Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis XH choosing no contact

Glam. I can see what you are saying, I just cannot share it. As far as forgiveness, I have none for people who abandon children. Does that make me a bad person? If it does, so be it, but someone who walks off and leaves little kids is not worthy of much in my eyes. Yes, I do believe they should pay for that for the rest of their lives. I guess my outlook on this stems from my father leaving us, then my XW leaving the kids....... Have I forgiven her? Nope, and never will. Have I moved on? Yes, I have met a wonderful woman that has taken my kids as her own, I intend on marrying her in the near future. I don't sit around and think about my XW, in fact, she is dead to me and the kids. Did I want it that way? No, it was HER choice to do what she did. She is an adult and able to make her own decisions. Will she regret them? Who knows and who cares. All I know is this; I told her when she made her choices, she would have to live with them, and if in the future she tries to contact me and the kids, she would face DIRE consequences from me. I don't contact or bother her in anyway, but if she does me, it will be the saddest day in her life. I think part of the problem with a lot of people on this board is they try to analyze everything, make excuses for bad behavior and choices instead of calling a spade a spade. Anyway, that is how I feel about things, I know I am in the minority with it, but we are all entitled to our own views!

BH

In one way I can understand how you feel when someone leaves children in the wind. No excuse for it. I do agree with Glam that forgivness is key to one own healing. Yes, your XW should suffer the consequences of her actions - this i agree with. I do not agree that people are making excuses on these boards (at least most do not).


FTR - my father left 20 bucks on the table when I was born and walked away - so I do understand your feeling about people who leave there children. Here is my personal though...Is it my job to ensure that they suffer - is it my job to carry around the burden of those negative feelings? IMO - Not. This stuff I leave to God.

I am happy that you found yourself a partner BH. May God Bless you and your family in the future.

Eric

Peace,
It has all been said here, but it sickens me also..
The Ml'ers lack any feelings for anyone but themselves.
I am so sorry your wonderful children have to go through this.

Trusting

(((peace)))

Thank you all for your support and thoughts and ideas..It really helps

It is all very confusing to figure out
and why the mlcer turns their back on their kids
in my rational mind, I cant undersatnd and I dont think I ever will
maybe only the Mlcer can explain their reasons at some point
but again, it will be so late
and they continue to avaoid any responsibility for their actions and maybe some can rationalize it in their minds and that may work for a while..but I guess you cant really esacape the pain you have caused others in the end, you will be haunted forever
no one wins

But as many as you have said--we the parent have to find ways to make it all work
and in many ways my life is really good and everything is working
maybe we are suppose to be without X
maybe that is what is best for now
peace

(((peace)))
My heart breaks for your kids. Just keep reassuring them that their father leaving has nothing to do with them...kids internalize so much.

In my opinion, it would take someone in a very dark and twisted place to abandon their kids...their family. I, like most people, could never think the way they do and have difficulty understanding it. I know when my mother left when I was 15 she blamed all of us for everything. She was able to justify things in her mind that way. Even though we have a great relationship now, she still harbors anger about the situation years ago and can't look at the fact that she abandoned me and my brother for those 2 years. It is kind of crazy.

I pretty certain that there are people that will go to the grave not ever owning up to doing anything wrong. Maybe that is what hell is about...spending eternity finally understanding the pain you caused others.


As always, you are doing a good job at staying positive. Your kids need you to be strong and to listen to them. I can only imagine how hurt your son must have been when his father never called him back. Hopefully he sees that his father isn't well. Do your kids know yet that he got remarried?

Take care.

Upside
It brings back old times chatting
all the changes
all the things we didnt know would happen
and its still not 100% over after 3 full years
MLC does take a longt time

my kids now know everything including their father remarriage
I dont think they can understand what happened
but in some ways my D 15 watched dad get "worse" as the months went on from bomb drop through seperation Divorce and finally total abandonment
finally he turned into a semi monster and someone who resembled a person I knew but so different
what a journey it has been
peace

Peace, You might want to look at Mandyloos thread, if you haven't already. Her X also cut off contact w/S but has begun to restore it somewhat.

I find it intriguing that many of you who are hurting wrt X's leaving of kids also were the children of parents who left.

I encourage some reading of family systems therapy. It helps you identify various patterns in family so that you can be aware of them and help to break them.

It might help you help your kids. It also supports the DB idea of "working on yourself." By differentiating yourself and focusing on your own development, you are better able to weather other people's moods and issues and may be able to find healthier mates.

We are with our spouses for a reason. Sure, they are emotionally immature--but what attracted us to them in the first place? How did we relate? These are good questions to consider.

peace-
I know I didn't think I would still be with my H's MLC after 3+ years and I'm sure you never thought your H would abandon his children. Makes you wonder where we will be in 3 more years as we continue on this journey. Hopefully your XH will figure out his children need him but in the meantime, enjoy the calm. If he does come back into the picture, he probably won't be very pleasent for you to deal with. I know my XH was a nightmare and I did think from time to time that life would be so much easier if he just went away.

I have to say that your XH's current W makes me sick. What a selfish piece of trash she is. Not only did she help destroy your family, she obviously isn't encouraging your XH to have a relationship with his children. I know ultimately it is your XH's choice but I can't help but feel she is responsible as well. I don't know how people like that can get up everyday and look in the mirror knowing they are hurting children.

I have often wondered this myself especially since I have picked two men who are extremely different but yet they both abandoned me. I know I'm not perfect and may not have always been the easiest person to live with but I don't think I ever did anything that warranted abandonment or my first H cheating. Why did I pick these men? Marriage takes work. Both of my H's decided to bail rather than do the work. In my opinion, they either have very little character and no honor or their brains are a little twisted letting them justify their bad behavior. What does that say about me that I would pick this kind of man? I think my self-worth was not what it should been therefore I settled for less than I should have. Does anyone else feel that way?