Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Just found out she already filed

I'm glad you're not feeling miserable. Though sometimes depression takes different forms- irritability, procrastination, etc. Again, just want you looking ahead as much as you can rather than back. And about reacting to her- of course you guys have to work together (though, the monkish life sounds tempting)- what I meant was not to wait for her to decide what will happen next, how you divide things up, what the DD schedule is, etc. That you should speak up as to what you want and negotiate with her firmly but in a friendly way. Don't just give her whatever she wants (which I know you aren't doing anyway).



Per my other note to you, the person who will be hurt if you don't assert what you want and need right now, is you. She will think whatever she's going to think- regardless of whether you give her what she wants, she will still find a way- seems to be a theme with WAS- of blaming you for something. So you might as well agree to something that you can live with now- if you do it nicely but firmly it will not hurt relations with her, or it shouldn't.



Tell us if we can help at all if you need help. I'm not quite sure what you meant, but throw something out if it's something you feel stuck about doing. All of us miss that emotional connection. The GAL stuff will not replace that, but it will help- help you focus on other things, help you find what makes you happy, etc. It may feel meaningless right now, but trust me, it has a purpose. It's about building a new life for yourself and filling it with satisfying things, even if that's not how it feels now. It also prepares you to find that new emotional connection down the road- you will be more open to that and more desirable by others if you have an interesting, fulfilling life for yourself that someone wants to join you in. It's still all about you right now, though.

I understand the aimless feeling- I felt it too, at first. Now, a couple months in, I'm glad to have some things to do on what could otherwise be a lonely night, etc. And, all of us are depressed to an extent, whether we call it that or not. Speaking as someone who has dealt with depression all of her adult life, I can tell you that the only key out is to take action so you stop feeling helpless. And the kicker is that when you're depressed, the LAST thing you feel like doing is all this stuff we're talking about. Not fair, is it? But it's the way it is- trust me, I've been down this road many, many times. You do fake it til you make it sometimes and I've been there too. It does get better, more genuine, more enjoyable, truly. But you have to start out like this to get to that more genuine spot.

And meeting new people or re-connecting with old- well, that sets you up to meet someone special down the road when you are ready. If you put yourself out there as much as you can, as you feel comfortable, you will eventually meet that someone when you're ready. If you do things by yourself or don't join new activities, how will the new woman know where to find you? LOL ;-) You know I'm talking in the future, not now.



Let me clarify, in case it was my words that were confusing- I'm not telling SR he should be happy. He should feel whatever he needs to feel and try to move through it with any positive coping mechanisms he can muster. I really agree with you that doing things you enjoy will help with this. And that we are all stuck at some point to certain extents. I'm not at all implying he should be jumping for joy right now- or looking for women, jeez, no! But I do think - and he knows this- that he needs to start with baby steps as soon as he can, trying new things, getting out there and trying to enjoy life or at least act "as if" to help him recover and move on to happier times.

((((SR))))

Don't worry Alice, your words didn't inspire my post! I just wanted SR to know it's OK to be unhappy for awhile, it's not abnormal. My friend was a prime example of feeling his pain but still moving on with his life. I wish this for SR too. Alice I also think you're advice is a great help to SR. No criticism intended.

Well guys the last few days have been really bad for me. I offered her a settlement proposal and she scoffed at it. I then asked her to let me know what she was expecting...and I made the mistake of trying to make her feel guilty about what she's done. big mistake!! it back fired!! she went into a full assault vengful mode. Now she's asking for the world and threatening as well as accusing me of some really horrible things.

So much for me believing she was a nice person underneath. Or that at least she'd do this amicably for DD's sake. This is the first time I've seen this side of her. I didn't know she could be so venomous and mean.

So now the court date for the temporary order is still on for Mon and apparently she doesn't want to discuss anything.

This does suck big time that your once loving wife has turned into something that more resembles an evil alien from outer space.

One thing I remember well and followed the advice of when I was at your point was an email from my cousin after I told him of my WAW and her threats against me...

...and here I was thinking of writing her an apologetic email telling her I was sorry if I triggered her somehow...pathetic, pathetic.

Kerry, talk to me more! please! what specific things did you do and what were the results? did your X back off? Did she file temp court orders on you? was she mean from the begining?

Are you in the alt?

Dont apologize for trying to be a fair guy. It would make you appear weak.

I insisted she was not to live under the same roof as me if she was going to date other men. I probably had no legal way of making her leave, but I was able to be firm about it and use a bit of reverse psyhcology to convince her to live somewhere else.

I filed for the D with a protective restraining order which allowed the kids schedule and place of residence (my house) to remain the same. I felt that being on the offensive allowed me to call a lot of the shots. She was pissed like a disturbed hornets nest, but she settled down and we were able to work out a shared parenting schedule on our own.

She noticed that I was not a push over whimp. That I had become stronger. She was on the fence for months and I had my L back off as I still wanted to save my M. I finally got fed up with the cake eating and I doubted that I could ever love her again (she got an STD which would always remind me of what she did) so I had my L push the D through by negotiation with her L. We did have to go see a judge for a pre-trial meeting and we were able to hash out the remaining minor finacials in private between L's at that meeting.

One week before the D was final, she asked for another chance. I said no as I knew she was not strong enough for piecing. Plus, she is an incredibly selfish, frigid and expensive a$$hole.

She had sent me a couple letters saying that a nightmare had entered her life. I assume she went through some sort of MLC but I dont really care. Also, she told me that I was a good guy and that I did not deserve what she had done to me. It was nice to get the letters of apology.

All in all, I came out well financially. We coparent very well. Our kids are well adjusted to life in two homes. She married the OM who is turning 70 in July making him 31 years older than her. I had a girl friend for about 9 months who I met towards the end of the D process up until June of last year before I broke up with her for various reasons of incompatibility. I am now in the early stages of a new relationship that I have better feelings of compatibility about. But, how does one really know whether a long term relationship will work out? Hopefully I have learned a lot more of what is required to keep the love alive in a relationship.

I sent you a friend request. It is tougher for me to figure out things in FB since I changed my FB language to English Pirate, but the user interface is funnier with the pirate terminology. Arrrrrh!

wow what a story Kerry! thanks for sharing.

I do see some similarities here except she filed and she's been in control and she has the upper hand in the settlement area because she makes a lot less than I do.

Romeo,Amazing, isn't it? Keep spew coat ready; they'll be more.
Do not write a note, let alone an apologetic one.
Go dark. Go L-to-L. Don't discuss at all.
Big time, is right.
And, of course, the reason we're all here in the first place.

Hang in there Romeo. Use the 48-Hour Rule and/or run things by here before acting on impulse.

My wife made about 8 times less than me. She was trying to get spousal support even though she was living with her sugar daddy in a 10,000 sq ft single level home (I call it the compound now). I ended up buying her out of spousal support to the tune of $40,000. I was able to refinance my house so as to pay that and the division of assets off.

Let your L deal with your wife indirectly.

I wish you luck on the hearing on Monday.

HotRomeo, I know that you are very worried about your D in all of this. My feeling is that there will be a rough ride ahead with your W and you will have to be strong as she gets angry at you. But in the long run you and your W will sort out coparenting. There will be some adversarial stuff in the legalities because you and your W have different interests here. But in the long run your common interest - your D - WILL be taken care of by both of you. In the short term, be strong and assert yourself. You'll have all sorts of negotiating to do from here on in...and for years. Being strong and firm is a great 180 for you and will put you in a much better position for future negotiations. (((hugs)))