him, and perhaps my hormones, are driving me to want our family-unit to be together. I am also getting very tired of people saying “it’s very important you let him have a relationship with the baby and make it a good one” - I just feel like I am erased in that equation...like an incubator - not a person with feelings and needs.

I come from a ‘model’ divorced family (my parents and step-parents are all friends and did their best to put personal gripes aside – it wasn’t easy, but it was way better than most), so I know how important it is to think what is best for the kids. But in this situation, I don’t seem capable at this stage in my grief to place the baby before me (though I try and succeed occasionally). I just want him back. And don’t know how to do it.

Ladies i so know where u are at. For all gory details my thread is here we go again.

I can totally feel what Piano does with both feelings on opposite spectrums.

I'm stuck as how to proceed.

Dear JStar, I promise to catch up with your thread. I hope you find some peace today. I am wondering whether to call H and wish him a safe trip interstate. I know you are not meant to do what you don't 'feel' like doing, but what works. But not sure what works anymore.

Are you in the going dark phase?

Only advice i could give is the less you send msgs or call like he may expect, the NC will or could make him think, hmm w didn't call/text me, I wonder.....

It may come across as pursuing.

the ironic thing is that during the first of our seperation, i didn't feel like i could do much changing in myself, i just implemented the lrt went completely dark but didn't come out of it well. when i broke silence i went back to my same patters and behaviours.

ex: being judgemental, advising h, going overboard.

i did allow him in delievery room, and he said yes we should work it out, but 1 day after we brought kidos home he messed up greatly, and i did the next day.

he doesn't understand it's a process of going back and forth. i think i need to chill for a bit.

Hi Jstar. No, I am not "going dark". Can't do it. The time I did go dark (2 weeks was my all-out best), there was a marked improvement in his concern about me - he sounded panicky, but no change of heart in terms of coming back to the relationship.

You write: "the ironic thing is that during the first of our seperation, i didn't feel like i could do much changing in myself, i just implemented the lrt went completely dark but didn't come out of it well. when i broke silence i went back to my same patters and behaviours."

Absolutely. I think there's no point going dark unless you CAN change. Maybe some of us have more hope of positively changing ourselves if we have a little bit of contact. Maybe that's more true for pregnant ladies? All-out NC seems to me an unreasonable thing for a pregnant woman to endure (a life-in-the-making is an unsual set of circumstances, particulary for a first-time mum, and no contact with the father is terrifying on top of the normal terrors!). Having said that, my experience was that NC can be beneficial for small periods of time, at times when you are really angry or mega-destructive, for example.

You also write about a "back and forth" process. Yes. I understand. That's my experience That's life, isn't it?

I really need to read your thread & about how you let him into the delivery room, and what followed.... xx

Piano and Jstar... so sad to hear this happens more than it ever should. H agree to go to Co-Parenting counseling last week, i basically told him I have a really hard time being around him and cant figure out how I am supposed to let him in the baby's life. I can not forgive him for not wanting to go to marriage therapy with me to work on us. And I will always Hate him for this. Dont think I could ever forgive him for the pain he is putting me through. However, I am not about to change the person that i am, and i would never forgive myself for denying my son the chance of knowing his father. if he wants to screw up as a father than so be it, and if need be, i will protect my child as a mother, but he has to do this according to my terms... and not ones out of spite or anger.

H thinks we should remain "best friends" ; he seems very unaware of the severity of the situation. Some think he will not wake up until the baby is born. regardless, if he does or doesnt, I am preparing to be the best mommy, even if it is alone. H wants to be a hand on father, and i have to figure how to stand my ground on this and how to co-parent this little boy. and to cover things like, will I feel better or worse if he is in the delivery? when the baby comes home? how do we do this together?
I have so many concerns and hope that a joint counselor will help. We each see psychologists separetly, and my shrink thinks it is huge that he does want to go. H mentioned to a mutual friend that he is happy we are going together to see counseling. i havent made the appointment yet, because this week, I am too angry with him. I am tired of crying and running things over my mind and trying to make sense of this all. I have not spoken to him for almost a week, as of right now, which is huge for me. Hope i can keep this up. It hurts, i still get really upset, but when we dont talk, there is no arguing or blank answers and i dont feel any worse.

one thing i do know is everytime I feel the baby move, or pickup a small onesie for him at a store, or even think of him, I feel happy, like I havent felt in 2 months. maybe they are little angels who come into our lives to get us through this awful situation we are in the middle of.

today was not a great day... hope it turns around for the best for all of us.