Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Husband Just Left Me

Now I'm having slight panic. I know I need to be patient but I just obsess over things.

I usually work from home but on Thursdays I go into the office. I'm wondering if WAH is planning to get his things when I am at work. This bothers me - probably because I will miss an opportunity to interact with him.

Today, on the phone session Laurie said I should focus on stalling him because he is in high gear to get this over with.

She also said that I should keep things the way they are with teh finances. Yesterday, he said he would just keep paying the bills, etc with our money that was deposited in there (both of ours). However, today I looked at the account and he had spend $60 at the bar last night. I obviously am not going to say anythign but I almost want to move my money to a different account so he can't spend my money to go party... I didn't think at the time to mention this to Laurie. But now I'm confused. She is telling me not to really change anythign (let him initiate) other wise he might get the impression that I am okay with this happening (he is extremely literal). That I understand but what happens we he starts using money I also need to use for partying, etc? It's just frustrating. I

Also, I recieved an email today from a friend of his (doesnt know we are seperated). The email was to my husband but he didnt have my husbands email address. Do I just ignore it, forward email to husband or email friend and say "Hey so and so, you can reach H at fdsjl@fdjslfds.com"?

HUGS....Everything will be OK. I suggest focusing on right now...that helps me.

As far as the money, one question to ask yourself:

"Am I enabling irresponsible behavior?"
...Is the $60 making it so bills are not getting paid?
Can YOU spend $60 on a massage and still cover the bills?

The bills are getting paid. We have several account and money automatically goes into the billing account.

I'm wondering if I should just make it so that my portion goes into the billing accout (same as now) and then the residual amount of my paycheck (its only about $150) goes into an account he can't access.

I'm so confused. I just don't want to be walked all over and I think that's unfair. I can spend that money if he wouldn't spend it first!

Ok now I'm livid.

He is taking money from our billing account and using it. He does this sometimes and returns it and I'm assuming that is what he is planning to do but I'm livid.

I'm so livid right now. I don't know what to do I want to punch the wall or something.

He is so disrespectful. What am I supposed to do?

I almost want to call his mother or something. I know she is on my side. His parents are on my side. He is destroying his life.

I think he is gambling with the money. I have a thing where I can type in his phone number and where ever his cell phone is I can see where he is.

I'm so furious. I'm so furious. I'm so furious.

Do I confront him about it or ignore it? Do I say something? What am I supposed to say?

I'm just speechless right now. I want to email his therapist or something. I feel helpless.

Hi, Anne, look- I get that you are desperate and panicked and don't want to do the wrong thing!! (((HUGS!))) But you posted several times about being worried about the money, therefore it means your gut is telling you that you need to separate the account. Or open a separate account. And this is just plain smart.

I recognize that your DB coach, whom I have heard excellent things about, warns you not to make moves that might push your H forward with the D. HOWEVER there are too many horror stories of spouses taking money from the joint checking or savings so that they won't be used against them in the division of assets if it comes to D...and I think for selfish reasons too!

Think of it like this- my WH and I split our joint account, still have it but also have separate accounts, back in March 09 and we are still not divorced. If we reconcile, then it is easy to go back to using the joint account!

Thank you newmama. Is this something I need to say to my WAH or should I just seperate them?

I called my bank and I'm able to remove him if I want.

Also, as I said. I dont think he is trying to move large sums of money. He is basically taking money and gambling and drinking with it. I believe he will put it back - he makes a lot of cash from his job but I'm upset because I feel like he should be having a more difficult time.

I think that's where I'm having trouble. DB coach is telling me one thing and I want to do that but I kind of feel like WAH is using joint assets to go out and have a good time. Basically, borrowing "credit" from our own money.

Is it appropriate to confront him? I have not contacted him and all and don't plan to do so unless absolutely necessary.

I am sorry to everyone for all the posts. Today was good until all this and then I just lost it and had a really bad hour of crying and freaking out.

Also, I can go onto our cell phone records and see who he is calling and I blocked my number and called them and tey were women. He also used a calling card. I'm wondering if he went to see a prositute. As I also said I can track his phone and the area he was in is where a lot of people gamble.

About calling his mom- DON'T at this point. She won't be able to do anything and it will just piss him off!

I really think it is powerful if you make the change and inform him (to be respectful). You won't be asking, you will be saying it matter of factly- something like

"Just to let you know, I am switching some money over to an individual account while we are working things out. If you want to move out, then I think it is only fair "

1) it shows you are not desperate and won't be walked all over
2) it shows confidence with setting a boundary and men (women too! ) respect that


You might want to read the book Why Men Marry B!tches- B!tch stands for Babe In Total Control Of Herself. I need to re-read it! But in the last month am finally finding my old inner B!TCH!

And I get that there is a delicate dance you must do right now- some moves may propel him to finalize the D and others can help to stall. But you don't need to get financially screwed in this process!!!!

Anne, I just saw your post and have to tell you that I don't feel confident about the suggested wording I gave you--you should spend time figuring out a carefully crafted reason for splitting the money that shows setting a boundary but also won't push him too far....draft it here! hopefully someone else will post to you about it, too!

Thanks newmama. It's kind of like when I think about doing it I get upset. Like I'm starting something or like it's come to this.

I just wish I could hate him or something. It would make it so much easier if my mind could take all the crap he put me through and erase all the good and I could just not like him and then this would be easier.

I'm so angry. I'm just so angry and I want to get past that. It's so fresh though and it's hard. I'm so incredibly hurt. I seriously don't even know who he is anymore. Three years ago I thought I was marrying my soul mate- he was so generous, loving and kind. Somewhere along the way its like he took a wrong turn and is just self destructing. I feel like he is manipulative.

Now I'm wondering if he said he would keep paying the bills so he could still access the account. It's like, why would you do that?