Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Took my wife for granted, now she is done. help!

True. I do realize that and I am pursuing it with those intentions. It is realy hard to not let the possiblity of her noticing creep in alittle.

I have a question, I bought ticket a while ago for a concert of one of our favorite bands. The show is in a week or so and I really want to go with her. I know she will go regardless. How should I approach this, in your opinion? It could be a good time for us (remembering our relationship at an earlier, happier time) or could it be an issue of "pursuing". I don't think I will be having any physical contact with her but being there together could be a really great thing.
Thoughts?

Any help, from anyone, Would be soo great. My mind races all day every day and I can't sleep. Please help?!

did you get the tickets together, intending to go together?

Stop pursuing.

Are the concert tickets together or do you each have separate tickets to the same event? If you really enjoy the band then you should go.

Best if you can find someone else to hang with at the show. Sit away from your W. If she says anything to you then you acknowledge, be pleasant, but end the convo quickly and return your attention to your friend.

If the seats are together and you think you can control yourself then go. Again, be pleasant but not overly friendly. It is NOT a date. You are there to enjoy the music and nothing more. If you cannot control your pursuing impulses then sell the ticket and use the money to do some other fun, GAL activity.

Thanks pearlharbor,
they are together. I realize the last thing she wants to do right now is go on a date with me. I think I can be respectfully distant during the show. It will be hard but I would rather be there, next to her with no connection or interaction than not be there at all.

Tattoo_you,

I agree with Kimmie Lee. It is important not to pursue your W at this time. If you already had this planned then go with it. Do not have any expectations or think that something may come from this. Just have fun for yourself, so there are no disappointments.

Thanks lsg,
I really do want to enjoy myself. Having expectations for a good time with her are doubtful. She is really upset and doesn't believe I can change. It's hurtful but I can't blame her for feeling that way. I'm hopeful that I can change for the better, regardless of the outcome.

You're not getting it. The first part reeks of desperation and if that's what you're going to exude then it's only going to push her further away. Don't even think about having a good time with her. You must act as though the mail carrier is sitting next to you--someone you recognize but with whom you are not overly friendly or familiar. That means no chatting, no hand holding, only speaking to her when answering a question.

If you have any doubts you can do this then don't go. Or ask at the box office if you can switch your seat.

Honestly I do feel pretty desperate but I totally understand what your saying. I don't think she would respond well to chatting or attempts at hand holding anyway. So I know it's a bad idea. It will be tough but I think I can get through it successfully.

Hey Tatt...sorry you're going through this crap. I really am. If it's any consolation to you your story is so very, very familiar. Hang in there.

I'm going through a similar situation that hit me totally out of the blue. Yes, I took my wife's love for granted. It was solidd as a rock and I took that as "cleared hot" to do all the things I wanted/needed to do in order to advance my career and hit retirement with the military. Now..way late in the game, I'm finding that I was not there when I needed to be and my marriage has paid the price. We are still married and not even legally separated but we are living in different states. The separation is more job related but it's still a separation that may well lead to a legalization..formalization of that condition. So, I feel your pain and have been dealing with it for nearly 5 months.

I did all the things you did. I begged, I pleaded, I took all of the blame on myself. What did I get for it? Lots of sleepless nights, loss of job productivity, loss of some credibility on the job...in otherwords, I got nothing good out of it. Afer getting over the initial shock I hit some individual therapy and I have discovered some things about myself that I never fully understood. I've honestly identified some things that need to change...anger and emotional dependency being the two primary areas. So, I'm working on these. Not for her, not for the marriage but for me. First and foremost, it'll make me a better father to my son and daughter but it will also make me a better person. A better employee when I retire from Uncle Sam and a better leader for those who do and will work for me. Yes, the catalyst to seek these changes was the failing of my marriage but that was the catalyst, not the sustaining motivation.

Do NOT pursue her. Let me say that again...DO NOT pursue her. All you will do is drive her further away. Avoid confronting her with the relationship. Leave it alone. Internalize it, post it here, keep a journal...I don't care where you "vent" but don't do it to her. All that will do is drive her further away. If you can convince her to at least try some counseling make sure your counselor is interested in saving a marriage rather than arranging an amicable divorce. There is a difference and you need to be sure you're getting the marriage saving option.

You are a good person (I am assuming) but you have faults. Who among us does not? As long as you didn't physically or verbally abuse her you've got a chance. As long as you aren't a serial cheater...you've got a chance. Do NOT beat yourself up. This is HER decision...not yours.

This next part was the hardest thing for me to embrace but what few gains I have seen have come directly from this concept:

Learn to love her by letting her go. If she needs space..give it. If she needs to leave...let her. DO NOT try to hold onto her. Let go. You've got 6 months (your words...not mine) before she can leave. Give her space and don't try to convince her to stay. Just do your 180's and Get A Life (GAL). Remain pleasant and fun....be the guy she wants to hang out with but don't cling, don't grasp...just let go. It's hard and it hurts but it seems to be working in very small increments for me.

Keep us posted. Hang in there.