Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I need help again, 5 years later,,,

It seems to me that there has got to be a distinctly right time and set of circumstances and a wrong time. I’m going into day by day mode, even hour by hour, but also trying to get all the ducks in a row in the event I feel it is the time and place for exposure. I do need allies in this sitch, but one of her TM said ‘I don’t want advice from my Dad, MIL, bro, or you, none of you know what I’m feeling’, so seems she is mentally set to not listen to anyone right now.(except OM).

So you're going to let the one who HASN'T got the marriage's best interests at heart right now, and who is NOT acting in a healthy way, define your course of action?

That seems like a mistake to me.



Is that just your opinion, Optimust, or is this based on some research you've done on the subject? I'm not trying to be an ass here, I'm really not, but we often are NOT at our best when we're in the middle of these situations, and our instincts don't usually serve us well. In fact, they are often what got us into the mess in the first place.

What are the things you are doing to get all of your ducks in a row? What is your plan?

Puppy

Lining up the boundaries, deciding who to expose it to, when to expose it to them in relationship to exposing to W, and reading up on her possible retaliations and my responces to them.
Would a letter to OM boss and/or his boss be out of line, or even illegal(slander)?
Do I have any contact with OM?
And as you put it yourself, I'm not ready, and therefore going into this without total conviction would be a mistake.

I believe "timing" affects everything, but make sure that's what you are really looking at....and not just putting off doing what needs to be done. I'm not the best at explaining exposure, but I would like to say something on the subject.

It took me a long time to agree about exposing an A, but now I realize that that is what has to be done in order to stop it and break the addiction patterns. If you don't do it this time around then it will probably repeat the pattern in a few years, even if she reconciles again.

You seem to be more focused on OM and exposing "him" rather than your W. That makes me wonder if you are afraid of exposing her.

I think you need to look at who is the most important people in her life and who she would want to keep information from leaking about her activities. I believe you know that answer but I doubt you will act on it.

I have learned a few things while here on the board, and #1 is that you don't "warn" her of your plans, and #2 is that you act swiftly and hit hard. #3 is that you "know" what you're doing and have all the facts down pat. If you don't....then it could be very badly done.

I've also learned that protecting those we love can sometimes cause us to make bad decisions, and you are trying to protect her due to her depression. I honestly understand. However, if she doesn't have to face the consequences of her own actions then you will be bailing her out of trouble from now on. Shielding our loved ones is not always a good thing after they become adults.

What will you do if your 14 yr old D behaves badly or makes very bad decisions? You'll want to protect her emotionally, but as a wise parent you'll know that as long as you tollerate her behavior and bail her out of her problems, (or just wait for it to fizzle out)....she won't grow up to be a mature, happy & good person like you desire for her to be. Tough love is not for sissy's...that's for sure, so you have to know if you can handle it b/c once you start, you must stick with the boundaries you set down.

BTW, rarely does the one who applies tough love is seen as the "good guy" in the stitch, so if being that great & wonderful guy is more important.....then you probably won't want to try this route. You know what you can or can't do and therefore have to make that decision. I just hope you will not allow her depression to dictate your decision. If she knows she can "use" her depression to control you, then she will bully you from now on.

How did you feel about yourself the first time around with all of this? Did it affect your self-respect?

Did you follow the bad directions in DB the first time you had problems with your W?

That is, did you pretend that you didn't care, that you acted happy all the time, never let her see you hurt, did you not chase or pursue, that you pretended you weren't hurt?

Basically, did you lie and act in a way that you thought would be what your wife wanted instead of being honest with her?

If so, stop it. Tell her that cheating is unacceptable and you won't stay married to a women who does.

But for that to work, you honestly have to believe that you are worth being loved, singularly. If she doesn't want to do that, what do you have to lose? Is being with a women who doesn't respect you really a bonus?

Once you figure out why you don't think you deserve a faithful wife, everything else will fall into place.

Chasing and pursuing are very bad ideas.

Break up her A, as Puppy advises. It is obviously a huge threat as it has had a great deal of longevity. Plus, it removes the "romance" (sleazy sneaking around) of it.

I think my mistake was that, after exposing the affair, I tried to convince exH that home is where he belonged; that I would forgive him, that I could change the things that had made him unhappy, that he had the power to save the family, for us, for the kids. Pursuing behavior.
I honestly went crazy with it. Unattractive and desperate.

I think the advice here is to be prepared to walk away from someone who doesn't recognize your worth; leave it in their lap. I was trying way too hard to fix it. I know now that my codependence drove that.

Good luck as you move forward with this....

What else can you do in the end but walk away? But don't be so hard on yourself. That painful obsessiveness that had you wanting to fix things is perfectly natural.

When you think about it, when you fall on your butt, it can hurt, and that is nature's way of telling you not to do things where that happens. You learn from the pain, and the obsessive "fix it" component makes sure you do.

But ... learning is important, and so what are we supposed to be learning from these experiences? I don't know, but my guess is that we should be learning that loving people who do not respect us and value marriage is not something we should be doing over and over and over. Or maybe we are just learning self-control?

If I am right--and I seldom am--these "mistakes" serve a purpose.

Very true. Exposure DOES make things more difficult, in a lot of ways, and stirs up a lot of anger. If you then follow that up with pursuing behavior, then you've riled the hornets for nothing.

There are right ways and wrong ways of exposing. If I had to list my order of preference, it would be:

1. Expose the right way.
2. Don't expose at all.
3. Expose the wrong way.

Puppy

How much concrete proof do I need? I have the phone and TM logs. And this guy lives over one hour away, and when she gave lame excuse for spending the night away from home, I drove up early in the morning and have photo evidence of her car in his condo parking lot? Do I need to show the pictures for proof to her?
If I can bring myself to expose, I am planning on have 4-5 boundaries to be set, most important it seems is the ‘no contact’ letter, and the transparency issue, so I have all access for building the trust back. How much time do I give for the whole decision on her part to adhere to them, and the writing of the NC letter?
Besides the persuing, what other mistakes are made that could turn it bad?