i don't know if i'm experiencing a MLC myself. but i don't want to sit here and think about how i wasted the last 4 yrs with a steaming pile of crap (SPC) that i called my h.
I went through a phase of anger like that.. still do every now and again.. The pile of wood in my garage was reduced to splinters by me and a hammer...
J3B once told me that that anger will last as long as you allow it to.. he was right.. it will come and go.. as all feelings do.. you choose what actions you let your feelings incite...
JMO
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
They love to "escape" through their hobbies. Helps them relax. They need LOTS of "down time" to decompress. Sex helps them decompress. They often drink to excess because they are so sensitive. They want to help everyone. They think about their conversations later--wondering if they have upset anyone.
If they are comfortable with you, they can take advantage of you. Have you do their work. You are a beaver--you just do it and don't complain. He has learned to take a bit of advantage of you.
But he doesn't want you upset with him--EVER. If you hold it in and really "blow up" it is crushing. You need boundaries that come in force LONG before you blow up at him. He will test your boundaries, but rarely really push you.
They are VERY intuitive people which in your H, omgoodness--he so knows you.lol.
He is not going to have a one night stand. Not happening.
He will know the INSTANT you are not mad at him. And you can get to him when that happens. He is hoping you make the first move.
He has seen how methodical you are and thinks you will not EVER change. Stubborn is not the last thing your friends would call you.lol. He has seen that when you make up your mind about something, you rarely change it. He thinks he is a "done deal" in your mind.
It takes things LIKE THIS to change a beaver from their course. You are in shock--this wasn't the plan AT ALL. And changing plans is not going to be easy for you.
His sensitivity will make him a challenge--hopefully your anger will calm down. It's crucial to any progress.
You could help him out with so many things that bother him and hold him back--your strength is something he greatly admires.
Ok... so how does one let a WAH like him be the man, and try to get closer to you without pushing him away, when he blames you for everything and has an OW???
(sorry for the hijack but this does sound exactly like my WAH... feel free to post a response on my thread instead of this one..I wish they'd allow PM)
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
I will get over to your thread if you like, but D4ML may want to hear some of this.
Blame--all do it regardless of personality.
OW--you need her to be the angry one--not you. They detest conflict.
"Let him be the man". Treat him very respectfully. He loves to help--get him to help you and reward him in his LL LOTS. Especially helpful with "conflicts" of some sort--they are expert at smoothing over bad feelings by seeing both sides. Ask him to help you with a difficult co-worker or family member. Do just what he tells you to do--phlegmatics are good at this, and when people resist, they move on to help someone else who is more receptive.
If you have been doninating him, you need to STOP NOW. Do not interrupt him. Get him to make suggestions on ANYTHING and DO it.
They are SOOO sensitive. Usually their LL is words--they love to be built up. It threw me a bit that D4ML's is gifts. If yours is words, you CAN NOT say too much to build him up--you will think you've overdone it--it can't be done.lol.
it helped because it allowed me to put the focus on me.
where it needs to be.
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i think you understood that pounding the same thing in to my head wasn't going to get through. the only way was to change the subject and make me talk about me. smart tactic and it worked.
I DB'd you. it works you should try it.
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why doesn't he understand the emotional connection that i need when we are intimate? he can't expect me to understand his bond with his parents and not understand that i need to feel that bond between me and him in order to be intimate?
he's not you. how can you hold him to a standard that you can't meet? that's why loving someone the way they feel love is so important, if it's important to you then it is important to me.
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in reality, i was once laid off from a job i was really good at. i never got over it. to this day, i am still very angry. i moved on to other jobs. but i was never fully invested in any of them. this is how i feel about the possibility of a future relationship. i would never be fully invested in it and therefore, i wouldn't even try. i do see the pattern. and that's what people don't understand about me.
I think we all understand it because you communicated it to us very clearly.
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i want to be lost in good conversation. i want to laugh until my cheeks hurt. i want to look at someone and nothing else matters. i want to be with someone who makes me want to be a better person. i want to be with someone who says i'm worth it.
I see WOA and QT.
So what is your plan for your b-day?
Ask your IC about how to set boundaries.
What do you get when you cross a insomniac, a dyslexic and a agnostic?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Also, they are one of the easiest types to "get back". They are nicknamed "the Golden Retriever" because like the happy, sweet dog, they will put up with a lot of "abuse" and will be very forgiving once they are treated well again. You can't be mad or threatening or they will cower and slink away with their tails between their legs, giving you the sad look.lol.
Your personality can handle much more conflict than this one--you don't realize that it's "abuse". You must become more sensitive to what he goes through--support his hobbies (well, to a point) and help him "relax". He is the one that will be better than you with your sick child. He has a LOT of patience. He is very forgiving.
but the spending is getting out of hand. i don't know how to control it.
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i need a plan. a real plan. where do i want to be in a year? what do i want to do?
that puts you back in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
