Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

It has been a couple of days and things seem to have gone down hill more quickly. My husband is regretting having sex the other day(Wed). I know this was a mistake, really I do. I did ask him to come by after work yesterday(Thur) so we could talk (which he complained was the reason he left again, because I don't talk about our relationship). Well he said he couldn't come over because he was regretting what happened the other day. This is code word for him going to see the OW. It has happened in the past and I know the pattern of how he acts and what he will say. He blames himself for something or is "having issues" and then he spends time with her. Until she can't have time for him or he feels guilty....I'm not sure what the real reason is everytime. I think he is just such a completely confused guy. I tried to call him after work last night (I know I shouldn't have). He didn't answer.

So today (Fri) he sends me a text that he is still regretting what happened and that he really thinks we need a divorce and he is "sorry". I told him I was going to see a counselor for myself and I would like him to come, but I couldn't make him. He said it was a waste of time and money. I told him that divorce isn't the answer, and that he himself said that his cousin's marriage could have worked and they shouldn't have divorced. He denies ever saying this. So weird how he is in a fog and remembers what he wants.

Long story short, he said he is coming over tomorrow to mow the lawn....I am really thinking of not being here and I am just going to really try again to be "dark". It is so hard. What do I have to lose though really? Will he get mad, will he wonder what I am doing?

I just want my best friend back and to spend time together without him being so moody, distant, frustrated and foggy. I am convinced that he is suffering from depression and has been for some time. It has just now boiled over and the other thing that will make it go away, is to get rid of me. I've done quite a bit of reading on depression and now that I look back, it is really clear now that the way he was acting he has been depressed. I ignored it because I couldn't get him to talk.....and I didn't know what to do.

I am now contemplating talking with his Mother. I know she doesn't want us to be divorced and that she thinks he is depressed. I want him to get couseling/treatment but he is SUPER stubborn about admitting something is wrong. I feel like his roller coaster is coming down to a low soon though and that might be my chance to talk with him and actually possibly get through. I'm not sure though. Just tossing ideas around in my head with all my free time here.

The key is to make sure you talk to him at the right time. Until then the biggest part of DBing is improving yourself. If H won't go to counseling with you, you should still go yourself. Connect with some old friends and hang out. Go and do something anything that will make you happy. Don't just sit around the house and do nothing. Get a life (GAL), and have some fun. Work on you, make yourself happy. This might push H farther away, or it might draw him closer, but overall you will be happier and stronger.

I know it is hard to believe in the beginning, but it helps. Read about depression. Talk to your counselor, and work on you. Then when the time is right and H comes to you, talk to him.

Yeah, isn't it? Unfortunately, it's also VERY, VERY common. Try to let it go and just realize it is the fog.



DON'T BE THERE. Go anywhere - coffee shop, bookstore, library, a movie - ANYTHING. Get mysterious and do something YOU enjoy. Whatever he thinks, so be it. It doesn't matter.



Yep, present in my sitch too. And, unfortuantely, until they are ready for help, there is nothing ew can do to change that.



I don't think I would talk to him mom. He isn't going to get help until he's ready. Not b/c his mom or anyone else talked him into it. Only when HE is ready.

Both of your words of advice definately make so much sense. I was here at the house today and didn't know he was here washing his truck. Oops, I didn't get to make a get away. Wish I had. He was mostly pleasant and we did some stuff in the yard and basement. Just typical house stuff.

Then he just decides he is going to leave and walks out. I asked where he was going and he said he was leaving because all I talk about it bull*@!#. I know I shouldn't have engaged him in all of his negative talking about how he thinks I avoid talking about our relationship, why he hasn't worn his ring, how he thinks he should file for divorce, how he thinks he failed our marriage, how he thinks we can't ever go back....he just went on and on and on. No matter what I did or didn't say pretty much it is my fault for "avoiding to talk about our relationship". Not his fault, because he was waiting to see what I would do. WTF, are you serious? I am so frustrated. I asked him if he really thought getting a divorce would solve all of his problems.... and that maybe he is depressed. He said maybe he is depressed but he isn't going to take pills, or see a stupid psychiatrist. I asked him if he was going to live his life feeling like sh!# then and he said "YES". Givingitmyall, you are correct that he isn't going to get help until he is ready. It is so true.

He also denies that he is seeing the OW and tried to tell me that she is already on the other side of the country. I called him out on his lie that she is in fact working at his work....

Ok, back to square one pretty much. I am just going to take your words of advice and I really need to just live my life. I am contemplating asking him to show me a couple of condos that are for sale (he is a real estate agent & we would have to sell our house). I am just going to have to go on with my life and maybe it will be better without his negative cranky attitude all the time. I think I will tell him the next time I talk with him that I would like to talk with him about anything and everything but beyond that I am just not going to initate contact with him....and see what happens.

Since he wants to talk about the relationship, see if you can go see a counselor and let him know you would like to talk about things there with him. This way you have a mediator and can make sure you just aren't yelling at each other, but really talking to each other. Make it sound like this is to help you so you can understand him better and not because he needs to go. It is a little sneaky, but talking to him about the R even though he is asking to, without strategies or someone there, is going to be a spinning wheel. He doesn't know what he wants and it will only get worse before it gets better.

Also don't talk to him about a condo. Do everything you can to stay in the house. He left you, not you leaving him so don't move unless you absolutely can't afford the house and H won't help. Stay your ground.

Awest you are correct. I should stay at my home. The funny thing is that when I talked with him last night he said he wasn't comming home for awhile. Which is confusing because he said he wants a divorce and then he said he wasn't coming home for awhile. Seriously some confusing stuff.

I'm going to read more about depression today. I really think my husband thinks he is going to live this fantasy life until the OW leaves and then he'll come home or something. I'm not so sure what he is thinking and I don't think he does either.

I am just so tired of this and want for it to end. I hate to say it, but maybe we should just get divorced and move on...but that seems to be the easy way out if you ask me. I don't want to give up but it sure does sound appealing to me.

If you think divorce is an easy way out, try something else that is easier. Do not be around when he is there, if he comes and catches you off guard, how about jumping in the shower getting dressed nice and say that you are going out to meet with someone. Go out have a nice time, call a friend, go shopping, grab a bite, anything but what you are doing which is total pursuing over and over again, which he labels as BS.

Time to get a plan a stick with it. You can totally turn this sitch around as long as you use your head instead of reacting to him or your current feelings.

Burt

dburt-

YOU ARE SO RIGHT.... I didn't have any contact with him today at all. NONE what so ever. Very proud of myself and I plan to do the same again tomorrow. I am going to leave the ball in his court and let him come to me and see what happens.

It is just so frustrating when I tell him we need to spend more time together. Which we haven't done for the last 2-3 years. We've worked opposite schedules and definately not made our time together a priority. He says that it shouldn't make a difference. WTF, it does make a difference.

I really wish this nightmare would be over but what doesn't break you makes you stronger, right?

question for anyone---
I know Michelle says to go out GAL and act "as if" and go on with your life. My husband can't stand that I have ignored for the last 4-6 months:

* the fact that he thinks he wants a divorce
* that he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring
* that I ignore talking about our relationship

This stuff seriously pisses him off. I don't know how to respond to this and it is almost like he wants me to give him permission to file for divorce. Yesterday (Sat) he asked if I knew how close he was to filing. Kind of an open ended question and I think he was waiting for me to give him the green light. Which I didn't.

That is exactly it. He wants you to say go ahead and do it. Just keep on the DB path. For some it works, for some it doesn't, but for everyone it makes you a stronger and better person because you work on you. Just let him keep letting off steam, but don't respond or just say I understand what you are saying. If he really wanted a D he would have done it by now.

Stay strong