Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DESPERATE FOR HOPE AND UNDERSTANDING

I have discussed my situation with my WAW, as you can follow via the links below.

I need someone to cut through all the confusion in my M and help me understand what is happening. I have had 3 DB sessions, which have been helpful. But there are so many questions that I can not answer.

Back on May 5 my W and I went to see my therapist together. I was expecting more of the same: she wants a separation, she doesn't want to work on things, etc. Instead my therapist actually got her to back off the S and talk about our relationship and the good things. We actually laughed a bit..

Eventually I started hearing my W say things like, "No promises..." and talk openly about how I have hurt her by neglecting our R. She made it pretty clear that before she could work on our M she first had to work on herself. But with two twin 2 year olds, she has almost no time to do that. This is when I started wondering to myself, "How would a S make anything easier for her? It would only make it harder." I got a message that she was overwhelmed by raising two kids and had no time for herself. We discussed ways to change that.

But she was still very protective of the hurt. She would not come out and offer me any concessions. But the bottom line was that I felt like she had been talked off the ledge and she was at least willing to put the negative feelings on hold. My therapist ended with, "Just work on being good parents. Be friends and just see how things go." From that day to Mother's Day there was a palpable feeling of less tension between us and we were friendlier to each other, laughing more, etc.

Then Mother's Day came and I put A LOT of thought into making it special for her. I had my sons do a fingerpainting for her, they each gave her flowers, a card, a framed photo of them and another photo with accompanying hand print molds to preserve the day forever. Again, all from the boys.

But it seems from that day she has backslid and again seems distant, less talkative, more withdrawn and she's even snapped at me a few times. But on the other hand, she leans on me to do things for her around the house, for her, and she is quick to text me or forward me pics of the kids when something happens that excites her. I am getting such mixed signals. I know I am their father and am the only person who will care what goes on all day the way she does, but she is so good at turning herself off to me once the kids are sleeping.

She made reservations for dinner for herself, her sister and bro-in-law. I was not invited and instead asked to take care of the kids. It hurt but then again she is at least doing something that makes her happy. But it was an easy opportunity to include me and take a step forward, but she couldn't do it.

I contacted a neutral MC and forwarded her a text with the info and said I wouldn't do anything until I spoke to my W first. She never even replied to the message.

Just a few weeks ago she was telling my therapist that she was there to "work" on things. Now she seems as distant as ever. I am so very confused by this yo-yo-ing. Did I do something wrong? She tells me about the kids' day every night when I get home, she tells me bits and pieces of her own schedule, but she is so stubborn when it comes to doing anything that will bring us closer.

We are on 3 months of this and I have moments of utter agony and ambivalence. The hard times are really hard to deal with because I so miss the affection of my wife. It's killing me.

I am going out alone tomorrow to a grade school reunion (ugh, more torture!), but I have to try and have more fun. But just when it seemed like we had warmed some of the ice, I feel like things have gotten frosty again.

Gosh I could use some sage insight by anyone. I am banging my head against the walls!

______________PREVIOUS THREADS_______________

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...758#Post1959758
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...180#Post1996180

So sorry to hear the way things are going. Can't offer you expert advice but i can offer my perspective. My W was very similar to yours. Wanted to work on herself was the theme. But did not want to try again at the marriage. I found it hurt so much to have her around that I finally asked her to leave and do a trial sep. Eventually she did but wanted no part of the trial sep, wanted a legal sep. She has since backslid a few times.

What I can offer you is that I think If I had to do it again, I would have not been so eager to have her out of the house despite the pain it was causing. Giving her space is huge and going on with your life is also huge. My mistake, I was so hurt by the sitch that I should weakness and wept often and persued.

Maybe try and work on the marriage if she is willing with her in the house. I thouhgt that when she left , she would see what a good thing we had and how importanat our family was together that she would change her mind in a few weeks. As i said, she has changed her mind a few times but she has since bought a house.

Just my two cents.

Thanks nine...

I am not looking for either one of us to leave the house. I will do anything (and endure anything) to preserve the family. I am not pursuing her but she is very clear how I feel and I think she takes advantage of that very often. She also tries to protect my feelings but ends up hurting me more.

For instance, she said she was going out with her S, but I spoke to our bro-in-law and learned they are all going out.

She is very stubborn and admittedly not good at expressing her feelings. I am always positive and helpful no matter how much I am hurting inside. I can bury my mind in things to cope, tho.

I agree, I look for "brownie" points; she said something interesting to my therapist when asked, "Do you see the changes in H? How do they make you feel?" My W said, "I am happy for the kids because they finally have their father. I am a different story."

I wouldn't ask her to leave, and I wouldn't leave if she asked. My place is with my kids and wife.

I know what you are going through. I myself am going through many yo-yo feelings caused by my husband. He went to see a therapist so "he could better himself", which is good because he finally admitted he is a pathological liar. When he came home from his first counseling session he told me he loved me and we could not have sex while we are separated, i whole heartedly agreed.

The next day he sent me text messages of songs he was listening to as a way to express his feeling of what he is going through right now. Again that night he told me he loved me.

This whole time I have mindfully been giving him his space. I resist the urges to call him or text him, I even resist going into our old bedroom when he is in there (I have been sleeping in my daughter's room since our separation. I do all this because he says he needs to figure himself out. It is so hard for me to see him and not be with him.

Ok so the third night after therapy, I am still up it is 11:30 (But I can never sleep anymore, my mind is bombarded with thoughts, memories, regrets, things i wish I had done different)I am watching TV and he comes out and sits next to me on the couch. He seems upset and I try to comfort him, without being too overboard. He says he wants to have sex, I tell him we can't because his therapist said we shouldnt. He said please, and what can I say I was a push over.

The next morning I get a text while at work asking if I can talk. So I call him and he says I was feeling bad last night because I should have never married you. I was pressured by everyone. And i replied, you proposed to me, I never, ever mentioned marriage you did! He then went on to say "I want a paternity test for our daughter" My jaw dropped. He said my therapist suggested it and I think it's a good idea. I was so crushed.... I have never been with anyone but him. I just said "you honestly don't see yourself in her?" I couldnt continue the conversation. and I had to work feeling miserable.

Suffice to say he stayed distant that night...no i love yous no nothing.

The saddest thing was my daughter mentioned how daddy isnt part of "our family". She is 6 and I just asked why? And she said because you dont love him you dont spend time together anymore. I just said I do love him we are just spending some time apart.

I feel like an absolute yo-yo and I feel like it is always worst for the person who didnt initiate the divorce or separation. Because we are feeling so betrayed, hurt, sad, angry...and we are supposed to take all of these feelings and make ourselves better so our spouse will love us again....and there is a chance that you do all these things and they wont love you anymore and no matter how hard you try nothing matters. It is the worst rollerocaster of feelings i have ever dealt with. And he continues on with life as though everything is peachy keen.

And when he is pretending to hurt....well he just wants sex. next time I will know to say no.

I wish my W would do that, without the negative reaction afterwards! I know how you feel - I have been sleeping in a spare bedroom that the cat box is in, so it doesn't always smell like a daisy. We will communicate about just about anything, as long as it doesn't involve REAL emotions. She TXTs me and sends me pics of our kids, etc. But I have been following all the advice and not pursuing. My DB coach expressed how impressed she was by how well I manage tense situations. She also said to keep in perspective the fact that 3 months of emotional separation compared to 7-8 years of M is NOT a long time and to stand strong.

Our kids (both 2) are approaching the age when they will really start to notice that M and D never hug or kiss. They will start to ask questions or say things that will really hit home. I am so madly in love with my children that it hurts sometimes.

I desperately want our family back and I want to live as a happy, loving family. It's frustrating because we basically had that only 4 months ago and now it's been overshadowed.

I can be very patient. I know that the W must be feeling guilt for the way she's acting and giving me no credit for all the ways I have changed. I can only hope my actions make it through...

I'm in a very similar spot....it really sucks the big one

NO! We are supposed to make ourselves better so WE love OURSELVES again. Period. This is where most people are lost. We can not control whether or not our spouses love us again, but we can control how much we love ourselves and how well we take care of ourselves - how well we nourish our own souls.

Honestly, how attractive do any of you think it is to be so lacking in self esteem that you would take anything, endure anything just to have your spouse not leave you? Buck up. Love yourselves because you are worthy, treat yourselves well.

((((hugs to all))))

PEI

Your W feels no sexual attraction towards you. The Mother's Day event put pressure on her. You tried too hard and your true emotions showed through. In other words, she knew you were trying to make brownie points....and if you were honest, you had hoped that it would maybe even win you some affection. She "knows" this. You are not hiding it very well.

I don't know what it will take for her to feel attracted to you, but she doesn't feel it now.....and that is the main problem. If a woman feels that sexual attraction, she'll put up with an awful lot, but if she doesn't, then nothing you do will help the cause. NOTHING! You can clean house till the cows come home.....and all the other stuff you may be doing, but she's got to have that attraction before it works.

Sandi:
I know what you mean, and in many respects I agree with you. With the seemingly gigantic mountain in front of us there is no place for sexual attraction. I also agree that perhaps I overstepped on Mother's Day. She liked everything and I had fun doing it all for her. One of our issues has been her feeling that I had put myself before the family and esp. her. This was just a way to show her that I could be very thoughtful. But I know I laid it on rather thick.

Let me share my weekend with you. Friday night she goes out to dinner with her sis and bro-in-law. She tells me this and expects me to take care of the kids. She offers to get me help but I refuse it. One of the things we had talked about in therapy was her needing "space" and time to do things to make herself happy and get out of the baby trenches. I was hurt that she didn't include me, but I tempered that with 'at least she's going out and trying to have a good time.'

She was out for about 5 hours and I had no problem putting the kids to bed. Saturday night I had a school reunion to attend. The first thing I found interesting was that on Sat. morning she suggests going out to Cheesecake Factory for lunch with the kids. We don't take our twins (age 2) out to public restaurants much if at all. Was she feeling a bit guilty for not including me on Friday?

I left for my affair after helping feed the kids. I arrived at almost 9pm due to heavy traffic. At about 10:30pm I start getting txt messages from the W in a panic -- the boys aren't going down, they're crying hysterically, etc. I called around 11pm to see if she was OK and she couldn't talk because one son was sleeping next to her in her bed. So, I went on with my evening. Then I noticed the next day about 5 more txts in which she was asking me to come home and help (I was an hour away) and they kept waking up, and please come home. I was at a reunion with people I hadn't seen in almost 30 years and less than 2 hours into it I am being asked to come home.

Fortuately I missed those messages and I stayed at the party. She told me the next morning how difficult it was getting the kids down. I felt bad because her story sounded like a comedy sketch. It was insane. But what does she want from me? Emotionally she is distant and closed, but yet she's trying to drag me back home from a big event I was attending?? I would have been so resentful for leaving b/c I probably wouldn't even gotten a thank you.

I sent her a message for the second time in a week today asking her to visit a "neutral" MC with me. That was almost 2 hours ago. She didn't reply to the first one and she's doing the same again. She has me very confused and I can't figure out what she wants from me?

I've had many of the same experiences with my W. I've had to leave meetings, work, and other events because she can't put the kids to bed (there have been times, where it has been physically challanging for her). She will often times call me at the office and complain that she is too tired to deal with the kids, eventhough she has the energy to complain about me on Facebook, or to meet friends for a "meeting". We almost seldom go out together, except to her parents for lunch, with her family which she does not like to do.

Any way, I am not sure how to deal with the exclusionary feeling. I generally do like to out much, so putting the kids to be and hanigin at home is fine with me.

The mood swings are the hardest to deal with. One minute she is fine and wants us to work on things, and the next minute she is yelling and screaming and wants to withdraw, throws the kids out of the house (which means hanging out at her brother's and sister-in-law - who is extremely critical of my W.).

I know you are in a very lonely place and its hard, who do you turn to for help, how do you fix the problem. Is she well? Is she attacted to someone else? What did you do wrong? What about the children? These are things we need to figure out and think of all the time.

Good luck, take care, and take time with the kids (even when its hard).