Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLCer or addicted infidel?

Its the time when you feel the rug kicked out from under you....for most its the ea/pa conformation usually in tandem w/ ilybnilwy but every mlcer is different. your h certainly hits all the markers

Thanks a new 2moro.
I am interested in reading how you handled your year of his letting go.

I have reading, reading, reading. Lots of good info. How did it get by me for so long?

I guess I had to get the non-pursual under control. The only way for me to do that was to go dark.

Not so dark last weekend.
DD16 asked H to drive her to prom in his racecar. Cool. That meant I had to follow and leave a car for them to get home in. They planned a dinner beforehand, so H and I went to a nearby bar for drinks and snacks to wait.

Convo was kinda awkward. He chatted on about the economy, how it has ruined our business, how we have 1/4 the income, and on and on. I nodded along. Ate my chicken nuggets. Drank my wine. Listened to his whine. During a lull, I mentioned how sad he looked, like a lost soul. I also noticed he wasn't wearing his ring and later sent a text saying I noticed. He also asked me why I don't believe that he misses me. I said I don't understand it and don't know why he would.

Yesterday, he sent me an email saying it was hard for him to take off but did after I had asked him why he was still wearing it awhile back. (?) He also said he thought a lot about my lost soul comment, and said I had summed him up accurately. I replied how saddened I was for him, and that I had faith he could get through this.

2 hours later, I get an em blasting me for "telling someone" about Sat nite and this someone told OW all about it. He had intended to tell her but hadn't had a chance yet. (2 days later)
He said they have no secrets. I wonder if he has told her that he tells me how much he misses me? loves me? That he refuses to move all his stuff out and insists he doesn't want D?

Anyway, This ticked me off. He is accusing me of interfering in his A, and I KNOW, no one knew about Sat. So, unless she had us followed, she was just fishing. He said The person he suspected of being "the pipeline" has been creating all kinds of issues. I told him, that I had not seen that person in a year! He was surprised. Trouble in paradise! I think he finally believed me. Thanks OW! I couldn't have interfered better! I plan to stay out of the drama but am all paranoid now that I might be followed or she hacked my email. I did plant a seed that his email might be hacked. I did send a text this am saying hope today was a better day for him. He smiley'd back.

I really want to "handle" situations like this to my advantage but it is less riskier to sit back. I want to be the "rock" and the "safe place" to be...right?

I will go read some more........

Last week we had a few emails re: $ transfers. cool and calm.

Sat. H took DD16 to a driving class and then to dinner. She drives so he didn't come to the house. Has only been here twice in 18 weeks and didn't want to come in when DS invited him. "Too hard" he said. He did come in for prom night and complimented the looks of the house but was uncomfortable. Told me how to restake a tree after he tried w/o new stakes.

H invited DS to go to batting cages on Sun. I was to drop him on my way to a charity luncheon w/ DD. H didn't want me to just drop him, but to wait for him. (Weird. did he want to see me? H is usually late, so I balked at waiting.) He also said he would stake up the tree when he dropped DS off. I told him not to worry, I would get around to it. He insisted he would do it so I said Thank you!

When it came time to leave, DS refused to go. I apologized to H. I couldn't tell if he was relieved or disappointed. H hasn't seen DS since mid-march at 2 of DS's Baseball games. He has only seen him 2 other times, once for a Dr appt and once for a movie since Christmas! This after reassuring DS he would be at Most of his games this season!

Anyway, i suggested he try getting him after school someday. H picked up on that right away and said he'd get him on Tues, go to the cages and dinner, then take him to the game. But then he was going to Karate lesson so he couldn't stay for the game.

Yesterday, we spoke a half dozen times about unimportant business details. It was like our old convos. Old H was back for a day!

No, i do not have any expectations from his new interest in the kids and house and talking business with me. Well, I do expect it not to last.

H just called again for details on picking up DS. Was chatty but I wanted to get back to getting this out!

I feel I should post these things as they come up. I get so distracted reading here however. I also get frustrated b/c so many links take me back to the Open Forum page. Anyway around that? Still can't figure out the MLC stages.

My biggest question is How much friendliness is enough to keep the door ajar without allowing for cake-eating. The safer he feels around me, the less depressed he seems.

I do not want him to get the idea I am OK with the way things are but I do want him to know I am a safe haven. It is a delicate dance.

WhatNow,
I have the same question about when is being to nice turning into a doormat. And my H to acts less depressed when I am nice and I'm afraid he'll take that as we are fine this way, lets just be friends...

I think one way to combat that is to not always be available and not answer all his calls. They need to know that we are not at their becken call. I could be wrong and maybe someone more experienced will know better. I can't tell you if it's worked for me, because I'm always availabe. However, I'm working on changing that one.

mb,
It is so hard to know. Totally dark was so much easier, which is why I encouraged it for you! Now that I have myself under control, I wonder how do I interact w/h. Polite, cordial easy enough. When he brings up our R, it is easy enough to deflect.
I do not initiate anything, take calls only if I know why he is calling, otherwise it goes to VM and I respond depending on the importance of the matter.

He called again just now, and I picked up b/c he is picking DS up at school. He got him ok and was wondering when he had to be at his game. I told him twice and again in the email that included the directions to the school and the field. (He couldn't remember where these places were.???) Then He wanted to know if I was going to the game (duh.??) He would see me there. Great. shoot. This is getting too stressful. Not emotional stress, I don't think...just tension...like what's next... Why all of a sudden.....I think I want to go back into hiding but I am so dang curious!...

Try reading this thread. On being a doormat.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Thanks Old Pilot!
The thread has a very helpful discussion. HeartsBlessings comments on pg3 struck a chord esp.

"how to be" is something everyone struggles with at some point in this journey. Since the journey began, I have gone back and forth between confidence and insecurity in my actions, questioning my self at every turn. Each situation is so very similar and we have a framework to "be" in, however, it is where the situations differ that cause distress. I'm rambling.....

last night, H called 3 more times while on my way to DS's game. Where was I, how far was I, did I want taco bell. I guess he knows I will answer if he has my dumplins.

He called again when they got to the field. I was already in the stands. He asked me to open the truck to let DS change into his uniform. I walked out to Pkg lot, let DS into truck, smiled and said Hi!. H handed me a soda from Taco Bell (that I had refused in an earlier call) and I said Thanks! H was smiling, acting awkward. I started to walk back to field and H kept chatting and I had to stop twice with a short response, but didn't turn around. Treated him like a nice guy that gave DS a ride. IDK why he won't stay to watch DS play. Weird. It is almost as if he uses the kids to see me. Since he has totally avoided kids for a couple of months, Whatever the reason for the connection w/ them doesn't matter. They need it.

This morning he is emailing. How was DS hitting. Did he do well. Blah blah blah. Needing reassurance I think.

I am trying to sit back and watch.


Need a chuckle?
Watch this ad!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lmy9R_WtPbg
Maybe someone could invent a spray called "Affair Away Spray"!

Wow this board moves so fast! Keeping up with everyone and reading old threads is a challenge.

A friend gave me a Feng Shui book. My whole problem is: my Master Bath water closet is placed behind the wall at the head of my bed. This, apparently causes all positive energy to get flushed down the toilet. No wonder my life is in the toilet since we moved into this house. Weird. Hopefully a plant in there will help.

NC today = pleasant day w/ house chores, grocery shopping and baseball practice.

Crazy Day.

Day started off with an 8am text from H "hi". I hate these b/c on one hand it feels good to know he is thinking of me, but, otoh, I start thinking about H and wondering all the possible meanings of the "HI". ie., Are the frequent contacts about him trying to reconnect? or Is he just trying to take temperature? I have to keep reminding myself they mean nothing as long as he is living with OW in their no-tell ho-tel. Then, he emails, then texts and finally calls about DS13 Baseball game schedule which I have already responded/reminded him of a # times this week.?? He hasn't been to a game since mid March!

But today we stood shoulder to shoulder as one unit protecting our daughter. (as if the last 2 years never happened)

DD18 called hysterical this morning. Her puppy mysteriously died. Her roommate went crazy (again) and tried to throw her down the stairs. I told her to stay where she was, and I would be right there. I called H, asked him to meet me there, not knowing which H would show up. Thankfully "old" H was there. He was in full protective daddy mode! We calmed DD, packed her stuff and got her out of there. (took 3 hours) So now she is home and is out back burying her puppy :((.

He looked good. Has gotten a haircut, trimmed up his affair goatee- which I hate...makes him look so old...I suppose OW tells him otherwise.

I am glad to have DD18 away from the crazy roommate but DD brings her own drama with her. It will be a bit less peaceful around here now.