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3.8 isn't perfect, is it?
Geronimo, you're a guy, we always want to fix things, we think it's our purpose in life..."dear, you have a problem, I can fix that for you!" Whenever you talked with you're wife you probably had all sorts of suggestions for her and, if you were smart, kept them to yourself! Well, from reading your post, I'm guessing not! Hey, my buddy just had a five hour "listening" session with his wife ...they're going for marriage counselling soon. His point being that whenever they talk it's for her to tell him everything that's wrong with him and that's supposed to open up communication somehow. I can't wait to hear how the MC'ing goes.
OK, enough of my pointless babbling. G, you're going through a terrible time, one where you feel everything is out of control. You want control, you want to feel that you're getting a handle on things. It's hard to do. It may be one of the hardest things in life to recognize that when things are out of control there's often not much you can do but fasten your seatbelt and go for the ride. What happened in the past happened. You made mistakes and she made mistakes, you're both human. But, you did the best with what you had. Now, in hindsight, you have more information and might have done it differently but so what! It's a pointless exercise.Look at getting through each day by finding one thing you like about yourself or what you've accomplished in the day. It's a start.
I hope something in my mish mash of a post was helpful.

Another thing I read in your post is that had you not done this or that then things would have been OK.

It sounds like you were a pretty good husband ... and it still didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up over this. This is her doing.

Now, if you are learning from past mistakes so you don't make them in the future then that's good.

But don't blame yourself. You did not want this. She did and she'll come up with any reason to justify it.

Yes. I would imagine XW would agree. I'm getting it.

I imagine XW would agree with that too.

Yeah. She saw I was becoming more and more miserable with work. She has said that it is hard to love somebody so much and watch them do that to themselves.

I know we have to look at this in discrete elements to understand it, but it makes it sound like this was the only thing going on, and of course it wasn't. But I think this is an important thing for me to understand.

Somehow, there was a dynamic in recent years where the job would suck me dry, and she would try to fill me back up. She also got really angry with cub scouts, when I was the den leader, as she saw it as another demand on me.

Yes, I've started to think about that - what I want in a partner. And also, what I want from myself. I think I've got some dealing to do that has little to do with my marriage.

Yeah Kat, thank you - I think you're getting some of XW's perspective.

Yes. Pointless dwelling is pointless dwelling. But I think I need to understand this. Partly because I think it's high time I understand what's important to me. I think I've been motivated by fear. And I need to change that I think. Not only for myself, but so that I don't contribute to the erosion of other relationships - specifically my boys. But yes, your post is helpful in that you're right - I need to focus on the things that satisfy me, the things to feel good about, not the failures that I've avoided.


You know, I was a good husband. XW has said over and over again that she can go on and on regarding the good traits about me, that she likes me as a person, even that she still loves me. And it didn't work out, that's right.

I'm not sure I'm beating myself up or blaming myself - although I do have a tendency to do that, so I'll take it - but this is more that, I realized that I had that stress response this week, that I don't have her there anymore, and that there is something here that I need to fix. I need to learn to manage this. Instead, I think I was to some degree using XW as a remedy. So - there's something of value to be learned here about me and my life in general I think. And if that makes me better in any future relationship, even better.

And I guess... God - as angry as I've been, it doesn't feel right to blame her either. Yeah, she made her choices. And I think my anger was justified. But I feel like I really need to be done with that now. I could hate her, but sheesh, talk about something else sucking out my energy. I don't want to. I don't think I'm at forgiveness yet, but I feel like maybe I'm backing away from bitterness.

I do miss her. Saw her tonight, we went to a school play tonight. It was hard; I guess it was clear, she asked me if I was OK, that I was holding my head. Oh well. Yeah, we ran into that couple again, where the wife wouldn't even look at me, and the husband showed enthusaism to see me. Weird. Makes me wonder what XW had said to her.

Anyway, fending off the sadness today. And again, there's nothing for it. Looking forward to the next "up" swing.

Thanks guys for the responses - this is helpful to talk it out.

Oh and in other news, messed around with a W4 calculator today, and it would appear that, taking into accout the amount I'm going to pay in spousal support this year, I've already payed a lot of the needed taxes for the year. I submitted another W4 (3rd time this pay period), hopefully can minimize the witholding and get a handle on the monthly cashflow.

Everyone told me I could make this work out. Maybe I really do worry too much.

I just want you to figure out what it will take to make you happy. The rule I follow(and I know that there are exceptions): Jobs come and go but the people that are dear to you are well worth holding on to. Whenever in doubt, remember what really matters. Your job only demands more, your family, they love you just the way you are.

kat

You know, I told a friend months ago, when she asked what I wanted: "Better relationships"

Yeah I get it.

Funny, I told XW at some point that I finally realized, my job would never love me back.

Hey all -

Haven't typed much the last few days, actually is starting to feel like I'm running out of things to say. Yeah, I was in a funk this past week, but it wasn't that bad, just part of the norm, didn't really dip into the bad place. Still see XW in the weekday mornings and nights, and that pull to want to hug or attempt to connect is weaker than it has been. Did the self-analysis thing the first part of the week and feels like I'm done with it.

I don't know, seems like I'm slipping into an acceptance of this as normal. I can tell you that I miss XW being here with me, but it's not as strong, I can accept it. That desperate need to talk to friends non-stop is ebbing, just starting to feel like, I don't need the comfort right now.

I don't know, has anyone felt a reluctance to finally admit "I feel OK" because it's like - giving in, dismissing the significance of what's passed? I in no way believe I'm done with all this yet, but I'm OK. Not great, but things seem stable.

Spending the weekend with my boys, one of them wanted to do gardening stuff today, so we did that. It was a beautiful day.

I think my biggest complaint right now is that I feel lonely. In enjoying my backyard the last couple of days, it still occurs to me that we bought this house to be together, the stuff we did in the back as part of our life together, and now it's just mine - it makes me sad, but it doesn't hurt like it did.

It was weird to me today, one of the boys wanted to stay home when we were heading out, and I made the comment that "we're doing this as a family." One of them said "then why isn't mom coming?" And it occured to me, that I hadn't even thought of that. Before, the thought would have been there in my mind haunting me before he'd said it; today I wasn't really even missing her.

Anyway, when the boys go to bed and I'm up alone, I do feel lonely, but it's not horrible.

XW will have the boys next week. They're out of school, and she's taking a week off. Which, I'm taking a week in June and in August, and taking them to see family, I guess that's how it's going to be. It occurs to me that, through this whole thing, I haven't gone more than a couple of days without seeing them. Next week is going to be different.

So anyway. Sometimes it feels like the days pass, without any real significance to them. Whereas, when there was a spouse in the house, that made it significant, I was sharing that time with someone. I need to change that thinking.

Also, I tend to wonder if I miss the relationship I thought I had, vs. the relationship I really had. Today was nice; seems like there was some subtle angst that was always a matter of course of doing things with XW, always something wrong...

Anyway. I guess that's it for now. Hope you're all having a good weekend -

Eckhart Tolles wrote a book "The Power of Now," which had a chapter on relationships. He said a lot of people are addicted to being in a relationship and not really in love with their spouses.

Do you miss having someone there to share things with or do you specifically miss your ex?

The boys? My girls are handling things differently. D7 has this belief that we'll get back together. D11 is trying to fix me up.

You have a way of putting a lot of things in words that I often think about. Like this:



and



and finally this...





Yep, I feel the same way...it's like I don't want to accept it completely or else I'll be walking away from such a significant part of my life. It's hard to see it gone forever like this.

You know, I read that book a number of years ago, but not sure how much I've retained at this point - I remember the whole "I'm sick of myself" thing, which conjures up a vague Matthew Sweet association.

Bill W. called me on this awhile back, coloring things in the way that a WAS might. And I've had that thought recently, I married the wrong woman, etc., etc., and a friend recently called BS on me. Anyway, yes, I've actually considered that - is it that I just don't want to be alone, or is that that I miss XW? You know, I've found that just about everything that I've decided was "true" on a certain day, didn't seem so true the next day - the way you feel about this is very complicated, and keeps folding in on itself - it's like trying to make sense out of a kaleidoscope. So the best, most true response I can give, CTH, is "yes".

I'm not sure how my boys would respond to the thought of either one of us being with someone else now. Every so often they make comments or questions indicating a hope for us to reunite. Haven't for a few weeks at this point.

SR - yeah, when it comes down to it nobody understands like someone who has been or is going through it.

OK, not a lot of action on this end today. I did talk briefly to XW today to ask something about the boys, she started telling me about some things she's doing for her business, then said "it's strange to talk to you again." Hm, OK. I gave her some help in using Powerpoint. Yeah, I remember telling her months ago, "I don't want to not miss you." Talking to her today, emotionally it could have been anybody. I know in recent weeks, I've had that feeling of, if I just linger for a moment, something will change - I'll see some crack, some shift - it wasn't a well-defined desire, but I know that I had a deep-rooted wish to connect or even - and this isn't quite right but close - see something like hope. But today, I didn't feel that.

Not sure what's going on the last couple of days. Is this the start of that "indifference" I've heard so much about? Certainly it's too soon. I don't trust it. Well, everything comes and goes in waves, doesn't it? (That's actually a song title by a guy named Greg Laswell. Nice song to listen to BTW if you're feeling down, and kind of fitting for all of us, but I digress.)

OK, well. Another night alone with the kids in bed. Yea. Laundry is going. Kitchen and floors are clean. Kind of a slow weekend as one of the boys has been sick. Will be alone Tues to Sun of this coming week.

Ah. Signing off, guys. Have a good Memorial Day.