Just before I left for work, I was sitting in bed gathering my things, W walked in room and laid on the bed.
W said to me "I forgot you had work today" and I replied "Yes. Why did you have something planned?" W said "I thought maybe we could take the dog for a walk to the park" I then said "Oh, I would had called off if I knew sooner, I would enjoy going to the park." W then said "It's fine."
I could have still called off but I decided to go to work instead.
After I got to work, I see that my W was on you tube watching videos that deal with break ups and broken hearts such as Taylor swift tear drops on my guitar and a few elvis songs (OM favorite artist btw)
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Do I just overlook what she is doing? The searches and the heartbreak?
My W and I have had some good times in the past 5 days. We shared some good moments (it appeared reciprocated) and we created some new memories while at times we'd recollect on old ones.
It is hard to believe the time spent is sincere considering she is still thinking bout OM...
Now my W had not gone on the computer as often since the last blow up. Only after tonight when I decided to go to work rather than take off and spend time with her did she go on the computer and search these songs.
I feel like my W is looking in me for what OM provided and because I don't want to pursue I refrain and hold back from saying and doing a lot of stuff. I think W thinks to herself "he is not meeting my emotional needs, he is not ever going to be abvle to, I miss OM"
I am not sure how to handle all of this, I don't want to push my W away either way....
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
1. Your wife needs a time to transition here. It DOES look like she may be headed in the direction of EXITING the OM from her brain... Don't mess with that.. Its a healthy thing for her to finally do... It's like a drug and she is going through withdrawal... OK?
2. It doen'st have to be sincere right now, she just has to make the effort so she CAN SEE that YOU are making an effort.. for a LONG TIME she has been BLOCKING you OUT.. so even though YOU were getting some good practice time in, she wans't allowing any of it in... We aren't after sincerity... we just want her to make the effort... trust that the emotions will gradually over time follow the actions...
3. Keep an eye on her, but don't interfere if she's processing an exit to this affair.. that's what you WANT... don't mess with it
4. LEARN what she likes yes, but she is NOT going to be ready to accept any of your advances or pusuit likely for 12 weeks or more... Just watch and learn about her... Don't mess with the process if its heading in the right direction.. and it sounds like it is.. if you push, you can mess things up...
Again be ready for a blow up from work anytime soon...
you WILL have blow ups still.. they will be LESS OFTEN and they will NOT be as STORMY as before... assuming she is processing an affair exit... which it looks like what she is doing...
I did not want to say this (one of those times snooping does bad) BUT earlier this afternoon before we went shopping, My W was upstairs on the computer. I walked in the room and said "what you up to?" and she closed the laptop. I said "DO you really want me not looking at your screen? what do you have going on there?" She said "you'll see"
Curious to what she was hiding, I looked at the logs and seen she had went onto hallmark website and she created a custom card for Fathers day to me from the dog and it read something like "You are the best dad a dog can have" and on the front, inside were pictures of the dog and one of me and the dog together.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I think I missed some posts here. I didn't see the ones from Canadian Kid or the responses to him about what I had said. So, if OIN will be patient with me, I would like to address some things CK said.
Quote:
I appreicate Sandi2's willingness to be open and her insight into the mind of the WAW. I am, however; infuriated with this type of thinking. I don't care what has gone on inside a marriage, you don't cheat. If it's really that bad, then get the hell out. The whole WAW's mentality that the marital problems somehow "entitles" her to cheat is disgusting and a sign of someone who is a real low quality human being.. It's not even about your partner, its about having the strength of character to respect and honor yourself. Just my opinion.
I wish I knew your age, b/c that would help me. I certainly don't want to sound as if I am talking down to you or anything like that. I do know how to "respect" people and I want that to show through what I am about to say.
Anyway, I wish you could understand....but I know you can't b/c your mind is closed to it and b/c you've apparently never been on this side. But I truly want you to know that I never woke up one morning and decided I would have an A. I never....NEVER felt entitled to have an A. Why didn't I just get the hell out of my M if it was really that bad? B/c I had not made plans to cheat. I had not made previous plans to leave my M. Did I make a knowing choice about contact OM? Of course I did. However, in some cases, things are not always as simple as others make it sound.
Have you ever heard how a frog can be boiled alive? I bet you have but in case someone is reading who doesn't know the story... then please bear with me. If you want to boil a frog, you do not place him in hot boiling water b/c he'll jump right out of the pot. Instead, you place him in a pot of lukewarm water and turn the fire on under the pot. You gradually warm the water until it boils. Why doesn't the frog jump out? B/c he did not realize his blood was the same temperture as the water and he was cooked before he knew to save himself.
You refered to me (or WAW's as a whole) in very unflatering terms, CK, and even though I might deserve to hear that...it still hurts. It hurts b/c that WAW was not who I was before or who I've been since that time. That is not the girl my parents raised or the young lady my H M. She is not the mother of my children. She is not the role model her church members have looked up to her entire adult life.
You see, I use to be YOU in the form of a female. That's right, I saw things just the way you described in your response to what I had said. I was judgmental and self-righteous. There were no excuses for any sin whatsoever....but cheating...well, that was just plain low-down. Oh, and I'm sure I rejected any idea of giving such a sinner a second chance or even listening to the whys or wherefores of their story.....b/c after all, look back at the before paragraph to see what a "special" person I was. (In case there's doubt...I am being sarcastic here.)
You spoke of strength of character.....well, I actually thought I had exceptional character. My parents had raised me with all the right traits. But then I suppose I must have lost all strength of character, right? Does one lose good character and moral judgment for all eternity if they commit one sin? How about two or more sins? Can they ever gain any purpose in life other than to be considered a cheater and a selfish, low quality human being? Does that mean they have no chance at ever tasting grace and that they might as well burn in the everlasting flames of hell? Tell me CK, if you have a daughter some day who should make this very unwise....and perhaps even desparate choice, what would you pick as her sentence? And since "you" raised her, instilling values in her....would you tell her she is of no worth or purpose.....that you no longer love her? Or, would you cry for what happened and for the pain that had touched everyone concerned? Most of all, would you really feel that she was a low quality human being? I hope not, I really hope not. We never know when that might happen to one of our daughters, so be careful before you speak too harshly b/c she will remember those words.
I can't imagine what you must see in your line of work. If a person could be in law enforcement and not get hard-hearted would seem like a miracle, I suppose. But somehow I don't think that law enforcement has everything to do with how you feel about this issue. I don't think bad of you CK....not at all. I am concerned about you. Anytime a heart is hardened....joy has a very difficult time getting inside. Bitterness......that is what makes a person ugly on the inside, and I hope for your sake that you can get past this.
I do not want you to think that I am making excuses for myself or any WAW b/c I'm not. If you do not like my mentality, that's your choice....and I understand. Remember, I used to be just like you. But the day I messed up, brought my judge's seat crashing down. I believe that is the day I started to become a "real" human being. And, CK......I have not only tasted grace, but fed upon it...and I try real hard to pay it forward.
I wasn't attacking you at all so please don't think that. I'm grateful that you're here and willing to let others learn from your situation.
And I have been on your side of the fence. When I was 20 I dated a woman and cheated for at least a year. I knew from the first moment of contact with OW that what i was doing was wrong. I put myself in a position that was inappropriate and I made a choice to cheat because at the time it felt good. I never once blamed my girlfriends lack of attention or our relationship for my choices because they were just that, my choices. There was no DBing, in fact, she never found out. What made me change was getting up one day, looking in the mirror and being ashamed of the person staring back at me. That day I made a choice to stop cheating. I never cheated again.
I'm sure what Allen said is true that an affair creates a biological reaction similar to an addiction. But it still starts with a choice. I believe everyone deserves a chance for redemption but i think that requires at least a minimum amount of self awareness. If WAS's don't see their behavior as wrong, how can they ever facilitate change.
I don't want to sidetrack OIN's thread. Sandi2 and Allen, I appreciate both your point of views.
This sitch has been going on for so long that I have forgotten where we started. Have you asked your wife to go to counseling with you? It seems to me, with the gift of the bicycle and the Father's Day card from the dog, that she is trying in her non-verbal kind of way, to say she is sorry. (Granted to those who want real penance, not to any great depth, just a little gift/card giving kind of sorry.) To say that you and your wife have serious communication problems is an understatement. You could benefit from work on communication within the marriage, if you could find someone to help you with it. Perhaps, if and when you do decide to talk to her about more than shopping or the dog, and if she says that she has changed her mind about leaving, then maybe you could suggest that the two of you go to a marriage counselor and learn techniques for better communication within the marriage.
Lotus, I agree and hope that day does come. My W will not go to counseling. I have not asked her in since the first month of our sitch, we are on month 4 now.
I want to give my W time to get over OM before making any significant attempts to reconciliation. I am just trying to establish a positive relationship with my W and build from there.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
