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FM just checking on you. I hope you are busy doing something fun and that is why you haven't posted!!!

No, we don't have a legal separation agreement in place. My L recommended that I not push that forward since H is currently paying the mortgage and giving me money. I'll likely be worse off after the agreement is in place.

That's very possible.

He told me the day after that my email about that provoked a "huge wave of anxiety" in him. I think he might have been somewhat freaking out. But he has been very persistent about following up on it, so he definitely has a specific idea of how things should be going.

That's a good point Alice. We do not have a legal separation agreement in place, but our legal separation date was Jan 3. It would be good to know how debts are divvyed up after that date. That's not something that I asked my L. Not that it really matters since I know that both H and I are trying to minimize debts and expenses right now.

No he hasn't, but his email seems to indicate that his intentions are very clear. Plus he may be waiting for the diagnosis process with S6 to be over since I had told him that I wanted to concentrate on that before proceeding with mediation. That bought me some time, thank goodness, but the clock may be ticking from his end.

Thanks for the reminder to look at this avermont. I'd like to do more Work.

I think you're right rr.

Yep, you called it CityGirl .

Thanks for your vote of confidence CityGirl . Not quite there yet the optimism, but working on opening my mind.

Yes, the "good guy" thing is very much at work here. Luckily for me and my children . It sucks that he is not willing to be part of repairing our family, but at least we are being treated well and I have to count my blessings at this point, especially given some of the horrors that my fellow DBers are going through.

I hope so. I feel like I'm in a good place, yet I'm scared of "falling apart" when the next bomb hits.

Thanks CG, that means a lot. You said some things that were VERY hard to hear, but I ALWAYS listened and took it very seriously. I think your tough love was part of what helped me to "defog" as much as I have managed to at this point. And I'll always be grateful to you for that. Seriously.

My subconscious is obviously working things through right now. Lots of dreams about H. And last night, me confronting "V" and asking her to take pity on me and tell me if she is sleeping with H. Not sure if this is about letting go or backsliding on detachment.

Unhelpful beliefs for me to address right now:

* I need H to "break up" with me "properly" in order to have closure and get on with my life

* it's a public humiliation for people to know that H is in a R with someone else while we are still legally married

* it would help me to know what is going on in H's life right now

I think I will do that once I feel totally prepared for the legalities. I want to read the coparenting book, do the paperwork for the L, do a little more research on how I can save $$ on legal fees, etc. My guess is that any talk we could have right now, though, would push him even closer to wanting D. If I was serious about waiting this out, my guess is that I'd be looking at 2 years to even have a chance at reconciliation. I don't know if that's the right choice for me, especially because H checked out of our M a long time ago so I've already been dealing with the rejection and hurt for a loooong time.

So, just got back into town last night after 4 days on a botanical excursion with fellow plant lovers. It was in a beautiful spot and I brought the children and a childcare provider.

It was exhausting and energizing. The natural beauty was stunning and it's fun to be with people who can nerd out about plants and ecosystems.

It was also a confidence boost to "pull it off", even though it sucked to be the one doing all the work. I had the childcare provider, but in some ways she was another person to take care of since I was providing food, lodgings, transportation, etc. for her, and doing all of the packing, unpacking, driving, etc.

It was really great to reconnect with old friends and colleagues. And very interesting that an old friend who I had lost touch with has now been separated for 2 years and is starting fresh with a new guy who is moving in with her and her 5 and 9 yo children. Very interesting. Her sitch is somewhat similar. Her H checked out a long time before the separation, no apparent infidelity, but she was the one who pushed for separation because she was done with his distance and refusal to spend time with her. She was a good person to talk to and now I can say that I have a friend who is in a similar sitch to me (but she doesn't live in the same city).

So that's why I've been MIA.

Thanks to everyone who has been replying and reading along. I'm not posting as much, but this forum still means a lot to me.

Now that is a great post! I am glad you had a great weekend and reconnected with an old friend.

Tough love stinks, no? LOL! Giving it stinks and getting it stink even more! My tough love 'queen' was a lady named Annie. I will NEVER forget her. Her H was a mirror image of mine and she had put up with it for FOUR years. I used to sit at my computer and sob at what she was telling me but deep down I knew she was right or at least on to something. And sometimes in terrible situations it is not a good feeling to be right. Not at all.

I understand all of *this* doesn't just go away. Hell, a few days ago out of the clear blue my H texted me and asked me to have dinner. I mean... really? Here he is now LIVING with his mistress and texting his W for dinner. It's too stupid to even talk about. And yet two years later Annie is still right on the money!

I know, it's all horrible but sometimes the best things come from the most hideous situations.

(((hugs!)))

Good for you! It does sound tiring but rewarding. And maybe some good networking for more future business?



I'm glad that you connected with someone in the same sitch in person. It's nice to hear a positive outcome- for us too, thanks for sharing- that someone else had. I guess we will never know what's waiting around the corner for us til we're there.



FM- I think you are thinking things through very carefully and wisely. I had a flash back to a couple months ago when many of your posts were about feeling stuck and procrastinating about a lot of things. The change in how you're moving forward is pretty big- I wonder if you recognize that? You've got a plan, and steps, and are thinking ahead and moving forward with what you need to do. Even though it's sad to be in this place, and it's a place you don't want to be, rather than being mired down in the muck, you're moving through it and taking care of things. Bravo. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate how you're growing and taking charge of your life in the face of some sad and scary circumstances.



Funny. I've been having dreams about meeting/being with new men almost every night- some celebrities , some regular guys. Wonder what THAT means?? LOL. I think your brain has a lot to sort out when it's at "rest". I don't know that you need to label it as anything. I don't think it's backsliding, though. I think it's stuff that's necessary for your brain to grapple with and also a time when it tackles things that may not be safe or good for you to bring out when you're awake -- a safe way of playing out the scenarios and asking the questions while preserving your dignity and strength in waking life, because you know that asking these questions/conversations in real life isn't safe for you to do and won't help.



Good for you for recognizing these! I swear, I do not know how you and others deal with an OW/OM. I would be going frickin INSANE with (insert crazy-ugly-frantic noun here) if I were in your sitch. Hopefully I'm right that there's no OW in my case... Anyway:

1. You may never get this (and you already know it)- AND, you are *already* moving on with your life. Waiting around for something that isn't likely coming will only hold you back. You (and a lot of us) will never get this closure- whatever form we hope for it in. That's disappointing, but I think there are a lot of similar things we'll all need to move on from and will never have answers to- and somehow we're all growing from having to do this, it just may not be obvious to us how, yet.

2. I understand this feeling- but, the only person who looks bad here is your H and OW. You have retained your dignity and integrity and you will always have that- they won't. If anyone else sees what is going on, what they will see is a dishonest H who doesn't have the courage to do the right thing and see out a D before moving on to someone else. And a W who holds her head high and doesn't stoop to his level, someone to admire in her dignity. You will always have this and it will be your strong foundation to build on.

3. I understand this one too, and you already know the answer. If you went a step further and listed how knowing this would be unhelpful/hurtful to your progress, it would be even clearer. But the curiousity would eat at me, too. Can you imagine a time when you really will not care one way or the other what he does R-wise? I try to remind myself how this feels by looking back at my other L/T Rs that I thought I wouldn't ever get over and knowing that it no longer bothers me who they're with, etc. because I am detached and have moved on. That moment and detachment is ahead, and you're moving closer to it each day.

Stay strong and take care of yourself--

(((((FM))))

FM,

You've inspired too many of us with your strength. If you need reminding, or propping up, come here. We'll help you.

(((fm)))

<shaking head> it boggles the mind. Sorry you're dealing with that weirdness after everything you've been through.

Thanks for your reply Alice.Yes, though things in my field are really terrible. It's pretty discouraging because I can't easily take advantage of the earning opportunities that do exist because a lot of it is based on travelling out of town for about 10 days at a time.I guess so...but I wonder if the positive outcome extends to her children. They are living in two homes, and cared for by two parents who are both "in love" in new relationships. It's hard to start a new life and keep your focus on the children. Her new BF is essentially in a parenting role with them. He is a great guy so maybe it's a net positive in their life, but still...it's a lot for them to process. And that's assuming they don't end up living through a breakup between my friend and her BF.

Can you tell that I'm still having trouble looking on the bright side as far as the children are concerned? Unfortunately I'm still feeling pretty stuck on the procrastination stuff. I've had tiny movement in that area, but what I need is to develop the skills to deal with that, and a sense of confidence in myself that I can and will take action to address the important things in my life.

The financial stuff is really bothering me. Because H's spousal and child support will be dependent on his earning, it's really not something I can count on. For all I know he'll be on dialysis in a couple of years, or refuse to work more than the bare minimum so that he has time to start a new life, or whatever. There is no obligation on his part to maintain any level of income, and his plan is likely to force me into taking a much greater role in that. Which is fair enough, but scary for me.

I'm having thoughts about shifting how I earn money. For example, if I could find clients who were willing to be flexible, perhaps I could do cleaning lady stuff. Procrastination would be less of an issue there. The money is not as well paying as my professional work, but possibly easier to schedule around H's childcare availability. The professional work is discouraging right now because my skills are soooo rusty, the procrastination is huge, and I just don't have the confidence any more .You're great at GAL...doing it even in your dreams .Is sticking my head in the sand dealing with it? Right now "what I don't know can't hurt me" is working for me. My life is an exercise in figuring out what's my business and what isn't my business and constantly redirecting myself to what's my business.I can't really imagine not caring what H does R-wise because it's very likely that OW will be in a parental role with my children, possibly with step-siblings in tow. Kind of boggles the mind.

OK, I don't think I really had a good grasp of your field. Are there any opportunities for teaching things like community college or community adult ed classes in your field?



Yes, and I share your fears about that. I myself had a very disturbing dream last night about my H reconnecting with his ex and them trying to keep me from my D, making decisions about her care, etc. without me. It was awful.



Fair enough- there's still stuff to work on. I do see a shift in you, though, which may be harder for you to see/feel b/c you're with yourself every day. Maybe it's more of a shift in attitude and more PMA now that I'm seeing, and you haven't felt a concrete "action-oriented" change yet. Whatever it is, it's movement in a positive direction. After all, you had that project for the one client you did, and the outing you did this past weekend, and you've consulted with an L- that's more than you had done a few months ago, as far as I know . And I think it's good to think of other $ alternatives- it's wise to plan. I know a few stay at home moms here who take care of other friends' kids during the day to earn some extra money- a lot of work, but something all of us moms are already "qualified" for. I'm so sorry you're in this situation with the money/earning. It seems unfair that H won't be expected to provide in some way for his family. One would hope that he'd have a sense of responsibility to do that, but it's probably wise not to count on anything....



Ok, so maybe I got ahead of myself. And I think "ignoring" and "re-directing your focus" are definitely legitimate ways of coping with this right now. I am trying not to think of a future OW with my kid- I can't face that right now. So, perhaps it's something we'll deal with when it gets closer. However you look at it, it's rotten. No one but us and our H's were supposed to be raising our kids, right? Sigh.

Be kind to yourself today and trust that even if you don't feel a huge amount of progress, it *is* there, and there's a lot of us out here who see it and see you moving in a positive direction.

((((FM))))