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Upside,

This was always YOUR choice, just as much as it was his all along thoughout the crisis.

Each person knows that he/she can and cannot deal with in the way of standing/waiting or not with/for the MLC'er.

Apparently, you'd already reached your limit with not just with your husband's behavior, but with the situation/crisis as a whole.

There were never any right or wrong answers in this, as each person is different in the going through of this journey.

As long as you've answered all the "what if" questions; you should be able to move forward without your husband.
From what you've posted, you've had enough.

This may trigger yet another grieving process within you for what might have been but did not happen.

With your husband still being currently still within the crisis, he is right, he still cannot make any kind of firm decision that will satisfy your needs at this time...yet, you felt a choice needed to be made.

Right or wrong that is your right to do what you think you need to do.


((((Upside))))

I wish you well in the future.

Being honest, as I've always been, I honestly have no personal experience with moving on without the MLC spouse; I just know it's one of the many possibilities that can happen within this crisis, and it does NOT mean the LBS failed.

You are absolutely correct, you are definitely a success for walking your own journey toward wholeness, finding yourself, solidifying your changes within YOU.

I do not know if your husband will ever see what he's lost in you..but eventually, I believe they ALL do see the losses they suffer, given some time.



Much love,
HB

No matter what happens, going foward....

The decision is yours.

You decide how you want to live and who you want to share that with.

Stay strong, you are in my prayers.

Hey Upside,

I know how hard you have struggled with all of this. It sounds like you can to a decision from a place of clarity not anger. I applaud you for that. Still, my heart goes out to you and the kids. How are they btw?

BEAR HUGS

Upside I don't know what to say other than I am sorry this isn't finishing the way you wanted. I can tell you though that your h is still in a crisis and until that crisis finishes he will not be coming home, so if you are done then you are done.

His loss. You have stood by your h and have given your marriage your all. It's a shame some of these WAS need to feel the loss before they can make a move home. So sorry, your h can't see that or can't move himself to want to change.

I think your h is in a deep depression and that is what keeps getting in the way. Until he deals with himself he will never be whole to be with you.

You might be done for now. Can you try not answering your h's calls, texts, emails and not be around for him before filing for D? He might just make that move in the near future that you are so looking for in him. Remember though he is not done with the crisis, so until he is done he really can't come home, if that makes any sense. It wouldn't work if he did come home too soon.

You are in a tough spot. Your h made so much progress too.

Hugs!

Thanks everyone. I know in my heart that nothing would change going on like it was. I am going through some grieving but all-in-all I am really okay. There are things I will miss but there are many things I won't. I loved the caring, kind and giving man my H once was...he is only that way now on his schedule using his rules. Asking him now to consider my feelings is like plunging a dagger in him.

At the beginning of the year when we had been NC for 6 weeks, he said he was ready to move home. Once he knew he was back in with me, he quickly back pedaled. If I wasn't seeing this firsthand, I wouldn't have believed someone could act this way and be so scared to move in any direction. The things that he says and does sometimes make no sense to anyone except him. He says...he loves me. He is happiest when he is with me and my kids. He isn't happy being alone. Money and material things don't bring him happiness. Work doesn't make him happy. He doesn't want to get involved with someone new. He wants to move back...but he can't! He says all of this and more yet he thinks the problem in our relationship is a mutual. Granted it may not be perfect but I know I am not the root of the problem. Maybe we are both insane...him, for just making no sense and me, for doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I do feel a strange sense of peace right now. I have never felt like this in the 3+ years since he walked out. Something has snapped. I don't really care where he is or what he is doing. I am not looking at my phone waiting for him to call or text. I have doubts that I would want him back even if he got his act together. I have not needed him for a very long time and now I really don't want him. I hope I can stay on this path.

OP-Thanks for the hug!

Andabelle and DiamondGirl-Thanks. I agree it is his loss!

trapt-My H is ithe epitomy of stuck. To a degree, I have been stuck too waiting and now I am wondering why. I feel like this situation has only been holding me back from really working on myself and growing. Now I want to really focus on me. Thanks for your kind words.

HB-Thank you for being so supportive...I hope I didn't let you down. I know I have always had a choice, I was never really ready to end it before now. It was time to make a choice and obviously he wasn't ready to make one. I just couldn't take one more night of excuses or blaming someone else. I deserve someone who looks forward to being with me and is willing to make an effort more often than whenever he feels like it. I deserve someone who make me feel special, not uncomfortable that I might say or do the wrong thing. I deserve someone wants to make me happy. And someday, I want to find someone who deserves all these things in return. At this point, I don't care if my H ever feels the loss. This isn't about him anymore...maybe it is time for my MLC.

Grace-I am clear but I wish I could say that I have no regrets or anger...I do but it is more with myself. I gave my H too many chances...so many that he told me the other night that I have cried wolf too many times. Funny huh! How many times has he cried wolf either coming or going?...he can never look in the mirror. Anyway, my kids are fine and too busy dealing with their own stuff to get too involved with me and my H. I guess that is a good thing. Thanks for asking. How are you and your girls?

glam-I know my H is still in crisis but I don't believe he will finish it as long as I'm in the picture. He can just continue on with his selfish ways and not be accoutable if I put up with it. I don't have to...I am no longer afraid of divorce. It was never what I wanted but I really am not sure I would want him back now. I can't take anymore of his selfishness. My H is supposably filing the paperwork on Friday. Right now, it is what I want. I guess the progress he had made just wasn't enough for me. What is going on with you? Hope you are doing well. Let me know when you are coming to CA, we will meet up.

(((Upside)))) - you have to do what is best for you at this point. You have fought a very long fight, and only you can know when it is time to move on----and if you are ready, do it for YOU.

The way I see it is this: We each choose what is best for us at whatever time we choose it, and it has nothing to do with letting someone down..no one lives our lives but US.

You still have support from me, regardless of what you do; I cannot judge that you did right or wrong, as there are no right or wrong answers in this.

With that said, I have walked in your shoes; not the same exact type of situation(as NO ONE's situation is ever the same), but watched the SAME types of things happen with my husband at one time.

The selfishness, the same coming and going without telling me where he was most of the time, telling me one thing, doing another.
It looked, at one point, like what he'd said about recommitting to our marriage, had been just words...but he wasn't finished, and wouldn't be until HE decided he was.

I kept remembering that I could not control him, I could only change myself and my reactions.
If things went too far, I said something about it, we had some fights about more than a few things.

I'd known, when he recommitted to the marriage, the time of walking on eggshells was done as he navigated through Acceptance.

Some things I stayed quiet about, yet, on others I made a stand, setting boundaries about behavior, and watched him back down..these were the times when I led him gently but firmly through, when I was supposed to..and only I knew when it was time.
Most of time, though, I just let go, let God, and went on with my life...more or less leaving him behind...he caught up with me, but it still took TIME.

I swallowed a GREAT DEAL OF CRAP, that was contained within a HUGE spoon, often wondering when my husband was going to grow up.
Even though he recommitted to our marriage when he broke Withdrawal, this was STILL all about him he STILL acted out, I was SO angry at times, this was SO hard on me.

I nearly gave it all up at one point..but I found the strength to hold on, because I could NOT answer ALL the "what if" questions....and because, deep within my heart, I LOVED him.

I knew the strength I somehow continued to have, was coming from within a deep well; having been gained from so many things I've seen in my life. I also came to understand this continuing was all a part of the crisis...and sometime, if I never gave up hope; it would end.

Yes, that's me, the eternal optimist.

It had started toward that end when he exited the tunnel in 2002, three years after his crisis started.

All the major decisions had been made, the battles had been faced and won; and he was still in the process of becoming the man he was supposed to be.

Then, it felt like the proverbial rug got jerked from under me.

In late 2004, as he was still processing, all of a sudden, I observed him sliding backwards, personality changes reversed themselves, and a 7 year old child I've written about surfaced.

By that time, I was so far into the Change of life/Menopause/Transition,(I started through in late 2002, finished in 2008), I missed it all in the beginning...it wasn't until I came out of the change SIX years later that I began to see more clearly that something was seriously wrong.

Our lifestyle is a unique one, we are both truck drivers, and are separated for long periods of time...that may have been key in this, as well, but I could not say for sure.

He didn't start to "straighten out" until he broke his ankle back in February....As of now, it seems he has picked up where he left off in late 2004, and the process seems to be accelerating as each day passes...he is in the process of becoming the man he was supposed to become all that time ago.

The signs are becoming VERY clear; he is focused on me in a way I haven't seen in years, wants to be sure I have all I need, is speaking differently with me, making me feel special; this is NOT the man I knew before the crisis, NOR is it the man I've known in the last six years....it floored me when it first began; as it's come rather unexpectedly.

I'm still adjusting to these positive changes as I continue to write at this time.

There has been some things he's said that hasn't made much sense, but my intuition tells me to let these things go, as it's part of this processing, and in time, he will come to me again to talk of what's happened...and I will document that on my thread when it does.

I'd been waiting a very long time for this to come about..and didn't know if it would EVER happen.

Hope and expectations are two totally different stories, I kept my hope, while my expectations have been nonexistent.

There were SO many times in this, that I came close to calling it quits, asking him to leave..but each time something would happen to cause things to go forward in a positive way, and I'd decide to hang on a little longer.

I often felt like a donkey with a carrot on a stick, following the elusive carrot that I could never seem to get to.

I've often wondered if people saw my coming back as a "failure"..but I see now that it wasn't.

Life is what it is, and we deal however we need to deal with it.

Everything happens for a reason...I've always believed that, will always hold that same belief.

It has been a little over 11 years since he started through his MLC in 1999.

In that time, I let go, lived my life, didn't put it on hold...the door stayed open, but I never really watched it.

I couldn't, as I had NO control over this, still don't and never will...and I had to ACCEPT that, or walk.

Time didn't stand still for me...I knew he'd either come on, or walk away...I had decided that I'd see where this went, keep my faith, and let the Lord have it all...and that was hard to do.

I also, during my transition, faced the SAME decision about whether I wanted to stay married or walk away.

I chose to stay within the marriage, not because of weakness, but because I knew I still loved him, and would still be there for him....he had chosen to stay with me, and I remembered that, while so deep within the tunnel myself.

I honestly KNOW I didn't cause this, nor did I really have anything to learn from the developments afterward; I DID, however have the opportunity to exercise what I had learned in the way of the changes I had made, and from the journey I had taken within myself.

The point being, it takes a LONG time to get out of this crisis, and even then, the result may NOT be what the LBS wants...the change really DOES do what it says....CHANGE the one going through for the rest of their lives.

You might like what comes out, and you may not...each person is different in their assessments of what is acceptable.

I have also found, as time has marched right on, that the majority of the lessons I have continued to learn have been learned WITHIN my marriage, but I still know I could have survived IF the marriage had NOT made it through.

One last thing I came to understand; if I'd run/walked away, what I had NOT learned, WOULD have been recycled with another, IF there'd be another.
I'd determined that IF I chose to walk, there would NOT be another...yet, somehow, I feel I would STILL have been presented another opportunity to learn what I'd missed IF I'd missed anything.

It was worth EVERYTHING I endured/went through to get to the place I'm in now..and I see that more clearly now than ever.

Yet, the learning won't stop; it will continue until the day I leave this world.

This is where I have come to in present day, and I don't have a regret in the world about the decisions I made.

I do not tell the above to make you feel guilty, not at all. I'm telling this to illustrate that I do understand where you are coming from...yet, I did not choose to walk away; and that was MY choice.

I completely understand the decision you've made, and why you made it, having been there myself.

Reading what you've written further confirmed something I wrote/said back in 2002 and in present day.

There IS a possibility of a time when the LBS has had enough, and the damage is TOO much, there's no going back, and they can/will move toward a place where they no longer want the MLC'er.
In that process, IF the MLC'er "wakes" up and tries to come back and cannot, because of the LBS moving on, no longer wanting them, he/she will go through the SAME thing they've put the LBS through...we can only hope if that happens, the lessons will finally be learned by the MLC'er.

I'm closing with a piece of advice:

Always remember that when you take action to close a door, make SURE you can live with the consequences of that action.

Once you commit to a course of action, you cannot go back on it, if you change your mind, UNLESS the person you've closed the door on is willing to come back to try again.


Again, as I have written over and over throughout, each person is different, each crisis is different...each individual KNOWS what he/she can and cannot tolerate.

The strengths and weaknesses in each are different..what works for one, may NOT work for another.

I wish you all the best in the future; may God continue to light your path and bless you with everything you could ever wish and hope for.

You're going to be fine, no matter what happens.

Much love,
HB

Upside

so many twists and turns
you have done so well and you have grown so much
I guess its letting life happen with no control
seeing where we get led
and everything falls into place if we believe
and follow our hearts
you gave it a good fight
it may not be over but you will kbnow
and you can trust yourself
peace

HB great post. It helps those of us who stood so very long to have another perspective. It is truly so hard to keep waiting and waiting and waiting for them to wake up before you feel inside that you just don't want to do it any longer.

Upside you have been so amazing through this trial. Don't think for a moment you failed anyone. If you truly think about it the major majority of this world would have given your h the boot so long long ago. It takes someone of great character to stand and keep standing for so long.

I understand how you just shake your head, don't get it and then eventually say enough is enough. That decision too is not an easy one to make.

Did your h file today? I am wondering if he will take that next step or just sit and wait and see what happens.

Hugs!

HB,
It is amazing to me on how much you know. I have been reading most of your posts and I continue to be blown away with your knowledge.
My wife is bouncing all over the different stages now and we have two months before the divorce court day. I find that during her period is always the worst and the most unstable. She is suffering the onset of menopause at the age of 42. All the crazy things she says just boggle the mind. She looked at me while shopping this weekend and said "If you ever did this to me I would HATE you"!
She has said she loves me but the kids,(We have 3 boys) are why
she just wants to run. That was right before we went to the psychologist for our first joint session. Logic or Reason plays no part in the mind of my wife. I have heard from people she works with that she is not the same. She is unable to hide her behavior at work all the time. She is so exhausted that I can tell it is affecting her ability to function. She keeps saying
"I wish I knew how to fix this" but then slips back into "I am
going to go through with this" mode. We were the tightest couple
of anyone I have known over my lifetime before this. I am DBing
and seeing all the positives of doing that but she keeps feeling
and saying that I don't believe that you can change or will stay
changed. I don't trust you is what I hear. As if I am supposed to
be able to trust her since she had the EA. My psychologist says
I am doing the right things and recognizes MLC. His wife actually
went through a horrible MLC and that's how I know I have the right Doc. I was sent to this Doc by divine intervention from above because of the way I can armchair quarterback this by looking back at the path we are on. I have thoughts of this continuing on after the divorce (should that happen) This has
been a nightmare beyond what a nightmare could be. I can see that
since she trusts the psychologist that things are moving faster than most of the posts I read. We still sleep in the same bed (naked of course, same as the last 20 years of marriage) and
I give her backrubs almost daily when she awakes. That is the
time of day when she is able to connect better with me than any
other point of the day. When I have given the backrubs, I almost
always get a little info from her on where her head is at. It almost seems like the logical/reasoning side of her is available
for that short period of the day. I know she is suffering in the withdrawl depression stages but hints of the acceptance stage are beginning to appear. Although I have grown weary, your posts
help me get through some of that. We were the only couple in the
"How divorce affects children" class this weekend that was holding
hands through 75 percent of the 4 hour class. She told me that
"We don't belong here" making reference to the fact that all of these going to be divorces in the room were not like us at all.
She just sent me a text just now with the following "I know this weekend was rough... I truly am seeing all that you are doing. One new feeling I had this AM is a hope that U don't give up just yet on me". So I just replied " You know me better than that" And she just replied "Thank U". Now I go dim and let her on her way through the day. She has told me her mind is constantly running 100 miles an hour and she can't shut it off as
recent as one week ago. I have tracked the beginnings of this MLC
at the very least back to last year at this time when things were
going a little differently between us. I was too numb with work and taking care of our boys to realize what was happening. I figured all families with 3 boys like ours have a hectic time throughout various stages in their lives. I also shared that with her many times but it appears this MLC was going to happen no matter what anyone said. It was a timebomb inside my wife that
I never imagined would exist. Please keep posting. Your words are
so unbelievable to me that I can only tell you that you are being
one of God's servants to help so many of us out here that are suffering. I don't believe in coincidences anymore and I have
recognized the path that God has put me on. There has just been
way too many instances through this where God is clearly speaking to me along the way. I continue to pray to Him and he continues to show me more and more along the way. It is still more difficult than I could ever imagine but I can see why God
has chosen me to go through this whole thing. I see no alternative but to give back to others while going through this and also after this as well.