My husband just left me this afternoon. We got into a fight and he said that he can't do it anymore. He said he doesn't hate me and that he loves me but he is not in love with me (same as what he has said before). Except that this time he is actually leaving.
I am alone and confused. I have called a close friend and she is going to come over tonight but I'm not ready to speak with anyone else.
Where do I go from here? He said there is not chance of reconciling and that I should move on. I, of couse, deep down think he has made a mistake and might change.
What do I do? How do I handle this? I am going out of my mind and don't know what to do.
I guess another question is weddings, etc that we were planning to go to and have already RSVP'd. Do I just leave that to him or should I do all this stuff?
I want to do the "right thing" even though I am angry.
What do I do? How do I handle this? I am going out of my mind and don't know what to do.
What you are experiencing is totally normal. Yep, it's normal to feel crazy sometimes. The good news is it gets better.
In a later post you ask about NC. NC is more about you healing than anything else (that and pursuing behavior has the opposite consequence of what you are trying to acheive: it just drives people further away if they have already comitted to leaving).
You'll hear the terms NC and GAL mentioned here a lot, but they are about making yourself well again so that you can stop obsessing so much and trying to fix things (which again is totally normal behavior).
The pain and desperation you are feeling right now show up on a brain scan like actual physical pain coupled with obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't know. Maybe it's nature's way of making us want healthier relationships?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Am I just supposed to go on like nothing happened? Am I supposed to be the one to intiate changing of bank accounts, etc? Since he is the one that wants this and not me am I supposed to intiate that stuff or let him do that and then just go along?
Thank you for your help and advice so far. This forum is one of the only things that is keeping me going right now and I really need all the support I can get as I'm almost non-fuctioning.
I'm pretty sure he is gone for good. He has threatened in the past but yesterday he was emotionless when he told me that he did not love me. He said he has not loved me for a long time and its something he has been struggling with. He said that I need to move on and that we will never get back together.
Sadly (I think I'm in denial), I still have hope that maybe in a few months he will change his mind. He is throwing 10 years away. 10 years!
It is absolutely confusing to me (as I've said in previous posts). Tuesday was my birthday and he wrote me a beautiful card about how "proud he was to be able to call me his wife, love and friend" and then today he is leaving me. I just don't feel like he has lost all emotional feeling for me. We have been getting along well with occassional arguements. It's almost like he is unable to deal with any conflict and runs away when that happens.
I am going to try to set up a session with one of the DB coaches.
Here is what I need help with right now, these might seem silly but I need help: -We had planned to have a memorial day BBQ next Monday, which he has already said is not going to happen (obviously). I was the one that sent out the original "evite". Do I cancel it or wait for him to do that? -We had RSVP'd do a wedding on June 12 (obviously before this happened). Do I go alone and tell him I'm doing so? Do I tell the bride and groom we are seperated? I'm not really sure how to approach this and don't want to contact spouse about this unless absolutely necessary. -We have a 10 year class reunion coming up next month(spouse and I helped planned together with two other friends). Do I still help with planning (even though I will have to be in meeting with spouse) or back out? Do I still go to reunion even though spouse will be there and people will not know we are seperated and will ask about us and I would have to tell them. -We also have a wedding in September in Chicago that we already purchased hotel and airplane tickets. This is farther out so I'm not as concerned but same scenario. I was so excited to visit Chicago but I dont know if it's "wrong" to still go. -I am not planning to contact spouse at all (phone, email, text). If he contacts me do I answer call or emails? What if he wants to come and get stuff - how do I act? What do I say? -What about health insurance, changing locks? Do I go ahead and take him off my health insurance now and change locks or do I wait for him to bring these things up?
I want to make our marriage work. I truly do with all my heart and I want to take steps to be the best me I can be. I understand the importance of GAL but yesterday I said "I don't even know how I'm supposed to act, do we never talk to each other again" and he said "we are going to have to talk a lot because there is a lot to work out" (he meant in terms of divorce/sepeartion, not working on our marraige). I want to make those interactions count which is why I'm asking the questions above.
Sorry you are here. Unfortunately, this happens a lot, and you are not alone. As to what to do with all those upcoming events. Keep in mind that you are still the same people, you just aren't living together. There is no reason to not have a social life. Neither of you died; you just separated. So, if you want to have people over for a barbecue next weekend, do it without him. Can you call a male friend and ask him to handle to BBQ part while you do all the other food? That would be a good way to show the world that you are not reeling from this, you are getting a life and moving on. And if you don't want to entertain next weekend, then send a un-evite to the people and say that things have changed, and you won't be hosting a BBQ next weekend, sorry.
Wow Anned, that is a long list to tackle right off the bat! I am so sorry! I definitely recommend only dealing with one issue at a time. I am a scheduler/planner by nature, so I can imagine how it must feel to have so many events coming up.
If you do go to the wedding solo, I don't know why you would need to call H first to tell him what you are doing.
Good luck with your coaching session, let us know what your coach suggests.
