Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Husband Just Left Me

I am so sorry you find yourself on a board like this, but you will find the posters here very helpful.

I think you should fulfill your obligations independently. If you said you would be at a wedding, be there. Especially, if it is someone close to you or your own family member. Why would you step back from organizing a reunion? You did nothing wrong. He left you, not the other way around. As for the BBQ, perhaps it's too soon to have a party, but I would do it, and make sure to have a good time. Also, if you are ever going to be in his presence, make sure to be pleasant but distant, and dressed your best. Don't look sad and desperate, but happy and looking forward to the new future. GAL by going to those weddings, having fun, party with your friends, take up any new hobbies or sports, go to the gym, meet new people. Be vivacious. In other words, be the greener grass.

As for financial stuff --- the wise thing to do is protect yourself as quickly as possible. Get your own bank account, and withdraw half the money from the joint account (or whatever your portion is) and place it into the new account. I would go to a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are. For instance, would you be responsible for any new debt that your WAH may incur after leaving you? And, when should you remove him from your healthcare? Usually, some lawyers would give a 1 hour session free. You may only need mediation. I am not sure what is available in your area, but you should find out ASAP, before you find yourself blind-sided.

Become independent as soon as possible, to show your H that you don't need him, you just want him, but for now, you should go dark, and do what is necessary to get to that end.

Is there another woman? I suspect there is one. Be prepared for this eventuality. I am sure you have already wondered this. And if you asked him, I bet he said no. They always say that. Apparently, it's so not to hurt your feelings, but walking away from a M for no apparent reason, and not working on saving it, doesn't hurt one's feelings???? It just boggles my mind.

Good luck with the coaching session.

Oh, I just saw that he had an EA, and prostitutes. Mmmm, if he wants to come back, I would advise that you don't take him back unless he goes to marital counselling. I would also advise you get tested for sexually transmitted diseases if you have been intimate since Jan. 2010. Just to be safe.

I don't want to frighten you, but it is best to take precautions.

Ok - I'm back with an update.

H called and asked if he could come over and talk - I sounded good on phone (not overly happy and not crying). He came over and immediately wanted to talk about selling the house, who would get the dog, etc. I was caught very off guard as he just left yesterday - I understand these things need to be discussed but I have no barring right now.

I told him that I would need to speak with my lawyer about those things. He seemed surprised and asked why we needed a lawyer and thought we could do everything amicable (which we can I just would like to seek legal counsel). He said that he hoped I trusted him enough that it wouldn't come to that.

He said he wanted to sell the house because he couldnt get an apartment unless we did that and I said unfortunately, he was the one that choose to leave the relationship and I would need more time to discuss.

Then I had to say a few things that in hindsight I'm not sure were "right" or "wrong" but I needed to say my piece. I will not bring them up again but the short of it was that my life will go on with or without him. I said that I felt that he was harboring resentments of me over the past ten years and bottlign everything up inside and those disagreements and disappointments have added up over the years and never been dealt with. He agreed but said we tried counseling and I said that we never really got to the core issues. I said that I'm open to working on our marriage and always will be and that my door is open and I said that I hoped he found what he was looking for. He was crying and saying that he thought he was doing the right thing for now and was "pretty sure" this is what he wanted. I said that I felt scared for him because we didn't deal with all our issues that those would get carried into his next relationship and that although he thought he would be happier without me that happiness come from inside yourself. He said he was going to take a shower and I said that I did not feel comfortable with that since he no longer lived there - too dramatic? I obviously wanted him to stay longer but I felt like I had to put my foot down.

I understand he wants things to go amicably but I dont want this. I don't feel like should just have to sell the house because he wants me to so he can get an apartment. Part of me also feel bad (because I still love him). He seemed hurt by that as though I was letting him down and he thought it would be easier.

He asked me if I could leave him on my insurance until his open enrollment and I said I would have to think about it. What should I do? I don't want him to walk all over me but at the same time I'm just not sure how to handle it.

Same thing with the lawyer service...I pay $20 per month and we have free lawyer service and he asked if we could get a mediator through that and I said would be taking him off the lawyer service as I did not feel comfortable.

I said that it was all a little much for the day and I understood his issues but would appreciate several more days to discuss and think about things.

How did I do? He was visibly upset and crying and said "do I think sometimes I might lie in bed and wonder if I made a mistake? Yes, I probably will but right now I think this is the right thing to do".

I guess I'm having a lot of trouble not please him. For instance, he wants to put the house on the market and I know it disappointed him that I didn't just do what he wanted. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do.

I did cry some, I know that is against the "rules" but I couldnt help it. I have been with him for 10 years and it was painful. He also said it was the most painful thing for him also.

Please any advice, anything at all.

My thought is that it ain't over until it's over. I need more advice specifically about how I'm suppose to handle his demands and splitting of things.

HELP ME!

Anne,
FWIW I thought you did extremely well with handling the most recent situation. I remember that exact situation and the timings for me were similar. Listen very carefully to what you H says to you. For example when he asked you if you thought you might regret this someday he was probably projecting onto you what he was really feeling. Equally don't get your hopes up. That sounds cruel but believe me it is far worse to get your hopes up and they are crushed again than to just go with the flow for now.

Eat well, sleep as well as you can and see that L ASAP.

Thank you, everyone for all your support and help - keep it coming!

I know I over analyze everything but I just need advice.

It kind of felt like when my H came over today he almost was acting as if we were friends. I am very hurt right now and it seems like he just wants to get on with everything ("so, I want to put the house on the market right away"). But then he wanted to take a shower in our house. I'm just really confused as to all this.

He came over and asked if he could help fold the laundry - should I have said yes or act like I don't need help?

I'm trying to leave room open for reconciliation so if he reaches out in that way I dont know how to take it.

I just feel so deeply to the pit of my soul that this is saveable. He has already said that he is not sure if he can get over past resentments - he has bottled up all these fights and can't get over them. How do I move past that?

Do I make any contact with him at all? I'm assuming no.

Also, I know there is not another woman. After his affair I starting monitoring his computer and cell phone usage - I did this as a protection for myself. I do think that he idolized the affair and in his mind compared our relationship to the "perfection" of an affair. He never actually said this but I believe this is what he did.

As ACJ said, you did very well dealing with your H and his "demands". I remember her sitch at that time, and how nervous she was, but she has come out on top. You have a right to take this slow. He left you, and you are entitled to know your legal rights, etc.

I can't understand his feelings about previous fights and his bottling it up, and yet he can have an EA (betraying you), associate with prostitutes (more betrayal). Does he think this will overcome his resentments? Not likely. I think these so-called 'resentments' are just excuses for bad behaviour. He's playing the blame game, and you should not allow him to do so. Surely, you had issues you may have built up with the same arguments, or are you the type that let things go, or there is no resentment to be had for you or, more importantly, him. (Hope this makes sense. My H also played this little game, or he didn't want confrontation, but everything I did or do is, in his mind, a confrontation, so they set you up for failure.) Both parties in a marriage has some blame for it going wrong, and both have the same responsibility for trying to get it right. Walking away, in my point of view, is a cowards way of dumping the blame and responsibility on the LBS. Yet, they still want to shower in the house they left, want to rush things, expect to stay on healthcare of their LBS, etc.

I say, make it difficult. Why should you surrender your rights to someone who would treat you this way? If he wants a D, he can do the work. If he wants to sell the house then he's going to have to go through the process of separation, then D, and so on.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on WAS's.

So I just had my first DB coaching session with Laurie.

I feel much better and feel I more clarity!

She basically said she does not think I should take him off my insurance because that would just be me helping him move forward with things. She said I should take him off the lawyer service I have and say that "I believe this marriage can be savied so I can't help with the lawyer service but I care about you and will keep you on my insurance".

She said I should meet with a lawyer but not to bring it up or tell him about it because he could perceive this as wanting to move forward but if he brings it up and asks say that "I did not retain a lawyer I just went because I had a few questions"

For the next two weeks I set the goals that if he does the following stuff then we will know we are moving the wrong direction:
-Gets a mediator
-Files legally for seperation
-Moves all of his stuff out

She said I should give him specific compliments.

I feel better and know that no matter what happens at least I'm keeping my dignity in this thing!

Any comments on the DB coach?

Sounds good! You have a plan to follow now. Stay with it until it's or part of it is not working. At least, you are trying to save your M, and as Dr. Phil says, one should do so until you can walk away with no hard feelings and with peace (or words to those affect).

Did she address any of the social questions you had, such as attending weddings and the bbq?

Hi Being Me,

I actually didn't bring those up. I am going to do with what people had said and go if I want to go I think.

I'm not going to do the BBQ - I cancelled it last night. I just can't handle it right now.

But as far as the weddings - I will have another phone session before June 12. I will ask her then what she suggests. My current plan is to attend, buy a gift on my own. I haven't said anthing to H abou it yet.

I really enjoyed the phone session. It was kind of odd because some of the things I thought were good to do she didn't agere with. For instance, I thought I should take him off my insurance because I kind of feel ilke it's his bed and he should lie in it but she said that will probably push him away which was not a perspective I had heard before. I'm just concerned about getting walked all over but I'm going to try it for now.