Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I need help again, 5 years later,,,

History: M44, W43, D14, D8, M 15 years. Separated and reconciled 5 years ago with a great deal of credit to DR and these boards.
Current sitch: W started talking about not being together about 3 weeks ago, I did not put things together, she said she couldn’t be intimate 2 weeks ago and was not reciprocating my ‘I love you’s’ and straining even to kiss me goodbye. It felt just like it did 5 years ago right before her ILYBINILWY(which she has not said yet(knock on wood)), so I had to check cell log, sure enough, there was a ton of TM and calls to the same number, and it was the number of an EA from 5 years ago, and has been building since second week in march when the first TM hit her phone. I told her, ‘when you’re in contact with OM, I feel it is damaging to our family, and I would like you to not contact him anymore’. Oops. Five minutes of silence and ‘I THINK I want a D’, then 15 minutes later she said she needs space to figure things out and that she is tired of being miserable. She also has spent the night away from home 3 of last 6 nights including the last 2, and I got confirmation that she was at OM place.
Five yrs ago I never exposed the EA’s(2) she had, they fizzled and my DBing got her back. So I don’t think I want to expose it now, because her knee jerk reaction contains the D word.
Some expected causes? W suffers from pretty heavy depression, and our finance’s have been mauled by the recession, turning me into a penny-pinching grouch(180’ing that). I’m doing 180’s, and trying to GAL(not a lot of time has passed), but she seems to be on high-speed. How do I slow her end down? OM lives over 1 hour away, and our 2 D’s lives are firmly planted in our community, so it’s not a convenient EA/PA. I’m thinking I need to back way off and give her massive space around our community.
I need some help, any and all advice is very welcome.

I disagree. You need to BUST THE AFFAIR, exposing it aggressively, and let her know this is the LAST get-out-of-jail-free card she gets.

There's no need for your "Oops," Optimust. You were COMPLETELY within your rights to state your boundary, and in fact I thought you were even way too wishy-washy about it.

Right now, she knows if she throws the "D-word" out there at you, you'll back off. You must have taught her that. Time to go "Robx" on her, and say "You know what -- I agree. I think it would be best that we divorce. I value myself too much to put up with this kind of crap behavior again."

Puppy

So if I were to entertain the idea of exposure, who would I expose it to? The OM is single, and works for a large medical company, in a pretty low position, not sure who I could tell on his end that would make a difference. He does have family in a small town an hour the other direction from me, but not sure how to get the e-mail addresses. My bro knows but couldn’t put much pressure on her, one friend knows that would help a little, I’m concerned the in-laws would be more than she would be able to take and take me back? Her boss is a very good friend of our family, maybe?

I'd expose to her family. Do you think they'd be supportive of the marriage?

Puppy

Her family consists of her Dad and step mom that live 45 minutes away, and her brother on the east coast. They would be supportive of the family.
So I’m trying to wrap my mind around how this would work. I tell the in-laws(local one’s anyway) and then I hit her with it, that I know? Then let her know my boundaries, and the consequences (not sure what this would be)? And when she asks how I know, what do I say? She will want proof? And do I show proof to the in-laws?
What about him? Do I contact him, or anyone he knows?
I am very concerned on this course of action, she has depression and this could bring all kinds of bad things to happen.

Optimust ~

I am sorry to see you back here and wish you well on this journey the second time around...



Should read more like - "If you are going to continue to carry on with OM in our house, there is the door...I will not share my W with any other man and if you can't respect it - See ya."

IMO

(((Hugs)))

Pup, I know that you and Robx support exposure, and I am just wondering where this comes from? Is it part of DR? Is it because a woman is the one cheating?

I ask because I did expose my exH, to his parents (who still have an apt in my house, living with me), and the OW's spouse. I look back and think it might just have doomed any chance of reconciliation - his ego would never allow it. Instead, he painted me as a monster, he was a victim of abuse, and it "had to happen the way it did." It is one theory that he felt painted into a corner and had no other way to save face (ideas independently shared with me by his sibs, who I have known for 20+ years).
He bought a house with her a few months after our D was final (her's wasn't but was in the works) and has lived with her here in town since 10/08. He has little to no contact with his parents - they were witness to all of it, and say they will never accept her (very sad). The rest of his family has accepted it and has gone to his house for parties, invited the two of them and her kids out, etc.

Isn't it Michelle's advice to act as if, treat any affair as a symptom of issues within the marriage, and try to attract your spouse back?
Not trying to play devil's advocate here - honestly curious...

Donna,

From what worked in my own situation, from what I've observed work on this forum over the past several years, but mostly from the best infidelity experts out there -- Harley, Glass, Tupy, McGraw, others.



Of course not; this approach is effective regardless of the sex of the cheater. Why do you ask that??

Puppy

What do you think would happen?

Optimust, until you're ready to operate from a basis of "What stands the best chance of WORKING? What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO, based on the situation; what would God Himself have me do if He were standing right here in front of me?"

instead of,

"What will make her angry? How will that make ME feel?" etc.

. . . then you're not even ready to consider exposure.

When you're ready, you'll know, and we can walk you thru the steps over on the Infidelity forum.

Puppy

btw, Donna, it's VERY much "script" for a cheater to blame their spouse's exposure of their affair as the "straw that broke the marriage's back" to friends and family. "Well, I WAS going to consider getting back with Donna, but now she's blown ANY CHANCE of that happening!" sort of thing.

You will never know for sure, but I highly doubt that your exposing their affair prevented your husband from being willing to reconcile with you. That's just a deflection.

Puppy