hey PEI, so i noticed you're a big advocate of 'how to improve your marriage without talking about it.' i have found it to be one of the best i've read too. it speaks volumes to me and understanding the male/female fear/shame dynamic is fascinating. it helps put things in so much perspective now.
btw, did you consider getting a db coach? it has been a huge help for me and she has helped me to understand that i need to make a safe space for H to come back to. i asked a while back about the mlc thing and she said, i would still have the same approach we discussed but would just take longer. by far, the best thing i've done so far and it's tailored to your sitch.
just my 2 cents. btw, hope you enjoyed dancing and the movie!
hey PEI, so i noticed you're a big advocate of 'how to improve your marriage without talking about it.' i have found it to be one of the best i've read too. it speaks volumes to me and understanding the male/female fear/shame dynamic is fascinating. it helps put things in so much perspective now.
This is one of my faves! I'm reading Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus right now - and finding this one a huge help too! An oldie but a goodie!
Originally Posted By: pandora
btw, did you consider getting a db coach? it has been a huge help for me and she has helped me to understand that i need to make a safe space for H to come back to. i asked a while back about the mlc thing and she said, i would still have the same approach we discussed but would just take longer. by far, the best thing i've done so far and it's tailored to your sitch.
I've been speaking with DB Coach Cheryl a few times since late March. I'm currently saving so I can call again ... I LOVE her perspective and have found her extremely helpful! The 'safe place' thing is huge. I figure if and when he's ready to come back, facing his own shame is going to be hard enough, I don't need to be adding to it!
Skipped the dancing, but the movie was great ... hope you had a great weekend too!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I figure if and when he's ready to come back, facing his own shame is going to be hard enough, I don't need to be adding to it!
You are on it girl.
This is the right way to look at this. It(his choices) is not about you.
H is on his own journey, hopefully (right?) he will grow into a person YOU will have back.
Punishing them only means you have not healed...
Yeah - I know this is going to be a long ride, and a bumpy one at that, but I can see signs of this already. He's actually stepped up and is managing his money, parenting without me for backup and doing fine, shopping for his own clothes, meeting friends (even fairly new male friends *phew*) socially, being considerate (phone calls if he's going to be late/early) etc. He's got a long way to go, but for now he does seem to be on the right track. The more I observe, the more I realize just how unempowered he was. I want a husband, a man, that I can respect and who respects me. Everyday I get a little more comfortable in my own skin and with myself. I'm really getting to a place where I feel like I WANT him but don't NEED him.
Hi SA and Eric ... thanks ... today is a good day!
I'm currently reading Mars/Venus and it's been a real eye opener for me! We, H and I, very much fit the gender stereotypes as described. I'm learning a lot about what motivates each of us and how to express myself without invoking a negative response from H. I'm also really learning to not take it personally (thanks also to Laura Munson for that tidbit!). Last night H had some work left to do and discovered that he had left a file at his sister's house. I was getting ready to watch a movie. He decided to take the laptop with him and then work there for a couple of hours. I didn't say much, but then got upset when he left because it was supposed to be family/us time on Sundays. After he left, I was thinking about it from a Mars/Venus perspective and realized that this project was one he promised to have done by today and since following through is on his list of goals it was very important to him. He knew I was watching a movie so what should it matter to me right? Anyway, he worked for an hour then called to say he was on his way home. He came into the bedroom and sat with me and chatted (I paused the movie when he came in) for about an hour then went to bed. Reframing it in my head made a big difference in my mood when he landed back. No sulking, or being off ... just friendly chatting.
I'm still a little torn about how to handle next weekend. H has said he doesn't think he needs a party (which in Venusian would mean "please plan one for me to show how much you care" ... and I've learned, in Martian means "he doesn't think he needs a party" go figure LOL).
So that means he's home alone on Friday night, we're supposedly switching family day to Saturday (to accomodate him BBQing with Ag and the boyfriend on Sunday eve after his other committment) but he's got plans to play chess with my BIL Saturday night so no 'us' time at all this weekend it seems. Do I say anything? Do I just take him out to supper with the kids on Saturday and leave it at that? I've already been told that the bottle of Scotch and the midnight visit are probably not a good idea ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
at first I was focusing on WHEN we were going to make it ... now I'm just going to focus on me and believe I, and we, will survive this
this is great! i will have to hold onto this to keep some sort of hope alive!
will add mars/venus to my book collection...thanks for mentioning it!
Quote:
I realize just how unempowered he was
i *think* for men, this is huge. i'm in a similar sitch where control, acceptance and validation were also an issue. i can now see how much pain and hurt i caused my H. part of a backslide i believe i had last week was really hurting him after he started to feel safer. it's like he opened up and boom!, i just whacked him over the head and reminded him that i am still controlling (i didn't even realize this until the coach walked me through it). and it was a good lesson learned to NOT snoop!
you know i read this really interesting thread from a WAS that shed some light on what can bring the LBS to where they are (although MLC is a diff't beast so it may not be relevant). i'll share it here if you're interested.
I hear ya. I'm thinking that next weekend I really need to back off and let him have his birthday weekend the way he wants it, not the way I want him to want it . Instead of getting insecure as a result of my perception of him not wanting to spend time with me (and seriously, who wouldn't want to spend time with me ... I'm fabulous ... ok cheesie, but the self esteem is coming), I'm going to remember that his choices are about him, and his needs, and not a reflection of me. And really ... chess with my BIL is certainly a better choice than he's been making lately!
Would love for you to share the thread here ... the more info the better right ... give us a link ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
sounds like a plan...i bet he will really appreciate it and it will give you one less thing to think about. and um...yes you're fabulous, no doubt about that girlfriend!
preface to the post below...i don't want anyone to feel at fault who reads this. it just really helped give me perspective about the WAS. my H has even told me flat out...the way you are feeling now is how i felt for several years (ouch! for H and I both).
Thanks pandora! At first I thought H was just a WAH (it's a big piece of what we've got going on) but there is definitely an MLC component too so I try to keep up on both ...
This is soooooo true, and I've been reminded of the need for patience so often on here. This is where my compassion comes from. I've said it once and I'll say it again. My H must be in serious pain to have felt pushed to a point where the only way he could imagine ending his pain was to walk away from his wife and family. Add to that the fact that he's now questioning who he is and what he wants (and remembering that we had a terrible year and lost someone very close to us) ... it's a definite MLC/WAH combo at it's worst. I'm not shouldering the blame ... but I am very aware of my contributions to the dynamic, and if I'm really honest, I'm also aware of his attempts over the years to make things better or to talk to me about how it was making him feel. I couldn't hear him. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to see me *effortlessly* make some of these changes - now that it has come to this.
Slow and steady, making real changes for ME and learning to loosen up and enjoy the ride
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
