Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

journaling.
his financial statements came in.
he has listed all of the jewellery that he has given me.

i am heartbroken reviewing the information.
every gift he ever given me, is on that list.

he is adding it to his net worth.
he is also coming after my company.

it's all about money, isn't it?

Journaling.

He believes that he is entitled to all of my jewellery.
Including all of the gifts he gave me in the past.
Why is his lawyer letting this happen?
Is this really my nightmare come true?
Do I really need to fight this with guns loaded?

What am I reconciling with?
There is no coming back from this.

because a D is a lawsuit, they ask for the world so they can negotiate back to the middle.

You have to get out of your emotional start and start thinking and planning. I know it's hard.



It's not a dream it's your reality for now. Do you have a L?




Listen to AJ he was very angry for a while. He sounds in a good place now. Find out how he handled it.


Cheers

journaling.

btw, it's not really codependency.
the new word of the day is "enmeshment".

i called the crisis counsellor again last night.
i did not eat.
i reviewed the financial statements.
i see a lot of padding in the financial statements. padding to work in his favor.
i called my friend and talked until 3 am.
i woke up at 5:33 am.
texted my sister to see if my mom was available to talk.
i called the crisis line again.
i need to see a doctor.
my anxiety is getting out of hand.
my mother is recommending that i go home this weekend.
i don't even know if i'm able to drive.

i need to speak with my L.

"i need to speak with my L."

Yup.

"i see a lot of padding in the financial statements. padding to work in his favor."

This is normal as Coach said.

"i need to see a doctor.
my anxiety is getting out of hand."

Do this first. Be honest with the Doc.. explain the situation and what you are going thru.

"my mother is recommending that i go home this weekend.
i don't even know if i'm able to drive."

Don't drive then. Take a cab.. a train.. what ever.

Sleeping..and eating are important. More than you think.

Don't react to this right now.

forrest,
i can't save this.
i don't know if it's fog.
i want to know if anybody else out there experienced the same thing and was able to turn things around.

at this point, he's making himself look very unattractive.
it's really sad.
everyone is asking me why i want to go back to someone like this.
this is why i am hesitant to "do the work".
i don't know if this is fog.
or is this the new h that is permanent and here to stay.
is there enough work that i can do to really make him see? or is money really that important? more important than a human being? more important than unconditional love, companionship, and support?

gifts that were given to me, are considered to be joint?
yet gifts given to him, are his and excluded.
let's not forget - who asked for this.
also, why would his lawyer advise against putting silly things like a handbag and the engagement ring/jewellery on the financial statement?

i know you know that i tend to dig.
but i didn't provoke this.
my financial statement is honest - that's what my lawyer requested.
his financial statement is padded.

i can't take a cab to my parents place. it's be one heck of an expensive cab ride - they live 5 hrs away.

dumped

"want to know if anybody else out there experienced the same thing and was able to turn things around."

Yes. Me.

"at this point, he's making himself look very unattractive."

Been there too.

"everyone is asking me why i want to go back to someone like this."

Still hear that every once in a while! But.. been there.. done that.

"is there enough work that i can do to really make him see? or is money really that important? more important than a human being? more important than unconditional love, companionship, and support?"

This is a boundary.. of sorts. If something is unacceptable to you.. and not what you want.. why can't you state that? You don't have to go along joyfully with this. Again.. at the very least.. he will question himself.. and all his thoughts about you. As long as you react in a way that is healthy for you.. and you can hold your head high cause you know what you did was right and honorable. Then people will "see" it. You don't let the situation control you. Your actions.. are your responsibility. No one other than you is making you act this way right now.

"gifts that were given to me, are considered to be joint?"

Anything acquired within the contract of marriage in most states is "joint". And to a point he has a claim to it. This is why you don't want to buy a house now! Most of the time the jewelry passes as a gift. It is really hard to prove they were not gifts. If the piece is worth a ton of money then they may look at it to split it.

"let's not forget - who asked for this."

Again.. most states.. don't care. Sucks.. but it is the truth. Most of the time.. any "wrong" done to you has little to no effect in a courtroom. This is dividing assets here. You both had an equal part in gaining them.. because of your contract.

"also, why would his lawyer advise against putting silly things like a handbag and the engagement ring/jewellery on the financial statement?""

The ring was prior to the contract. It would be impossible for him to prove that was not a gift. Even if you said no.. the law would be on your side if you kept it. Handbags.. most likely are not worth the time and effort. Big ticket items will show up to be "fought" over.

"i can't take a cab to my parents place. it's be one heck of an expensive cab ride - they live 5 hrs away."

Sometimes.. you have to make smart choices.. no matter what the cost is.

Pay a friend to drive you.

Be creative with your solutions.

Think outside the box.

because he's hurting you, this is normal to feel. I remember when I first had that feeling that it was very unsettling to me. Your H is way ahead of you on the detachment curve, you need to catch up and get ahead of him.

Think of Maslow when you are taking care of your self. I agree with Forrest about the sleep and eating. I had to manage my energy to get thru my sitch.

My wife filed for D and left the house. It crushed me emotionally, literally put me on the floor with grief. It wasn't productive so I changed what I was doing. I promised myself I would come out on the other side a better man. Two mantras I used were, "I can handle it" and "strength and honor."

I hated the legal side of the D. I let my L know that my goal was to stay married but that I wouldn't get in her way of doing her job. The L is your advocate for your financial well being. Hire a great one.




The "work" is for yourself. The work kills the anxiety. The work is the journey, the work is the reward to yourself, the work is a gift to cherish, the work is all about you. You can handle it.

Cheers

It's normal to doubt that. Know what though? You can't know if this is "him" or if this it the alien talking. To find out, you have to wait and see. Sounds bad where you are right now, but I assure you the time passes pretty quickly when you start shifting the focus from him to you. And since he won't shift the focus from him to you, you have to do it. For you.

Fair? Of course it's not fair. Painful? Of course it's painful. Keep in mind you are saying "later" to so many different dreams and desires and comforts and shared memories. Make a list of those things you are saying "later" to. One at a time, say "later" and mean it.

Don't try to eat this elephant all at once - they are best eaten in pieces.

Don't be surprised when he tries to hurt you. There is nobody on this planet that can hurt you like he can. Nobody. Understand that he will try to convince himself that what he is doing is the right thing to do. He will want the pain to stop for himself as well. Then he will figure that you're to blame and will unleash his anger and hurt on you. It will hurt. If you let it.

Anger - that's normal. Debilitating. You cannot change what is currently happening but you can change your perspective and realize your own self-worth. You are worth a lot. A tremendous amount. Do you deserve this treatment? No. But has that ever stopped things from happening before? Life is not fair.

There. Now that is out in the open. Understand that you will be happy again. Re-read that sentence. It's true. No question about it. It doesn't feel like it right now, in part because you are not done with the shock. Time to see that. Go through it and start to work yourself through. Note that as you do, people that care about you will see you suffering and want to stop it for you. I can tell you that your H will not remember much of this the same way you will. Really. It's bizarre, but it's true.

What I'm trying to say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's not an oncoming train. I recall many times telling me friends if they really wanted to help to "put two behind my ear" - one laughed and said that it was more fun to watch me suffer. He knows how this process goes.

I spent much of time trying to figure out if the venom and crap she was spewing at me had merit. Know what? Majority of it did not. The MC tried to tell me that in the beginning and I wasn't ready to hear it because it meant I had no control and no way to stop the insanity of what was happening. Is happening. But guess what? With some very concerted effort and time, I have started down the path of being ok, and dare I say, even happy at times.
It comes in stages. It requires effort. There is no explaining what they are going to do other than to say they will become highly selfish, unknown to you, and crazy mean. It feels so much like insanity that you often question your own. Detaching let's you see it from a different perspective.

As to whether or not you want him back? Deal with that later when you have something to give to others without "requiring" something back. Right now you need to save your energy for you and only you. Like putting on an oxygen mask in an airplane, it's for you first and then others around you that may need help.

If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell at the pillow, if you need to workout, workout. If you need to sleep, sleep. If you don't, then do it anyway. The sleepless nights are part of it. So relax knowing you are normal. If you can't get out of the cycle of anxiety, consider the doctor a number one priority (as mentioned). It's not healthy to let your body go through the torture you are putting on yourself.

Anger is not a bad thing if you don't stay there. Shock is not a bad thing if you don't stay there. You are reaching out and you know that you can't stay there. List those things out that you are saying "later" to. Even if you don't feel like it. Go see friends and go out, even if you don't feel like it. Try to set some time aside to NOT grieve for now. During that time, even if only 30 minutes, work on things that are positive for you. In fact, list the positive things for you. I think you'll want to go back to that list in a few months and see how far you've come. It'll help.

Finally - take deep breaths. Often. What you feel is perfectly normal and we have all done the same. Some for longer than others. It has a new set of emotions that will follow. Your roller coaster is going to be interesting for a while. Take the ride. Get your money's worth and you may be surprised at what you find. In a good way

AJ

just finished talking to my lawyer
they received the files yesterday as well and will start on it today.
i have voiced my displeasure with the 'padding' and they were expecting it.
there are mysterious loans that have appeared.
money that was given by his parents for our wedding - yet i never saw a penny of it.
and therefore, they did not appear on my financial statement.


i guess i was always expecting him to just walk away.
he is not behaving like a typical WAS who just wants out.
that is what he said. he wants out.
well then .. go. get out. why be so friggin' petty? he got everything in the house to furnish the new house that he bought. he wants 4 snow shovels .. take 'em. it's like i got what i needed and left. am i the WAS or what?

it feels like i'm the WAS and he's the nagging LBS who just won't go away.


i prefer jim collins quote ..

"greatness is not a function of circumstance. greatness is largely a matter of conscious choice and discipline."

"whether you prevail or fail depends more on what you do to yourself, than what the world does to you."

i think this is really what you have been trying to get through to me.


i think i have a good lawyer on my side.
he had this attitude that i really liked.
of course, i'm not afraid to yell at him too about stuff that my h has done to piss me off.
i know my L doesn't take offence to it. but i'm not afraid to be vocal anymore.
it's funny, my L knows that my goal is to reconcile. he suggested that the sooner we get this out of the way, then move forward to reconcile. when this lingers, it doesn't help. at least, that was his suggestion.
his w is the legal assistant and she said a separation agreement isnt the end. they have seen countless couples reunite before going to court.


hence me leaving town.
in order to save myself, i need to be somewhere else.

dumped.