Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WAH in MLC with PA

I watched "what the bleep? Down the rabbit hole" tonight.
It was interesting and a couple of things stood out for me. Here is the first:

One of the lecturers talked about changing oneself as crossing a river.
On one side where you're at you know everything about that side. It's familiar and comfortable.

You know you want to go to the other side but don't know what exactly is there.

You step into the river and suddenly notice it's cold and the current is stronger than you thought it would be and actually pretty dangerous.

The moment you analyze how you feel in that moment you lose sight of the other side and run back to the familiar, comfortable and common side.

That feeling is a moment that is based on your mind trying to reaffirm your current personality (as it does daily without your knowing)

If you become aware of what that moment is and means and you ride it out, you get to the other side and change.

Do you think it is possible to become addicted to feeling badly about yourself? Almost a victim mentality of sorts?

I was trying to figure out why I would push Hs buttons and talk to him by phone knowing what the outcome would be..

The documentary (sort of) also talked about addiction as being partly a body chemical response (gets complicated).

Basically the idea is that we bring to ourselves situations that fulfill the biochemical cravings of the cells of our bodies by creating situations that meet our chemical needs.

So, if I've been used to years of feeling badly about myself that sends certain chemicals to my body's cells. If I stop feeling badly those cells, expecting those chemicals, send withdrawal signals to my brain to force me to act to get that feeling back and those chemicals released again. Part of that can be the brain bringing up memories or longings to elicit emotion or action.

Maybe that's what goes on with me when I do dumb things like talking to H when I know what the result will be... Cuz I was feeling good about myself and haven't for a very long time before then... The "norm" for years has been for me to not like myself. The opposite is new for me.

Having a hard time getting motivated today. I've been lounging around thinking for too long now and need a kick in the butt. I'm not that flexible though.

My mom has started the victim thing...worried about losing touch with my kids though I assured her before that I wouldn't let that happen. I thought it would happen closer to her moving out, but I guess not... She got upset because I asked to be left alone and not bothered. She's been doing the same thing H used to do. Trying to do things for me that I can do on my own. Neither of them get that all I want is the freedom to do things (or not) and make mistakes on my own. I feel incapable when I'm smothered. She's being codie and I'm trying to stand on my own.

Example- I had been considering ways to renovate the basement so maybe she wouldn't have to move, that maybe the extra space would be enough.

Left the dishes undone in the sink from Fri night to Sat afternoon. I hear her stomping around the kitchen talking aloud how they would not get done by themselves, blah blah.

It took her less than a day to forget/ignore the discussion we had that I wanted her to stop taking over everything re: laundry, dishes that I needed to be more independent.

I told her nope, renovations would not work.

Today she huffed and puffed and finally went out by herself and told me to tell the kids she'd see them in the morning (insert whiny voice here)

So I decided I needed to make sure I didn't look like crap this time when H comes by to drop the kids off... and since H thinks I was going to meet a friend (but not my separated female one) I thought I'd get myself looking as hot as I could, but slightly rumpled (LOL). I plan on coupling it with that half smile you can't keep off your face when you've had a good night if you know what I mean... ;P

So after I kicked myself in the butt (almost gave myself a charley horse doing it) I redyed my hair, tousled it up ala Pretty Woman, got my best pushup/feel good undies on (sorry gents) put on a skirt and a low cut (but not ho territory) top that showed my girls off.. LOL

Just finished the makeup (nice if I do say so myself) and plan to have "just gotten in" when he drops them off in an hour or so. Since my mom is off having a snit who knows where right now and won't be home until late, I can use her as an excuse as to why I came home early should he ask. Won't say she's in a snit, just that I knew she wanted to stay out later and said I'd make sure I was home.

I do NOT plan on saying much, just smiling to myself in the cat-ate-canary way and focusing on the kids, not him.

The skirt is a big deal as I used to wear them (some naughty , some nice) all the time when we were dating, but stopped when the first kiddo arrived and went to the (bleck) stretch jogging pants.

Trying to recoup my mojo.. dust it off, polish it up, etc.

If he makes any comments about my claim to still be married, I'll let him know I am, but there are very patient people all over the place...And I'm worth the wait...

Will let ya know how it plays out...

Got a glare from H... I just smiled wider and concentrated on my D.
D3 asked if I was going to talk to daddy... I just said probably not...H said very funny... I laughed and just walked by with D in my arms..

I made sure I passed close enough so he could smell my perfume though..

Now I feel better because I did look good...

Old friends are contacting me about seeing pics on Hs FB page of OW with MY kids...

Why the hel! Am I the one having to explain his crap!!!

GRRRRRRRRR

(no I haven't looked for myself)

(((DG)))

Sounds like your day started off well...too bad it is ending this way. What a b-turd! I have had to be the one to explain my sitch too and it pisses me off!

Well, what can you do? He is obviously not hiding anything if it is on his FB...

Her is going to feel like such a fool someday!!!

Hang in there! You are working on getting your mojo back!!!

At this moment I am certainly hoping he does... Not nice, but honest...

Grrrrrrrrrr

B-turd is right!

(still haven't looked though)

You are doing great, don't look. Do you have a standard answer? Like many here, I've been falling back on, "H was kidnapped by aliens. We pray for his safe return." A little laugh & off they go.

But mine doesn't have a FB page. Or another woman.

Yet.

I'm glad you looked good. I'm starting to dig some of these recently uncovered curves I've got going.

I can't wait to feel pretty again.

Warning: Rant follows

I am so angry at the disrespect shown to me and what H and I have tried to build all these years. I had said as much to him on Friday and he said life YOU wanted to have. When I asked him what his answer was every time I asked him what he wanted, he told me I wanted YOU to be happy so I went along with you. I told him that was not what I needed or expected from him. I needed honesty about his needs and wants and that he never gave me a chance to be the partner he needed me to be.

Of course, being rational to a MLCer is like trying to get two magnets of the same force to touch each other - futile!

At this moment, I'm not sure I'm standing or what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm angry, frustrated and hurt and don't know what the hel! to do with those feelings as I've never been able to deal with my emotions effectively or with grace. I was never allowed to as a child and I'm lost at how to do it as an adult.

There is so much organization-wise I need to do in my and my childrens' life to make it easier and better (that H prevented me to do because his childhood was rigidly structured and ruled by an iron fist). It ticks me off that I can't get H and his BS out of my head long enough to do it because of those emotions that I don't know what to do with...

God this sucks... I feel like I'm barely treading water...