No, I don't mind. Good stuff, and you're doing great. Keep doing what works. Some in your sitch would have to be very, very patient to see results, but you are seeing baby steps already so keep it up!
You are so fortunate to have your D and grandkids close by! Indian folks tend to live close together and have very tight knit extended families and it's so good for the kids and the elders. I often wonder how other people can live any other way! I live within a mile of my folks, two sets of aunts and uncles, numerous cousins, sister & her kids. Of those that aren't nearby, most are no more than 20 minutes away.
It's especially nice to have the kids around on the holidays, isn't it?
Well, I guess it's time for me to start thinking about a new thread pretty soon.
Wolfie has been acting a bit odd lately. Thursday night he got all grumped out about the day of errands, Christmas shopping, crowds, malls not having what he was looking for. He grumped around the house and went on and on about how we should move to New York. ( )
I had to make a real effort not to get into a mode of thinking: "oh yeah, great--he's getting that dissatisfied with our lives--restless and having one foot out the door thing again--danger, danger--oh no, here we go AGAIN"!
I just teased him a little & said there was just as many things to get grumpy about in New York and that when I felt all negative and dissatisfied with my life it helps to remember all that I have to be grateful for.
Yesterday, he went out to do more errands and shopping. I think I have describe the whole thing he does about calling to tell me where he's going when he's out doing stuff. I have told him repeatedly that I do not expect or need him to do that, but he says it is his way of earning trust back and making amends. Usually tell me where he's going to go, and then call from the store and say, "I'm at such and such place, do you need anything? I'm heading home after this".
Yesterday, though he called me at work 4 times. It was almost like he was making up excuses to call. I mean, I appreciate him calling--but does he really feel he needs to call and say, "I'm shopping at Target and then I'm going to Hollywood Video"???
At the risk of having Delusions of Mental Telepathy...it seemed like there was some tone of fear or insecurity in his voice when he was calling.
After work I went out shopping. He called me from his work 3 times while I was shopping--just asking where I was. I could hear fear in his voice again and couldn't figure out why.
On my way home, he called the house to see if I was home yet, then called my cell to see where I was AND asked me to call him back at work to let me know when I'd gotten home.
Now I know that sometimes he worries about me when I'm on the road, but nowhere to extent that would explain all of these phone calls and the insecurity I was hearing in his voice! It was....well--it was WEIRD!
So this morning he comes home from work, initiates ML. I was going to get up afterwards and get started with my day, but he insisted that I stay in bed and sleep with him for awhile. Again--this was unusual. He had me in such a bearhug in his sleep that I had to pry his arms off of me so I could get up and go to the bathroom.
At the risk of sounding like I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth--I'm kindof wondering what is up with him. Anybody have any thoughts about this behavior?
by no means am i an expert, but maybe, just maybe, he is having feelings of insecurity - maybe he is feeling finally for REAL what it felt like for the shoe to be on the other foot
maybe he has extreme empathy for you right now, who knows where it came from, but maybe it all of a sudden hit him and he realizes what he just about let go, and he really can't handle those feelings
i don't know, it just sounds terribly insecure - mixed with guilt
The other day he came up to me with a bit of worry on his face and asked if I thought he was a boring guy. I told him "definately not", but he kept reframing and repeating the question. His eyes had a hint of concern in them. I just couldn't seem to convince him that I did NOT find him boring.
I've also sensed something weird and/or different with my H in that he keeps looking at me in a probing way. I almost sense eggshells under HIS feet for a change.
My take on this whole rash of calls from Wolfie is - perhaps he is grappling with a growing fear that his past deeds might catch up with him - that he has left open that same dark door for you.
The thought of you doing to him what he did to you may be causing him to panic a bit.
I think our spouses must be having a difficult time processing our acceptance of them now that they have not only come back to us - but to themselves as well.
I think the others are on the right track Tal. When they REALLY come back they have their head screwed on right for a change and they can actually see and feel how horrible it was what they did. I think they feel very guilty and sickened by it. I also think they DO start to wonder what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot. It's not a feeling they like much. Of course it would make them feel insecure. Look at how we felt for so long! They get a taste of that and they start to do things they never did to try and make it up to us, only they know they can't. That's where the insecurity comes in. Just like we felt we had no control when they left, I think they feel a bit of that. They actually have a concience when they snap out of the fog. It goes kinda haywire because they have to face themsleves and they don't like what they see. They don't really know why they did what they did, and they can't believe they hurt the one person that they love more than anyone. I think they are feeling all the love that they took from us all at once and they don't know quite what to do with it. It scares them that they could have been so out of control. I think (And I may be off base here) that they are afraid of going back there. They know what they did, and they never want to do it again. Even the thought of it puts them in hyper mode and they get very protective of us just thinking about it. Why do I think this? Because I was a WAW 12 yrs ago, and it's how I felt. Rachael
I think you guys had some good ideas for what might be going on. I think Wolfie is depressed and having a real hard time with self-esteem issues right now. He hasn't been back to his therapist since he came home and has been very resistant to the idea of getting on anti-D's, even though that was recommended by both his therapist and doctor.
I think that when his thoughts get dark now, it scares him because that's how the whole episode started with the crazy-a$$ behavior.
...and now that I think about it, last week we DID have a conversation about what if the shoe had been on the other foot and I had cheated on him. Maybe that brought some fears up for him.
I can't read his mind, but it did seem obvious that he needed some reassurance from me. Yesterday, we were having coffee in the morning and I took his face in my hands, looked him straight in the eyes and told him that I hoped he knew how much I adore him. He kind of rolled his eye a bit and said that he knew, but he would never be able to understand WHY.
Sometimes it's hard to love someone that doesn't even think they deserve to be loved.
We are all just guessing here about why he's acting odd. For all I know, he's feeling insecure and guilty because he's been getting another case of restlessness or actually has done something (OW-related?) that he feels guilty about.
I'm choosing not to interpret things in the worst light. Who knows though? There's still plenty of alien in his behavior sometimes and has a loooong history of being secretive.
I just wish he'd talk to me instead of weirding himself out. I hate having to ask what is wrong and get the same old "nothing is wrong" or "I'm fine" answer when that obviously isn't the case.
