Hi Tal, I envy you that you have gotten this far this quick--and it is probably good to not lose sight that limbo land wasn't so far away--- Limbo land sucks...and I almost think i'm ready for a new place and perhaps I'm almost ready to accept what that place may be---in my heart I want a chance with H, but I also don't want to wait it out much longer!!! We'll see-the beauty about limbo land--thoughts and attitudes and desires change daily!!! LOL
Before: for at least a year before the bomb, he was behaving like a rebellious, belligerant, angry 15 year old and I was the mean mommy. (Yuck--and as though I don't have enough real teenage boys!) After: He's behaving more like an adult most of the time, and acknowledges that he had been acting immature before.
Before: Even though he's not a big drinker, he was drinking (openly and secretly) a lot for about 6-months before the bomb. At some point, he told me that the drinking started because he was very depressed, but escalated as the EA did to deal with his guilt. After: Very minimal drinking and no other escapist stuff that I can see.
Before: He was expressing a lot of resentment about us living near my family. He later told me that he thought they were all telling me that I should ditch him & get someone "better". At first, after the bomb, he avoided my family out of shame. After: He now realizes that my family is no threat, and never was badmouthing him. They were pretty angry with him after the bomb, but in the last few months he's gone to family occasions with me and had alot of fun. When I stop to think about the courage and resolve it must have taken to face my family, it speaks volumes. (note to self--remember to express appreciation about that!)
Before: He dragged his heals and was wishy-washy about the subject of getting legally married for 9 years. After: He's planning wedding stuff: budget, tuxes, location, food, music, etc. Weird and amazing, but good!
This Board is just jumping! For Reals, I can't even keep up anymore.
Not a lot new here. I've been sick, but trying to work anyway. We've just been mostly hanging out, doing family stuff. Last night, while watching TV--something got us talking about wishing we had been able to have a child together, and how nice it would have been to have had a girl.
Wolfie said it was probably a good thing we didn't, because a daughter of ours would probably be like a miniture version of Karen (from Will and Grace).
I figured out how to work the text messaging thing on my cell phone so have been sending him little mushy messages. He always seems to appreciate them, but I never get any back.
This morning, I told him that I was glad he had come home and that I had missed him very much. He smiled and said, "That's good".
What am I doing wrong people? We both admit that it's hard for us to express affection, and we both know that it's important to do. It's hard for me to put my heart on my sleeve and then.....nothing.
Oh well, maybe in time. I'll just have to keep doing it and maybe he'll get the hint. Teach by example, I guess.
Dont be too upset about the 'not' getting the words back in return. I have said before sometimes we males can be a bit slow and not realise the importance of them. I know in my case I can also be just plain lazy about replying to things (try hard to fix this btw). If he doesnt say in words I bet there are other ways that he says it too you.
Hope all keeps moving on well for you.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Quote: What am I doing wrong people? We both admit that it's hard for us to express affection, and we both know that it's important to do. It's hard for me to put my heart on my sleeve and then.....nothing.
Oh well, maybe in time. I'll just have to keep doing it and maybe he'll get the hint. Teach by example, I guess.
Maybe he is afraid of letting you get too close. I feel this from my H. I think he purposefully holds me at arms length for fear of what I am really going to say -- am I going to lash out at him (like he knows he deserves?). All the while I ASSume that he is thinking "see, I knew I couldn't love her again..." I don't know. All I do know is that this is so INCREDIBLY hard, all encompassing (whether you want it to be or not) and without end.
I do think you need to keep on keeping on with the affection, tenderness, etc. Eventually he will soften and come around, hopefully.
Now, as to what I should do, I don't have a clue.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well I see that once again you've proven that you and I ARE married to the same man:
Quote: This morning, I told him that I was glad he had come home and that I had missed him very much. He smiled and said, "That's good".
That's exactly the sort of 'response' I often get to anything meaningful. The funny thing is, it's dawned on me lately that while my H thinks a 'one word' answer/response to a BIG question/statement is okay on his part....he keeps bringing to MY attention that to often my responses to something he's discussing (nonR of course) are often one word answers. Seems it ticks him off (or maybe bothers him is a better way to put it) that I'm not Miss Chatty Cathy about mundane issues and yet HE's MR. One Word Wonder when something 'important' to me (or our R) is brought up.
The double standards they seem to have for everything, never ceases to amaze me. So let ME know Tal when YOU get our H figured out okay? T2
I think that it has to do with something I read in one of the Gottman books (sorry, Michele--but I try to find what good ideas I can find from whatever source I can!).
The book talked about bids for emotional connection. I think that we have a dynamic going on where I have to be VERY specific about my attempts to make an emotional connection, and he's not very good at recognizing those attempts and also doesn't realize the importance of them.
Sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him to stop being so LUKEWARM! I know there are strong, passionate feelings in there somewhere, even if it is terrifying for him to put himself out there and feel vulnerable.
It's terrifying for me too, but I'm doing it anyway to meet his needs better and try to build a stronger R than we had before.
I guess I'm a little frustrated, but rather than get resentful, I'm going to try to approach this as gently pulling him along with me.
