I do not think you can link the two threads but you can notify the moderator to close your old thread.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
In my experience, I could be Buddha re-incarnate himself and still have a tough time dealing with her negativity.
My XW is a Buddhist, but not very devout like her mother. I suggested she speak to some monks nearby at a temple so as to try to get her mind and morals fixed. I was quite naive in thinking that monks, who have never been in a relationship, could talk any sense to her. However, maybe if I got the King of Thailand involved...
I wonder....was Yasodhara an LBS? I suppose that is a bit sacriligious because it might suggest that Buddha was going through a form of MLC during his journey for enlightenment.
As others have said, your W is going to have to come to her own awakening or answer. Pointing the path for her will just be percieved as controlling and she will resist.
Bless your heart...it seems like you make one mistake and it turns into a snowball.
I read what your wife said, and was struck..I've heard this one before..when my husband threatened to leave me; not once but several times..and the funny thing was that HE started the argument, not me..just like he'd started the WHOLE shebang...not me.
Now, the advice about not putting your children in the middle of it is right on the money. We have one son who was 15 at the time my husband was going through, and I did everything I could to keep him out of it. He asked a great many questions, you can't hide much from a teen or young adult. I gave him age-related answers that were closer to adult answers, based on his age. I do remember encouraging him to connect with his dad, regardless of what his dad did..and I took the high road, refusing to make him choose sides..that would have wrong of me, and not my decision to make.
But I digress.
Anything you say to your wife is going to be construed as control, and she will run farther away from you. It's confusing at best, trying to keep up with what's going on. Sorting the garbage is an exhausting task, as the "spewing" contains truth within the lies that are told as they attempt to "rewrite" history, coming up with some of the wildest stories you ever heard in your life.
Best to detach from her drama, leave things alone, if you can, focus on you and your life; taking your journey toward a better YOU...leaving her to twist in the wind for now.
The most innocent and simplest things can set off a tirade that can last for hours, if not days...and you NEVER know what will happen next.
Hang in there, hopefully this won't last forever, and things will get better in time.
Focus on YOU; don't worry about her; best advice I can give to you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I understand the desire to look for signs of change in the MLC/WAW, however, it really serves no good purpose. It is a distraction for you and makes it harder to detach.
If and when your W is ready, she will make it perfectly clear that she wants to remain married to you and to work for a better marriage.
In a nutshell, what is "replay" and "touch and go"?
Also, I get that 'hiding in the tunnel' means that my wife is hiding behind the emotional 'wall' equivalent of Fort Knox. When some here speak of the MLC spouse 'peeking out of the tunnel', What is this reference about? Could it refer to her possibly reaching out for help - to me, friends, etc...? If so, what might be some behaviors, indicators that she is doing so? On the other hand, could 'peeking out of the tunnel' be an admission of responsibility or some sorts? Or, is it something else that I'm missing altogether?
"Sorting the garbage is an exhausting task, as the "spewing" contains truth within the lies that are told..."
Hey Hearts Blessing, I don't think my wife even believes her own lies half the time. Two weeks before the '911 incident' my wife made 'family' plans to take the kids to a community easter egg hunt. She seemed pretty excited about it. I felt she was somewhat coming out of her shell, so to speak. (peeking out of the tunnel?) On Easter Sunday (the day when she threatened to call 911), I had plans to take our two kids to a park to play, ride bikes, and just have fun. In her agitated state, my wife makes this comment along the lines of, "I don't even know why you want to take the kids anywhere today. Easter is not even their holiday. They're not Catholic."
Sorting through the garbage is a big understatement when it comes to coping with her extreme mood swings, and trying to make sense of things. When 'up is up' one day, but 'up is down' in the next breath, it's no fun.
I have another question. In my original thread, I mentioned my wife being involved in an emotional affair with a guy from China, who she briefly dated in high school about 22 years ago. Until last July, my wife and DJ (that's what I call him) literally had not had any contact in that entire time. As we live in Virginia and goofball lives in China, the ONLY contact they have had this entire time is phone calls, chat, and e-mail.
Fast forward about 5-6 months into the EA. I'm snooping her e-mails. I discover one e-mail where DJ suddenly divorces his wife, sends pictures of his divorce papers to my wife by e-mail, and professes them 'soul mates' and the idiot proclaims "Freedom must pay a price."
A few things really get to me about this nonsense.
1) MLC or not, how in the world does someone get so caught in a mess like this that they actually believe it?
2) If DJ literally up and out of the blue divorced his own wife, and 'proved' his love for MY wife by sending her pictures of divorce papers, what does that say about his own mental state?
3) My wife has a Window Messenger profile, and DJ is still one of her contacts. A few days ago I opened his profile. It's 'private' except for a few details. The one that really got to me was the one where you post your relationship status. DJ currently lists himself as "In a relationship" (post-idiot divorce), whereas a few months ago he listed himself as single (pre-idiot divorce). I'm trying not speculate too much about what "In a relationship" means to him. However, if he thinks in his mind he is in a relationship with my wife, from across the deep blue sea, literally 12,000 miles away, with zero shared memories or real experiences between them in 22+ years, what does THAT say about his mental state?!
Jeeezzz. What a big mess... At this point in time, I feel a lot of empathy for my wife. I sense that she realizes the deep hole she has dug, and can't climb her own way out [yet]. I am normally a very intuitive person. I missed the boat big time when the EA was first unfolding. But, right now my gut tells me my wife is hiding in the tunnel more out of shame than anything else.
A little over a week ago my wife is threatening to call 911 on me.
Last night she calls 'just to say hi and to tell you that your daughter wasn't in the mood to eat her dinner tonight.'
In a nutshell, what is "replay" and "touch and go"?
On your first thread I gave you the MLC resources. If you read the 6 stages of MLC by Heart Blessing it will explain what replay is. After you read that I will try to answer any further questions that you have. "Replay" is one of the stages and the most common in MLC. Most people on this board spouses are in this stage.
A touch and go is a time of clarity in the crisis followed by a trip back into the MLC tunnel. All of MLC is driven by some form of depression and it colors everything that happens.
You can't take their depression personally. It makes them do CRAZY things. Depression is a mental illness. Mostly everything that they do can be explained by this.
That is why we tell you to detach, GAL and focus on yourself not them.
