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Wow Eric it sounds like you have learned much on this journey. Detachment is hard especially with kids.

All you can do is really work on yourself and become a better person.

I always tried taking the high road. Meaning regardless of what my h was doing to me or the kids, I still treated him as my partner. Being kind and loving towards him.

Time has a way of healing us. It will get way better as time does not stand still.

Keep up thinking positive about your situation and the way you are handling this crisis.

E-

Regardless of whether the OM is driving your W’s decisions or not, they are her decisions.

If and when she decides she made the wrong ones, she will have to ask herself why she chose to listen to someone else…

Don’t just redirect your anger E…

Process it…

Get rid of it…

This may be a person who is involved in your children’s lives at some point, and for a long time.

As I sit here at work I am feeling a little down so I decided to post some of the things that I am feeling/thinking about.

I have been doing pretty damn good job these last few weeks of detaching and working on myself. I know that I will “make it” and that I will and have become a better person because of this process. As I continue to reflect on the changes that I and God need to make in me I have decided to outline some of the things about me that I have come to realize and would like to change. I welcome any comments.

First off, I now realize the true impact of all the mistakes that I made in my M. I am not having a pity party here nor am I beating myself up with guilt. I am simply acknowledging my role in the failure of my M. and pointing out the things that I know I need to change for ME. My M is truly over (okay the fat lady has not sang yet but the old M is done and over with).

As someone once said to me you need to “feel” the pain that a D causes. You need to feel it so that you can apply those feeling toward the effective changes that need to made in yourself. Those words are so true. I cannot rewrite history nor can I change another person – this I have come to accept. I also understand that every situation is temporary and that each of us has to some level, a degree of control over how we feel and how long we feel it.

So here is what I have realized…

I have some more digging to do but as I mentioned above I really look forward to feedback (Jack, Lost, Bill, Mach, Cat, etc. – sorry for calling you guys out like this).

In general I was not the greatest husband by any stretch of the imagination….

Insecurity - I was a pretty insecure person. I put a fair amount of pressure on W to show me the love that I so desired yet never received as a child – yet I did not always return it.

Action plan: So…I am working to open up. To be who I really am. To allow my feelings to come thru in my interactions with people. To not be afraid to show my insecurities and faults. To trust first and not be on the defensive. To show love and respect to ALL people. To always try to do what is right regardless of outcome. I vow to never wear a mask again! I am who I am.

I had a fair amount of insecurity relating to my level of intelligence.

Action Plan: I will be enrolling in fall classes to finally take the step forward and finish what I started a long time ago.

Control - I was a manipulative control freak – yep. I tried to control all scenarios, with the intent of building myself up and masking my own insecurities and fear. For example, I was good at deflecting blame and coming up with justifications for my actions, which deep down I knew were not always right. I could spend a month justifying my action based on upbringing, etc. The reality is that NOW is the time to deal with these demons. Face them head on and as some would say KILL them once and for all.

Action Plan: I have been in therapy for 8 months and the plan is to continue to go until I feel that these demons of my past have been slain. As part of therapy and these boards, I have finally accepted that I really have no control over another – especially as it relates to relationships. I also have made a decision to always do what is right. I must now pay and accept the consequences of my previous actions. That is not to say that I will lie down and be used as a doormat but what is right is right. It is that simple. I will also pick up a few books on control. Any suggestions?

Family - I spent more time at work, thinking that I could make enough money to “buy” my own happiness and that of my family. I was always working, always making more money and spending more money. Why? Pretty simple I always felt that money would help define me. Would make the problems go away. Would hide the fact that deep down inside, I was scared. Scared that one day someone would leave me, scared that I would fail.

Action plan: I have learned (and FTR I am still learning) to realize that money is not a definition of who I am nor is it a path to TRUE happiness. Happiness comes from within. It comes from God and a peace that He can only provide. So I need to find the true things that make me happy and divert the energy to those efforts. I also need to face the fears and accept that no once, with the exception of God can really promise never to leave. It happens. Dynamics change, life changes it evolves. I will continue to be the best Dad that I can be. The crazy give me kids everything shopping sprees will change.

Selfishness - I was pretty selfish and self centered person. I always thought about my interest and although sometime this is needed – I did take it to the extreme. For a while, everything in the household centered around me and my job “make sure daddy is happy”. It was pretty sad now that I look back on it.

Action Plan: Learn to think of other AND myself. Learn to put the needs of others in front of my needs, while not losing sight of the needs that I may have.

I know that I was not the only one at fault in my M. That I do know but as often as we say it on these boards…our roles are really to work on us, the focus on us and become the people that we want to be.

Okay enough depressive sh*t...time to pick myself up and get to work.

God Bless,
Eric

I know you didnt name me to respond, but, Im gonna anyway.

First of all, yep, Bay Ridge, home to Gotti.
Second, Nathan's is staying.

I want to tell you that I had a horrific childhood. So, insecurity was my middle name. I had all kinds of other stuff that I brought to the marriage.

Here's the thing. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. And beating yourself up for what you contributed to the marriage is serving you no purpose.

And projecting what you think your wife is feeling about you, and what she is feeling about anything, also, not serving any purpose.

Seeing your wife on the phone with OM is gonna hurt. Nothing wrong with feeling how you feel.

But, if you take all this info and use it to propel you forward, well, now you're talkin'.

I stayed stuck for so long blaming myself and trying to figure out what h was thinking that it held me back.

I dont want to see you do that.

You can only be responsible for you, your actions, your feelings. Those are yours and hers are hers, ya know?

So, good for you for getting some action plans.

Stop beating yourself up for the past. It's the past.

Start living your life in the present.

Sometimes, it's better to just live the changes you want to make. Just be the man you want to be, everyday.

Of course, you are going to have down days. You wouldn't be human if you didn't This is tough stuff. It aint for the faint of heart. But, if you walk the journey, boy, what you'll learn, and how you'll grow.

Hang in there, sweetie. You are doing great.

Brooklyn,

No, the bonehead didn’t name you, but he would be a FOOL not to listen.

You still teach me something almost everyday…

So E—if you listen to nothing else from me, LISTEN to B.

Your plans are good. I especially like that you are gonna finish school. I just hope you don’t attach too much of your intelligence to that. You are very smart. With or without it.

Slow down a bit E. To a degree we do control how long we feel the way we feel, but if you rush it, you will bury the feelings, instead of feeling and processing them, and they will come back later.

Learn to recognize the behaviors that you feel were controlling. Change them.

Learn to recognize the behaviors that you think were selfish. Change those.

We are/were afraid that someone would leave us. That is normal. Human beings are, by design, pack animals. We need other people. We were not meant to spend our lives alone.

Some people though, are only meant to be in our lives for a minute. Some for a season. Some for a lifetime.

That does not mean there is something wrong with us, it just means that their purpose in our lives, is complete. So really, just because someone doesn’t remain in our lives forever, doesn’t mean that we have been abandoned. It just means that they have moved on to complete their next task. And WE must do the same.

When you can accept that…

When you can welcome someone for as long as they are meant to be in your life and enjoy that, instead of worrying all of the time that they won’t be someday, you will find that you enjoy that person more. You will learn more, love more, and if they go, you will miss them, but you will also be able to be really grateful for their presence…

I have met many great people here, some of them, I want to have around for a very long time. But that may not be their purpose in my life. I have to accept that. While I do fear “losing” them, I don’t fear being without them. Because they will always be with me, in my heart. I don’t know if that makes sense but I hope it does.

Keep stepping E, minute by minute, day by day…

Okay...so I had a little bit of a pity party yesterday. Damn emotions! If only the heart would listen to the mind!

On a serious note.... Brookly and Cat - Thank You for your responses. As usual you ladies respond in such softer way (no offense guys )


Getting to this point of acceptance is the hardest thing for me right now. Although I KNOW I did the best I could my feeling still are that of guilt. I hope and pray that over time this feeling goes away.


Good point...I don't think I'm stuck per se I think I am still impatient. As Cat pointed out I know I am trying to "rush" through and this is a behavior that I must change.


Thank you - I so needed that.


I know Cat - I actually did not realize until you pointed it out and then WHAM - It hit me like a brick.


It makes a lot of sense - A lot! It is the place I need to get to and I just need to realize that getting to that "place" will take the time that God has in mind. Not mine.

Thank you again

Eric

Pulled this from another thread.......





Did you mean usually ?

Lately?

Mostly?


I would answer with .......



YES...to all the above.

Would you like another Mojito Ma'am ?

Hey, while you're making Eric his Mojito could you bake me a cake, thanks Mach McMentor.

Nah......

No cake eating in MLC is allowed..

Or on your Alton diet.....

Ahhh I got to get in shape for me, but also next year I'll be hiking some pretty nice back woods country for some damn fine King Salmon fishing holes...and taking a tender foot along with me...with my luck I'll need to carry his ass when he twists his ankle...so you see the need to be in better shape.