I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. My thoughts have changed from not wanting a divorce to when will I get divorced. Emotionally, and physically I'm getting tired. My D will soon be in her teen years and I don't think I will be able to handle it.
I had an appointment with my councelor today. We talked about the visit W had with him. I didn't get any specifics except she still feels the same about our R. I told him my theory of how I think my W is blaming me for all the mistakes her XH made. My councelor doublted this theory. However, he thinks b/c she got married and divorced so young she didn't have a chance to live her life. Since we dated shortly after her D there wasn't enough time for her to experience the single life.
Since there's no hope in site, I told my C how I tried to break my attachment with her. What I was doing was picturing all the good times with my W and visualizing them going into a box, taping up the box and then throwing the box to the back of my mind. The other thing I told him I did was to take everything my wife had or done wrong and re-word it into something negative rather than look for the positive. The first thing I was doing he was okay with, the psychological term for it is called compartmentialization. The second thing I was doing he didn't like, he called it's demonizing.
After our session was over I told my wife everything. How he said I was demonizing her which was bad, but the compartmentializaton thing was good. Then I told her how Ive been pushing my boss for a raise. If the raise is enough I will be moving out. I told her I love her but we don't seem to want the same things.
After my talk the house seemed quietier, but peaceful. When my W left for work she hugged me much tighter than she usually does. Then she gave me a little peck on the lips before she left.
I hope this doesn't sound like a boring answer. However, I feel like a modern day Job from the Bible. I think I'm a good man who has lost everything. At times I feel as though I'm being tested. Unfortunately, I'm not doing as well as he did, I need to put more faithful to God.
You said you need a shot after reading my posts. I'm not a good writer and I try to keep my posts honest. Please don't hesitate to get my W's side of the story if it helps you understand the situation.
A bad trait of mine is I feel the need to vent my feelings. My C said for our next session he will teach me self visualization. I hope this substitution is enough to stop me from verbally attacking (venting my feelings) my wife.
By shot I meant drink. Like a stiff shot of Bourbon.
And...I care one whit for your wife, Fixer...you however, I care about.
As for Job...my bad ANYBODY but him. : ) I know Jacks a big dick....actually that true.
Somebody from more recent times books or film.
There is a reason.
I understand the need to vent, I guess the only problem I see is there is VERY little you post that is 'good' or uplifting that isn't somehow lessened by the bad.
And I don't see how anyone can choose to live like that...its like everyday is 1984 Orwellian. And no sorry now you cannot use Winston Smith : )
At some point in time if all the others are dead we HAVE to figure out how to steer the ship and plot our own course.
You aren't nihilistic I don't believe but at times I worry that everything...that you have allowed things to beat you down to such a point where being nihilistic makes sense.
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats."
Sometimes being angry IS a good course of action. And No I am not suggesting violence. But...nor am I suggesting the rut.
You have to find the motivation withing YOU to take charge.
You want change? Effect it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I asked a co-worker if they thought my personalitly resembled anyone from a book or movie. She couldn't come up with an answer. She said that I have a very interesting personality and view on life.
There's one character I can identify with from one of my favourite books. The character is Arthur Dent from Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. My life is one big cosmic irony similar to what Arthur goes through while hitch hiking his way through the universe. I can listen to very bad poetry and critique (validate)it to find a human connection when there may not even be one. I find myself trying to return to a simple life which is no longer there. I feel my path in life can quickly change by the improbability of a ramdon event which turns out not to be so random afterall.
Jack - I've written before, that I mostly journal when something bad happens. A lot of good has happened in my life too, but there always seems like there's some kind of a twist at the end. For example my SS23 and I went to bowl in the nationals in Reno this month. We had a great time and I thought this would be our thing. He and I are on the same bowling team and we have a lot of fun bowling together. We'll on the plane trip home he tells me how he can't wait to take his dad the next time he goes. At first, I felt hurt but laughed it off since this seems to always happen. Now I find the humor in meeting up with his dad if or when he decides to go to the nationals.
BTW: When I told my co-worker I thought my life was like Arthur Dent's she laughed and agreed.
The problem with Arthur Dent...(it has been a LONG TIME since I read the books btw) Is that he is simply along for the ride. He is there simply so that the reader can see Adam's story from a human point of view and has little input or effect on the world.
It is not even his story.
About bowling...
Ahh man, as a Step dad that is a gut shot...I am sorry, however the silver lining, so his father comes...you and he are still on the same team, when you win it is because of each other, not the fan support, and that won't be taken away.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It't not the first time he's said something like this before. I started going to a certain restaurant after my W dropped the bomb. My W didn't like the kind of food they served and I would take D there for dinner. Everyone knew me and when I didn't have D I would sit at the bar alone and my dinner and have a few drinks. Well... I decided to take my SS there for the best Mai Tai's in town. Now he takes his dad there who doesn't even live close to this place.
To me it's as though my SS's dad is jealous of the things we do. So his dad tries to copy the experiences me and my SS have.
