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(((Any Chance))) I hope you're taking good care of yourself AC. Do you have any fun hobbies you can do while you're out of town? Reading? Hiking or sightseeing? Take some time and do something nice for yourself. That always helps my PMA. Take care. PG.

W called tonight. I am trying to drop the rope and be NC while I am out of town. Have not talked to her all week, but she tells me she is crying constantly about the end of our M. Does not really have anyone to talk to. Does not trust me, thinks I am lying to her, and is obsessed over the details of things that have gone wrong in our M. She is very resolute about starting the D when I get back.

I am conflicted, as per usual. I want to drop the rope and let her get a reality check. However, she is determined to move forward with the D, to the point of examining finances to see where she will end up, so I doubt seriously my NC will be effective. Not sure she even wants to be in touch with me. Says she ends up crying everytime we talk.

On the other hand, trying to be there for her and assist her in her darkest, most depressed days has not been working very well either.

I am just massively frustrated, and don't know what path to take. I want to continue to be NC, but have a little voice inside me telling me to send her a brief email giving her support during her deep depression.

Wish I understood this. I cannot know the future. But just cutting off all contact does not feel right either. Am I totally off base here?

Comments would be most appreciated, and I would like to thank all of you for all your help. Your advice has been much appreciated.

So although she wants it, it doesn't sound like it's what she needs at the moment.


You know what they say... when you know something isn't working very well, you HAVE to try something else.



Oh AC, think this through. Every single time you've reached out to her, you've gotten emotionally clobbered - either right then or a day or so later. Is that really in your best interest? Consider this, I know you've been regularly willing to let her pull you into her tumbles in the short term, with the idea that it is supporting her. However, what's going to happen in the long term if you continue this pattern? If she puts you through this pain every time you reach out to her, in the long term you'll end up so mistrustful, hurt and emotionally bruised that you won't be ABLE to reconnect with her, even if she comes out of her depression and realizes she's made an error in trying to end your M. And that won't be in EITHER of your best interests. I know that's not where you'll want to be.


I don't know AC, I know my frame of reference is distinctly different from yours at the moment... but I just can't see how continually subjecting yourself to her tumbles is going to get you to where you want to be in the long run. In fact, it could actually prevent it. Hopefully someone else chimes in with some comments who've been through the same sitch - perhaps they could offer you something more concrete. I wish I had something more to offer but just want to say hang in there. PG.

Here is the CORRECT way to handle this.

"WAW, you are right. I agree that we should start D proceedings asap. It will never work. I realize that you don't trust me and can never trust me again. I have now realized that I don't trust you either. This is for the best."

You are like so many on here who think that by stalling the divorce that somehow it will make the WS forget about it.
It actually works better to agree with the divorce. It is then interesting to see how THEY slow it down when you say you want to speed it up.

You are also not seeing the irony in this...

YOU didn't wake up until she wanted out. Don't you see that?
Doesn't this give you insight to what works on people? The more she says she wants out, the more you want it. Think about that. Your answer is in what she did. Do what she did. Tell her that it is YOU now that wants out and that YOU agree that there is no trust and it can't be recovered. THAT is your answer. Hanging in there with a person you say is depressed doesn't work. You are enabling. Stop enabling. Show her that you are NOT interested in being with a depressed person that says they want out. Do not reward her behavior. AGREE with her.
"yes, WS, you are right. I see that now. I think we need to move this forward asap. Let's get it done"


And then follow through on that.

Thanks for the advise, Gucci...your thoughts are most appreciated.

Aren't we talking about the ultimate LRT here? Seems quite plausable W would just agree and we would be done. Call me paranoid. Or stupid

It's a chance you take AC.

Going back to the day I put it to my H... me or her. He picked her, I slammed the door on him and that was that. A week later... he was back. It was a chance I had to take for my own sanity. And a reality check for him. I did it knowing full well, I could end up losing. I then kept him at bay for four more months, knowing he could flip flop and I could lose there too. It's a chance you take... you have to take control of this, because right now, her depression is controling both of you. You're enabling her at this point, I suspect.

*hug*
Abbey

I understand, Abbey. I think everything is going south. She has been talking to the OM on a daily basis since I left for three weeks. She doesn't want to talk to me, but wants to talk to him daily. And he is supposed to "just be a friend" when "I need a friend" and he is supposed to be getting back together with his W. BS.

I cannot ask for a D over the phone, so need to wait until we are back together.

She is burning me big time as she desperately tries to get out of her depression. And she does not even know what she is doing. How sad.

I think I am getting grumpy. SHE, SHE, SHE. What about YOU, YOU, YOU?

You spend a lot of time thinking about her when you should be trying to figure out where it is you are going.

She's not wasting many cycles on thinking about you right now, so you are going to have to do that yourself.

I AM in the process of doing things for myself. Trying to figure out my new position in life. As you are well aware, this is not an easy task.

I am trying to drop the rope. Am NC at this point. And I am sorry, but the fact that her main point of focus is the OM after several months of denying it is very difficult to take. Yes, I sound like a whining weak idiot, but such is really not the case.

I loved and trusted this woman for two decades. And now it is as I am nothing more than some sort of unwelcome scum that needs to be cut out. As if nothing we ever had meant anything. Yes, that has me pretty f'd up.

I don't even know how to hold a glimmer of hope. That is probably my problem. Should just F*** the whole deal, do the D and move on. Call it a two decade mistake.

Hi AC,
Just sending you my support. I think when we come here we're all grieving the loss of what we expected our marriages to be/become. I think a lot of us have to work through a lot of sad and disillusionment before we can take action sometimes. It's just part of the process and we all work through it in our own time. Frankly to me, it almost sounds like you're getting a little cranky yourself today. And you know that's not likely a bad thing! You even said 'BS'! In your whole thread I don't remember you swearing once. Did you know that? Maybe I've missed something... You know even in my little sitch, I don't think it was until I started getting angry that I started doing a couple of things that made my H sit up and take notice. Don't know if that helps, or if you feel fits in your sitch but just thought I'd share the thought. Anyways whatever stage you're at, whatever you're feeling we're all here for you and want the best for you. Hang in there. PG.