This post is probably going to ramble all over the place , so I apologize in advance. Im watching the destruction of my family before my very eyes and its tearing me apart. I've read DR and I know from a mutual friend that my wife has stated she isnt ready to quit on us yet , and she has said the same to me as well but she is determined to " get her space " by moving out and into a small rental home she got thru a friend at her work. We have two kids together , my almost 6 year old daughter and a 7 mo old son. I've been able to convince my wife to let the kids stay with me for now , so my daughter can finish Kindergarten in the same school.
I also admit I hoped against hope that between when everything erupted the first week of May and the end of June would be enough time for my wife to have her space AND see the changes I've made and am committed to keeping,but each day that she drops by, she takes a little more of her stuff with her.
I know the vast majority of what she's upset about is my fault, the neglect , emotional attachment , me being selfish , her feeling taken for granted ,etc. I just didnt see it when it was happening and the subtle little clues that she was sending before that now appear as big as billboards I completely missed when they were being sent.
She has acknowledged bringing her own unresolved issue's from her childhood and baggage from her first failed marriage to our relationship. She even admits to " putting me through hell " the first few years because of her issue's of trusting men, but she's now adamant that she let her guard down and believed and trusted in me and she got hurt for her efforts.
Its especially painful because not only have I unintentionally hurt someone I care deeply about and am as crazy about as the day we met, but that I've now put my children in the position of having a seperation to endure , which is something I SWORE I would
Act like the husband you want to be. Make each and every interaction with her build her desire for you.
Apologize if you haven't. Have you considered asking for hope through a weekly date with her or something?
Side thought - I don't see why the kids would move if she has any hope...but kids shouldn't be moved if they don't need to. She's in a small rental, not your home. If she left, she suffers, not the kids...
SOTR ~ You're going to make it. That's the first thing you need to know.
Has she moved out yet?
Is there any infidelity?
What you should do at this time is get yourself together. This IS happening. She is going to leave you. Stop the bleeding - don't ask her not to do this; don't beg her to stay; don't call her or text her or try to do any of the things maybe you have been doing that you thought would change her mind. Accept that she is making decisions and you must do the same. Clearly, your #1 priority is saving your M and family. The only things that will give her pause are your Actions - not your Words. Your Actions should communicate confidence, strength, a disposition of "W, I want you and want our family. But I will be ok with or without you."
And you will be ok.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Something I SWORE to myself I would NEVER allow to happen to MY kids , when was still a young man , since my parents got divorced when I was a teen and I lived the damage it did.
And now I find myself having become precisely what I DESPISED !!!
I always thought that her knowing I would always be there for her, faithful , not having a wandering eye , always reliable and committed would be enough to get us through the rough patches. I mean, I did other stuff as well, random cards , flowers , gifts for no reason , compliments on her appearance etc. But I definetly found it WAY to easy to get caught up in doing something I wanted to do and forget to make time for US.
There's ALOT of things that I could go into to flesh out the various problems if people feel they need detail to gain insight and offer advice, but thats going to take SEVERAL long posts to get it all out.
We had a similar situation that developed back in summer of 2007, but for somewhat different reasons from MY perspective , but I can see from HER point of view that the things she was upset about then and agreed to let me try and change are many of the same things she's upset about now. And I understand why she says " I gave you a chance " and you went right back to the same old behavior , like it didnt matter to you" And she's right , shehas every right to feel that way and I've told her that. But right no she's so emotionally devestated that she refuses to accept that this time it really is " different " for me.
The only way I can compare it is if you get a guy that has a minor heart attack, and the Doc tells him , cut out the red meat , and the scotch. So he does this for awhile , but after some time goes by and he feels everything is good , he slips right back to the old habits , and still nothing bad happens , which re enforces that he's doing ok , so he keeps the behavior up. Then out of the blue one day he has a MASSIVE heart attack that comes dangerously close to killing him. And thats when he FINALLY " see's the light " and decides to make permanent , life changing decisions.
Thats where Im at now. And I know all about making the changes for me and me alone, but TBH , it really wont matter to me if the result is that we cant fix things. I dont want anyone else in my life , I KNOW THIS with all my heart. She means everything to me , is my best friend , etc.
Its SOOOOOO hard to put on a happy face and pretend everything is just fine when my heart is breaking for the damage I've caused , for what I've lost when I was lucky enough to find it in the first place , even though I didnt realize it and how bad I just want to hold her tight and apologize and make things right and make her FEEL my commitment to being a better man and husband and the person she fell in love with.
It doesnt help that Im not known for being a patient person and I know it took a long time for things to get to this point and it will take a long time to fix. I just dont know how Im going to find the strength to go on day by day, not being able to tuck my kids in at night , or wake them up in the morning to send my daughter to school , or missing my son's first steps or it taking longer for him to say Da Da. Everytime I think about it it tears my heart out again , over and over and over.
I dont have any reason to worry about being able to see the kids , thats about the only thing Im sure of. She's already told me I can see them everyday , even if she has to leave her own place while I see them until she feels like she can be in the same room with me without feeling hurt and resentful and angry.
And I know I HAVE to see them everyday, but I also know that everytime I'll have to leave will be torture. I SOOOOOOOOOOO wish I had a time machine, so I could go back and slap my past self in the face and say " Wake up you idiot , look at whats going to happen if you dont ! " But I know thats silly to wish for.
Even with all the stories of people in DB and here that give me something to cling to and even though she's said to me and others that she isnt ready to quit on us yet, I just dont know how to " fake " that Im fine , when I cry myself to sleep just about everynight and I would give my life to have my family back together and whole and happy RIGHT NOW !
There's no infidelity that I KNOW of. But I strongly suspect there could be based on pat actions. And where that would have been the " line in the sand" for me a few years ago, I've somehow found it with in myself to forgive even that , since I now know that cheating is a symptom and not the probem.
We were in a similar spot about 3 years ago, and even mutual friends said it certainly appeared like she was having an affair. I found explicit instant messages, X rated Text's , photos etc. That time we only seperated for a week or so and we both went to see a counselor together. My jaw hit the floor when the counselor said unless I caught her in the act , I couldnt accuse her of cheating , even when the circumstantial evidence was rock solid, and even after I stated I didnt care that it happened as much as I cared about being told the truth.
I mean , how do you say with a straight face that nothing was going on when I saw the pictures , I have copies of the messages saying how much you wish you were screwing etc???
I can understand the need or desire to seek from another person what I wasnt giving her. Even though that sounds like Im excusing it.
I totally understand what everyone is saying, but the thing is I dont know HOW to be happy when my entire life was centered around my kids and her and having a family is what made me happy and now Im losing it.
I could hit the Mega Millions Lottery TONIGHT and it wouldnt make my happy , because I still wouldnt have my family together. It might give me pleasure to have no worries about bills or anything , but thats not the same as being happy.
Im really not trying to be difficult or seem like Im turning down advice , not at all. I just cant get my head around " be happy" when Im miserable and feeling hopeless
Well , the kids would most likely have to stay with her anyway. I can only hold onto the house( rental ) that we've been in until the end of June or early July at the latest. I've been laid off for over a year and had to file bankruptcy just to keep a roof over our heads this long. According to my wife , one of the conditions placed on letting her have it at a price she ca afford is that it was ONLY for her and the kids, I was NOT allowed to move there with them.
TBH I have NO clue where Im going to wind up after this. I guess a 1 bedroom apt , which is NOT something I want the kids to see me in when they've had a huge house and yard to play in for years now, but Im going through job retraining and a 1 bedroom is all I can afford.
