No one deserves to be treated the way WASs treat their LBSs. You can put whatever labels on it you want, but the bottom line is that we trusted them, we were committed to them, we were loving to them, and they treat us worse then they would treat enemies.
While the above statement is true…
We also had our part in the breakdown of the M. Even though we didn’t create the monster called MLC, we did all make mistakes as partners.
So it is ok to feel this way for a while, a very SHORT while, and then we MUST pick ourselves up, get out of the unfairness of it all, and put our lives back together.
Otherwise, we will end up a mess, just like our spouses. The truth is, we really really do NOT want to be inside of their heads. During any phase of this. They do horrible things because they get selfish. Then they begin, eventually, to see the damage, and it is almost too much for most of them to bear…
Rlay,
Ask the questions, but take this time to really learn about what you are dealing with.
Read the archives, read the resources…
You will begin to understand, your questions will be answered, and then, as you start to really see what the MLCer is going through, you may begin to find yourself having compassion, because believe me, what the MLCer goes through, is much worse than anything they do to their S or their family.
Then as you learn, as you begin to heal, learn to live. That is what this process is all about.
Learn to value who you are as a person, an individual. Learn what you like about you and what you don’t. Kill what you don’t.
Learn how to love yourself, learn patience, learn forgivness, and learn who you are really meant to be.
You won’t be sorry if you do these things.
Whether your M is restored or not, you won’t be sorry.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I thought about H and our situation, but I also had goals and plans of GAL with my children going through my head all day:-) MOST of the time I am optimistic that the kids and I will be just fine without H.
Today I went to my second counseling session; read a book ("How To Survive Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis"); joked and laughed with friends at work; worked out at the gym for an hour.
I am so happy to report I FINALLY found a place to rent and have paid the deposit! Now, when school is out for the summer, I have a place for the kids to come and LIVE with ME! We are all so excited because we will all be living together again (minus MLC H)! The only problem I am having with this is the fact that I will finally have to go back "home" and pack and figure out who gets what (furniture, sentimental items, pics...). I am so nervous about doing this because I worry my H will pick fights and give me a hard time when he sees me taking things out of the house. ::sigh:: I plan on trying to be fair, but I doubt he will be. How do I get through this part?
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
I made a list of everything. I photographed every room to show the items there. I divided the house belongings in half, picking things I thought I'd need for me and the kids, while still trying to be fair.
**** ALL of the kids items go WITH THE KIDS, they are NOT part of the split assets.****
I gave the list to H and let him go through it. I EMAILED it so it was documented, as well as his responses.
So long as I still had roughly half, I didn't care what he wanted or didn't want to change.
He took the kitchen table, for example, and then sold it to the movers for $10. I think just to spite me. I don't care. It's over. Not worth fighting over.
Pick half, make sure the kids keep their stuff, and walk away from the rest.
Today started out rough. Thoughts of how unfair this all is, how could he do this to me and the kids, how in the world am I going to make it on my own with three boys... kept going through my head. By mid-afternoon, however, I was focusing on work and joking and laughing with my friends around me.
Tonight, I am headed to a support group.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
I'm still having a rough time dealing with OWs issue. It looks like the young 19 YO is pulling away from H (won't leave her fiance, his nephew), and he is tired of being "lonely". Now, he is pursuing a 40 YO ex-girlfriend- they had lunch together a couple of days ago. It seems like H wants a relationship so bad; why not rekindle the relationship with his WIFE (me)?! Is the fact that he never considers pursuing me again a sign that there is no hope he'll ever reconcile with me? Are there any moves or anything I could be saying right now to "woo" him back to me while he is "lonely"?
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
RLay, if you are looking for a magic bullet, you are in the wrong place. Understand this, the more you pursue, the farther you push him away. You MUST detach, have as little contact with him as possible. Please read the posts on here and listen to veteran posters. If you try to "woo" him back, you will fail. Stay away from him, work on yourself.
Is the fact that he never considers pursuing me again a sign that there is no hope he'll ever reconcile with me?
RLay this may be hard to understand. The pain he is in is greater than you will ever know or understand. This you must understand. You hurt but everything in his world sucks. He is trying to make the pain go away.
He is running from you and BLAMES you for all of his pain. While he is in this place it is pointless and I would venture masochistic to subject yourself to it.
You are still attached.
Originally Posted By: rlay
Are there any moves or anything I could be saying right now to "woo" him back to me while he is "lonely"?
Yes. Focus on YOU. Make changes in YOU for YOU. Detach from him and let him live his life. Let his turmoil twirl without YOU in it.
I am sorry to tell you this truth. You will not "woo" him back. This takes a LONG time and you have no control over it. Stop focusing on him and his OW. Stop snooping.
You have to come to grips with what has happened here. Your M is dead. If your H came back now your M would not be different. There is a process that he must go through and that process takes time.
I suggest you reread some of the stuff OP gave you links for.
There is a process the LBS goes through and you have to undertand that too. You can get stuck.
When you get stuck we will help you get unstuck if we can BUT you must listen.
Rlay I know you think your sitch is special in some hopefully special way. We all come here hoping that.
It is not. You however, ARE special. Focus on YOU. Spend this time you have while standing for your M for YOU. For your children make a better YOU.
If I may venture take a look at my experience on standing I posted on my thread recently and also on shelbel's thread.
All these pieces you must understand and you will in time but it takes courage.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Make no mistake, this is the HARDEST thing you will ever experience.
Detatching, GAL, understanding MLC, all of it.
But True is so right.
There is nothing you can do to make this go faster or to woo your H back.
I will be really honest with you…
You think you want to but you don’t. My H, came home too soon during his first crisis period. Seven years later, we ended up right back where we had started with that one, only way way worse. It has been almost 3 years since the first bomb of this time. I am very different now. So this has been a good thing for me.
Listen to the people posting to you Rlay. We have all been there. While not a single one of us can guarantee a restored M.
We can help you understand and move forward in your healing.
If your H ever wakes up and wants to come home, you will HAVE to be healed first. It will be the only way that either of you will survive what is to come…
My H, is moving in his tunnel again. Having moments of clarity, moments of regret, moments of talking about his issues. And for what ever reason, he is choosing to share with me. It is honestly the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Much worse than the bomb, much worse than my pain. Just watching and listening, seeing his hurt, is very hard. If I was not where I am, I would not be able to do this.
For those that are going to get excited, don’t. They are moments. He has had them before and for me, they mean very little. Except that he is going forward trying to heal and backwards to not have to feel the pain that he has.
Anyway…Rlay…
You can do this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
First off I am sorry that you find yourself on these boards. I truly am! You need to realize that you are here for a reason. A reason that right now you cannot see. Before I go on allow me to introduce myself...
My name is Eric, I am a 40 yr old father of 3 wonderful children (S16, S14 and D9). I am currently legally separated from a 39 yr old women who I have been with for 19 years (M17 - our aniversary is coming up 6/5). In Oct of last year the bomb was dropped. I am still in the house and slated to be D sometime in Aug. I am a loving father and a MAN who has come to know WHO I AM. The WHO I AM is the key. I was born and raise in NY so I can be a little blunt. So I appolgive if my post offends you. All wise DBER's feel free to correct anything I post below.
Okay enought about me..
Rlay - I would like to tell you what I see in your situation but before I do I would like to show you your thread…..
You wrote on…
Quote:
5/9 - “The PA has been the main focus of my thoughts”
on 5/11 “I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact he is having a PA”, “He sweet talks her like he use to me”, I keep wondering if he means it when he says he LOVES her and she is the love of his life”
on 5/15 – “He is continuing to sweet-talk the 19 YO and tell her he loves her”, “he is actively pursuing other women, as well”
on 5/16 – “While we sit and cry and live with so much pain, he pursues other women, rants at me, and blames me for everything”
on 5/17 - “He says that he hates my guts and doesn't see us ever getting back together. He likes the peace of not having a nagging, controlling, (blah blah blah) wife. He says all we did was argue and fight and that we're just not compatible”
again on 5/17 - “He is continually pursuing other women, sweet-talking many, "in love" with the 19 YO.”
On 5/19 – “He keeps suggesting to me to start dating (he mentions it EVERY time he talks to me),”
On 5/22 - “The main thing that hurts me is the other women thing. He is complaining that he is so lonely (the young OW is not single and just stringing my H along), and actively sweet-talking about three or four different women (lying to all o them that they're the "only one" he's talking to). He is dating, and thinks nothing about me or our kids or our marriage:-“
Rlay - What I see above is that your H is really in MLC. Do you really understand what this means? Have you accepted and I mean really accepted the fact that nothing YOU do can “snap his as* out of it”?
So the advice that everyone has given you here is….let me use some other posts….
Quote:
Mermaid wrote on 5/7 “You need to take the focus off your h and put it on yourself.” “Take this time to grow and work on yourself.”
Mermaid wrote on 5/15 “Take the focus off of your h”
Lalxx wrote on 5/15 “Focus on you and your children”
Kara wrote on 5/15 “but we can certainly control how much we hurt ourselves.”
Marked Healed wrote on 5/16 “If it's MLC, your path is to work on yourself, make yourself happy,” and ” Take time for you”
Snodderly wrote on 5/16 “Detach a bit more”
True wrote on 5/16 “just detach more”
True wrote on 5/17 “You HAVE to detach more”
Market Healed wrote on 5/18 “Detach – SET YOUR GOALS”
True wrote on 5/18 - “This is why you have to take care of YOU”
Lostforward wrote on 5/20 “Time to start working on yourself.” This time is for you to use. You need to focus on you and the kids
Second chance wrote on 5/20 “The detachment and growth thing is really hard to do”
RLay – Everyone is telling you to DETACH, FOCUS on YOU and Work on YOU! Do you know why? Okay before I give you my opinion let me show what happens when you DO NOT DETACH….(some more of your posts)
Quote:
On 5/16 you wrote “I wish there was something I could do”
On 5/15 you wrote “I am feeling so hopeless right now”
On 5/16 you wrote “I am just so depressed and lost.”, “Today is just a bad day. I keep breaking down and crying”, “I guess it's just driving me crazy wondering if what my husband is doing” “I feel so alone”
On 5/17 you wrote “I am still having a hard time letting go and detaching” and “from my last few posts it SEEMS like I am doing nothing but focusing on MLC H”
On 5/19 you wrote “This morning I am wondering what he's doing, thinking about the OW situation”, “Right now most of my thoughts are of him, what he's doing, why is he doing this to me, what can I do to get him back” and “I feel like I have no control over anything”
Rlay – I am sorry to say that you appear to be stuck. Sorry for being so blunt. Cat and other have pointed out that there is nothing that you can do to wake up your husband. Here is what I can tell you.
Open yourself up and explore yourself. Find out who Rlay is. Who were you before you met your H? I suspect that you were a wonderful women. As a matter of fact you still are. Why do I say? Cause anyone willing to go thru this MUST really love there spouse. So in my book that makes you wonderful.
Okay now let me get to a few other points…
IMO 1) You are afraid – afraid of the changes that may (but MUST) take place in your life. 2) You have not detached yet. Probably because of the fear. 3) You have not don’t the work on yourself yet. IMO because you spend every moment thinking about the OM and your H.
We all come here with the intent of saving our M. Hell most of us still want our M’s. But (sorry everyone for the use of BUT)…when you really detach and really do the work on yourself you will come to realize WHO YOU ARE. Then the fear goes away (okay not totally but almost). You begin to realize that once you do the work on yourself, you’ll feel better – not about the M per se but about YOU.
Guess what honey, this is really about YOU. Once YOU know and feel really comfortable with YOU – we’ll then….you will then be in a position to decide what YOU want to do. Stand or not to stand. All of this takes WORK. When you finally reach a point of healing of truly letting go and accepting that your H is gone (at least for now) and that your old M really must die in order for a new one to be formed, we’ll then you feel better.
None of this cr*p is easy – none of it. YOU WILL MAKE IT – if you do not RUN. Face this…stand up for yourself. Realize your mistakes in the M. I see that you are so focused on your H and OM that you are not really focused on you at all. Yes you feel pain. Many of us here have and continue to feel the pain. I wish I could tell you…do X, Y and Z and your M will survive. I can’t. What I can tell you is that if you focus on you and let H fix his own issues, well then I will guarantee that YOU will be in the drivers seat.
I have a few more things that I would like to post…so I’ll be back to you in a bit. Before I go…I leave you with this….
My friend True (hopefully he does not mind that I refer to his as a friend) and I are both in a similar place…that is (sorry True this really stuck with me)….we are sweet onions.
To enjoy an onion you have to peel it. When you peel it guess what happens…you CRY. Then once peeled and cooked you get to enjoy the sweet onions. Rlay…you need to get’s to peeling. Yes you will cry, yes it will hurt but YOU WILL MAKE IT and YOU will be grateful at some point when you realize how all of this will be a benefit to YOU.
Also, get you butt back in that house!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
My friend True (hopefully he does not mind that I refer to his as a friend) and I are both in a similar place…that is (sorry True this really stuck with me)….we are sweet onions.
Absolutely my friend! I am the sweeter Florida variety
Rlay-as you can see this is a very wonderful place to be even though your reasons for being here are not wonderful. Where you are headed is a much better place. In time you will look on this as a blessing as hard as that may seem today, you will.
What you do here is a gift you give YOURSELF and so you can be the best for your children, and then be a LIGHT for your H.
Have Faith.
Faith is the song the songbird sings in the dark of night, for the promise of the dawn.
I think I read that in a fortune cookie...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
