Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Husband Just Left Me

Newmama, just saw your other post. That is a really great idea. I seriously think I would be in the looney bin if it wasn't for this place. It's like I have no barring and this forum gives me some sort of control so I don't go off the deep end.

Here is what I was thinking. I would send in an email:

"Hi WAH,

Good morning! I just wanted to let you know that I have moved my paycheck so it goes into a seperate account. The $xxxx will still transfer into the joint billing account every two weeks but the remaining portion of the money will stay in my account. I thought it would be easier for us both to help keep everything straight; we can always move it back at a later time.

Thanks,
anned

I dont know about the above either. I really want to say "Listen [censored]. Why can't you just wake up? What happened to the man I loved? Where did you go? I love you so much and care about you and I feel like you are throwing your life away and don't care about anyone but yourself. I've given you everything. I'm not a doormat. I'm switching my account because you are so unpredictable and I don't trust you."

Yeah, that probably would not be good. I keep trying to tell myself that no matter what happens I want to be able to hold my head up. I think its better that I freak out on here than call my WAH irrationally screaming at him or something.

Nix the "I thought it would be easier" line and the "we can always move it back" line.

H: I have decided to deposit my paycheck in my own account. I will transfer xxxx every two weeks to the joint acct to cover my portion of the bills.

BINGO. What CG said.

No need to kiss his a$$ here.

Puppy

Ok I know I am going to get flamed. I promise that I'm not trying to defend myself. I completely understand the statement and it makes sense. My worry is that my WAH is extremely literal - it's very odd. And so my fear is that even though I have made it clear that I am open to a reconciliation and workign on our marriage that if I do anything to make him think otherwise he will take that as I've changed my mind.

I would like to word it more softly. I dont think I need to be "nice" but he is extremely sensitive. I promise he will read that as me being mean. Granted, he shouldn't be doing what he did but I'd like to be the bigger person.

First, I love your email and CG and Puppy ARE vets so you should listen to them! The message without the lines comes across as confident and I think you should start to think of this whole scary mess partly as a "Poker game" and partly as "Chess" which involves strategy more than luck. I actually don't know the rules of Poker (sadly, sounds like your H might!) other than you have a hand of cards and you bet without showing cards and try to convince the other players that you have a better hand than they do by betting more money and keeping cards you get (right)? BLUFFing?

So your email nix the lines shows you are protecting yourself financially but by not indicating that you are willing to change it in the future, it is a bluff- you actually want him to think you are getting pissed off at his actions and are getting closer to filing for D (i.e. rejecting HIM) before he will file! It is also a chess move closer to capturing the queen.... I hope I don't get in trouble for saying that! Meanwhile, you "prepare for the worst AND the best" by GALing and not pursuing.

As you GAL, you become more interesting, distracted from your current stressful situation, and it will make you more attractive to your H or to others if you D. By not pursuing, or getting angry or letting him see that you are flipping out, it shows that you are valuable...that you KNOW you are a great catch and will get snatched up by someone else so you aren't worried about losing him. This makes your H hesitate before deciding do divorce you. He sees your confidence and can recognize that other men will, too, and this makes you valuable.





LMAO!!!!! I would LOVE to say all of the bolded to my WH too!!!!

Should I even leave out "Hi" and "Thanks" at the end?

I really, truly appreciate all the feedback. Luckily, I have just been freaking out on here but have not showed that to WH. I have not tried to contact at all and when he asked to talk yesterday I let him lead the discussion and remained calm and mature even though I felt like kneeing him in the balls a few times.

I guess I am confused because my DB made it seem like I should be nicer. She didn't actually say that. I guess when I saw him yesterday I was pleasant but I also wasn't complimenting him, etc. It is such a fine line - I dont want to be walked all over and for him to think that me letting my guard down means he can do that but I also don't want to be closed off.

For instance, he asked if he could fold the laundry. I was so surprised. I think he asked out of guilt but I just said "no thank you, thanks for asking. DB Coach said I should have said "How thoughtful of you, even in the midst of this you are offering. Thank you!" I don't know - to me that seems desperate or something. However, her comments may have also come from the fact that I explained he was very literally and sensitive.

I know I'm over analyzing.

OK I just saw your last post about wanting to be soft. Guess what Anne? I am not divorced yet but I have been in limbo for OVER a year BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SOOOOO SOFT! (Of course my H has an OW so that could be a big factor, lol!) Still what I mean is that in this last month I have made some forward changes like what Puppy and CG are telling you to do with your email and WH has still not filed any paperwork (see my signature). and he has said he wants to divorce about 4 times in the last year!

"Believe nothing they say and 1/2 of what they do"

You do want to stand up to your H without flipping out and going all Jerry Springer on him- believe me, it shows confidence and he will RESPECT you more which will make him be drawn to you. I got the sense your self esteem is low so if I am right, then your H can sense that. He subconsciously probably thinks because your self esteem is low, you wont' get out there and meet someone else and will pine for him always so he doesn't have to worry about losing you in case he changes his mind. HA- if you start making some bold moves (albeit- carefully and time them with self improvement!) then this will definitely worry him! And work on losing weight if you think it is a factor (unless you are not truly overweight-some women are so critical of themselves!)

lol- I keep posting at the same time you are! I kinda think that saying "hi" is silly with the "business like" email you are sending. You can say thanks though- that is polite and respectful.

Yes, acknowledging your H's contributions like folding laundry and other deeds is important. Appreciation and admiration is HUGE for most men (I know, I know, women too). So you can thank him and be sure to not let him walk all over you by


1) thanking him for his deeds
2) start doing the deeds so he can't do them and will see you are being more independent which means you will be fine without him
3)protecting yourself financially
4)figuring out your boundaries
5) NOT calling him or texting or emailing
6) looking your best and not showing depression or fear

Give us details on how this works.....

My Spin: