Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

if there is OW, then yeah i got what i deserved.


always.


thank you. i will work on me for me.


i didn't save myself for the right person.
i thought i did. but i was wrong.
my moral values didn't change.

yes, i'm in a lot of pain. it makes me do crazy things to try and get rid of the pain.


i don't understand this point. what do i keep saying about him?

i still wish i had saved myself.
now i really feel like a used car.

dumped.

yeah. it was a sauna on the court.
i don't stink though. i feel like there's a layer of grit on me (salt from my sweat) but i don't stink.

i have a natural clean smell.
like i said, i'm blessed.


can you give me an example?


i am happy with myself in general.
but i'm not happy with how i've handled myself in my sitch.
i put on a good front. but i feel like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i think about checking myself into a hospital or something for help but i don't know if anything can be done. i'm just driving myself crazy.
one day i want to drop money on a new house.
then i want a one night stand to prove that sex is a priority and a passion for me. and to numb the pain.
now i want to run away to hawaii and not come back.


it's hard to say.
i didn't take the job in the end.
i was flattered that i got the job in the first place because they've never met anybody like me before.
i was probably more flattered to hear them say that than being offered the job at any cost.
i know what i am capable of doing and i was able to articulate it and impress the execs with my experience and how i dealt with situations. i was honest, and i had nothing to lose.
as the interview went on, i knew i was what they needed.
however they said something during the interview that hit a nerve with me. that's why i turned it down.


uh .. uh ..

my h won me over with words and not with gifts.
i kept every card he's ever given me and every card had something sweet written in it.
the card always meant more to me than the gift that was attached to it because the card would say how much i meant to him. how he much he loved me.

just like how i said i was more flattered to hear that they've never met anybody like me before.
they said that they don't meet candidates like me very often and therefore, they came back with the "job at any cost" offer.
i didn't even give them an answer to the "what would it take to bring you on board" question.
but i do remember them saying that they've never met anybody like me before.
and i was over the moon.

I agree with that observation. I had the thought that GG was more of the H in the R. Can't say exactly why but I picked up on that vibe also.

i'm lost.
maybe i don't understand the role of h and w in a m.
but i did the typical w stuff.
i cleaned, i cooked, i did laundry.
i organized.
any bill that was in his name, i would be granted authority to make decisions on it (ie. if the bill needed to be corrected due to an incorrect calculation, i would be the one who'd call to get it fixed.)
i even took the garbage out because i "owned that task" (his words, not mine).

you guys are going to have to explain to me because i'm really lost.

btw, i went through some of FG's old posts from back in the day. i wanted to know how he went from hopeless to where he is now. half the time, i don't believe anybody really understands. but i believe in FG.

i appreciate the questions you asked me. it was a nice change from the ranting that i was doing.

i hate hearing advice on how i should work on myself so i can be ready for the next relationship. it is NOT ME to do that. it's not who i am as a person. so i really don't appreciate that sort of advice. i don't jump from person to person, trying and buying before i find the right one. i don't do that. i never have and never will. i get angry when this kind of advice is given.

Busted. So are you in little better place in your head?





the emotional part. You seem more pragmatic, in control of your emotions, problem-solving, think thru issues instead of feeling thru them, and no drama. These are all great traits. Your H seems more of the "feeling" one in the R. MWD talks about the see-saw in R.

When someone says "you don't understand me." That is a emotional response not a intellectual one. And when your spouse says that it means the emotional connection has problems. Notice how it felt when you were told that "we have never interviewed someone like you." They spoke your LL - words of affirmation. They understand you. It wasn't the money but the feeling of being appreciated for who you are. That creates the emotional connection.




Do the work. Know thyself. Become aware, use all your senses. Be grateful. That's how I handle it.

Cheers


ps Did you find "The Codetalkers" song?

Are you all familiar with Spiritual Gifts assesment?

D4ML is the "worker bee", "Beaver" or "Melencholic" of the R. They tend not to be terribly emotional people. Very hard workers, very organized, introverted but can force themselves to get out, but it does drain them. Prone to depression. Beat themselves up TERRIBLY when mistakes are made, because they are so very careful when they make any major decisions.

They are engineers, accountants, scientists, computer programers. I have a friend that is a nurse that is melencholic so you do find them in other fields. They are the "treasurers" and "secretaries" of clubs.

Her H I think is a "Golden Retriever" or "Phlegmatic", but this I'm not sure of still. This personality is very prone to being co-dependent. Extreme people pleasers. Very easy going and laid back. They HATE conflict (like between D4ML and parents--this would kill a Plegmatic type). Not terribly ambitious usually--they are too easy going and don't like to "fight their way to the top" because of wanting to please everyone. They DO get to the "top" sometimes because everyone likes them and they are good at what they do, but it's not usually real comfortable for them. They are usually artsy.

Around here D4ML, the next "relationship" is hopefully your H

i am a bit. it helped because it allowed me to put the focus on me. and i need that kind of help. otherwise, i end up ranting and putting the focus on h.

i think you understood that pounding the same thing in to my head wasn't going to get through. the only way was to change the subject and make me talk about me. smart tactic and it worked.


i don't know if i'm really in control of my emotions - at least, not of late.
internally, i am a basket case.

it's odd that you say that my h is the "feeling" one because his myers-briggs test shows that he isn't a 'feeler'.
and i think he's proud of that because guys don't want to be known as 'feelers'.

for me, we can't both be basket cases. just like both of us can't be lavish spenders. we'd go broke and it's funny, i usually held back on the spending because i thought that going into debt and having money problems would put a strain on our relationship and that would lead to d.

we weren't broke. we had different spending habits and we never.

if spending made him happy, i was all for it. spending didn't make me happy so i didn't do it as often. remember this though .. i will touch on this again later in my note.


why doesn't he understand the emotional connection that i need when we are intimate?
he can't expect me to understand his bond with his parents and not understand that i need to feel that bond between me and him in order to be intimate?



here i thought my LL was physical touch and quality time.

coach.. i get it.
being discarded is the same as being told that 'you're not what i'm looking for'.
it hurts.
when i was told that it was over, it felt like i was being terminated from a job that i felt i was doing well at.
i never got a progress report to tell me what i was doing right or what i was doing wrong so i would get a chance to change it or improve.
i just got terminated with no explanation.

in reality, i was once laid off from a job i was really good at.
i never got over it. to this day, i am still very angry.
i moved on to other jobs. but i was never fully invested in any of them.
this is how i feel about the possibility of a future relationship.
i would never be fully invested in it and therefore, i wouldn't even try.
i do see the pattern. and that's what people don't understand about me.
i know me. and i would never be fully invested in the next person who wants a relationship with me.
in order to have a good relationship, you have to take that risk to be vulnerable and have both feet in.
the thought of being in a relationship just to say you have someone to grow old with for the rest of your life is not a relationship i want.

i want to be lost in good conversation.
i want to laugh until my cheeks hurt.
i want to look at someone and nothing else matters.
i want to be with someone who makes me want to be a better person.
i want to be with someone who says i'm worth it.

will i find that again? i don't know. unlikely.
my h was the only one who ever got to know the real me.
he saw my strengths. he benefitted from my strengths.
later, he took advantage of my good nature.

when i opened my eyes, i saw how i was being taken for granted. so many small incidents where i would just shake my head. it's fighting like children over toys. taking for the sake of taking or being greedy. secretly taking so the other person didn't know. but i knew. and i just let it go.

i can't let the jewellery go because it is my last fight. i've had enough of this childish taking.


it's a struggle for me every day.

i like the questions you fire at me to get me to focus on me.
it let's you know who i am and how to effectively get me to process the information and advice i am given.

dumped.

i forgot to touch on the spending part.

i can see myself spiralling out of control on the spending part.
i wanted to drop money on a brand new house.
i want to go back to school
i want to take a long vacation
whenever i am out of the house, i'm buying stuff to justify my time out.
bought a really nice tv, toaster oven.
what next?
buying all these things isn't solving anything.

i need a plan. a real plan.
where do i want to be in a year?
what do i want to do?

i have no direction. moving home is really expensive.
why not buy in the city where i am now?
so let's figure out where in the city and what i want to buy.
townhome. 2000 sq ft for just me.

i want to be away from here for my birthday.
where do i go? san fran? i want to go for a week.
ok. will need cheap lodging and a car.

i may be over my head. but i can't sit here and do nothing.
my parents think i'm just nuts.
i don't like to sit at home and do nothing.
i get squirrely.
i have to be doing something. learning something.

but the spending is getting out of hand.
i don't know how to control it.
something to discuss with ic today.

i'm not familiar with this. is it part of gary chapman's ll stuff?


he doesn't work at pleasing me.
and yes, he hates conflict. he once said that he experiences conflict at work and when he comes home, he senses conflict as well. the only place there is no conflict is when he is alone in his bed. and therefore, he never wants to get out of bed to face the conflict at work.


i agree.
with his skill, he could have done more with his career.
but he dragged his heels. he wanted to spend more time on activities like volleyball, ultimate frisbee, etc.
it's like wanting to be peter pan. always have fun and never face responsibilities or grow old.


((lauraoh))
thanks.

Re: Spending

Sounds to me like you are doing what many MLCer do... trying to find happiness from outside rather than from within.. Only you have the presence of mind to be aware of what you are doing and try to curb it...

Just my .02