She said if I should decide to date or have sex with someone else to please not tell her. I'm not sure where that came from, but I let her know my plan was to wait until we have made a decision before that would occur.
I'll tell you where that came from but you're not going to like hearing my answer, sorry bro, she's projecting her own thoughts on to you to make herself feel less guilty about what she's done. This happens too many times in every other situation on these boards for it to be coincidental.
We plan to physically separate with me going to the rental 4 days and her 3, the following week we'll go 3for me and 4 for her. That way it gives us a chance to have the weekend for ourselves every other week. I get to pick up my D4 from daycare everyday, so I 'll get to see my girls daily. If it doesn't become too uncomfortable, I can even wait until D4 goes to bed before I leave.
Why?
Why can't you just live at the home and she continues to live at the rental?
In the end, if you guys do end up divorcing, you won't be swapping living locations, it's really an inefficient, childish, immature thing to do, swap living locations - this is being done for what reason?
You are making things to easy on her.
There are consequences for the decisions we make. She has consequences for the decisions she chose to make. Your job isn't to make life easier for her when she makes that decision. You were still committed to her, you didn't want your marriage to end, she did. Making that decision, she has to deal with what happens as a result of that decision.
Think about this before proceeding with the living arrangements swap.
Does this sound to good to be true or is it really a positive step? There have been too many ups and downs,and I'm sure there will be many more before this is over.
She repeated once again that she was 100% D until I got home and she saw how much I had changed. She said she wanted to let me know that this was a positive thing. Again, she just doesn't trust that the changes are real which is fair.
I truly believe that it will be easier and our future will become much clearer once we physically separate. We seem to talk about the R too much living together. When she was living out of the house for those 3 weeks things were much better.
I've been pretty busy, and no real changes to the situation. This was my weekend at the house with my daughters, so I've been making the best of it.
We went to a crawfish boil Saturday and spent the day on the river with good friends. This is the first time since I've returned that I've been able to spend time with friends and forget about everything, and it was great.
I'm actually enjoying myself these days. I'm also better able to see life without my w if it should come to that. When she's gone, like she has been for the entire 4 day weekend, it doesn't bother me.
I'm not saying I don't want things to work out, but I'm finally for the first time truly starting to detach. I find that it's definitely much easier when you can finally do that.
I have realized that my W really isn't the same person right now. it seems she's lost and I'm not. She used t be allot of fun to be around, and she's really not anymore. I realized that throughout this weekend.
I truly hope she can find her way out if this fog she has herself in, but I know with 100% certainty that I'll be fine no matter what the outcome.
Getting a life, detaching, positive mental attitude, keep it up, these are all good things.
well she came home last Monday and completely brought the vibe down. I did fall pretty bad while i was wakeboarding and ended up with a concussion and whiplash. she came in heard I was hurt, and asked if anything happened to the girls. She didn't come in and say hi how are you or anything, and then went straight into tearing into me over finances.
She crossed a boundary and you let her.
Tell her that while you guys are separated she should call before coming over unannounced. Second, you were physically hurt and instead of asking how you were she was more concerned about the finances - this is your red flag on the play, she doesn't care anymore bro: she filed for divorce, didn't want you to get lawyers involved because she wants to run the show and take you to the cleaners, first lawyer you call is someone she spoke to already, she doesn't want to live with you, she doesn't try very hard, she argues, she tells you that if you do start dating not to tell her about it (that should tell you that she's already done something) she harasses you on the finances, doesn't care about your physical well-being either now while you're at home or while you were serving your country, makes you jump through every f@#king hoop there is and you do it hopefully waiting for the day that she finally accepts you into her heart again because now you're "perfect".
as for the date on friday which I'm assuming was yesterday, next time she picks a day for the date, you tell her that you had already planned to go out that night and that she could pick another night.
Anything that is too easy has no value attached to it (ie. YOU)
as for your "DB friends leaving you", we were always here, for myself, I just couldn't keep responding with the same advice if you were going to keep ignoring it to do your own thing.
You needed time to open up your eyes and see what was really happening.
I'm not so sure he's ignoring the advice he's being given.
He's doing the best he can under the circumstances he finds himself under. I think standing up like you did the other day and speaking your mind about how her treatment of you is unacceptable was a strong statement.
Take a look at the dynamics. You pull away and she follows. Like I read somewhere here, a person can't chase something that's not moving away.
You've been doing the chasing. Maybe now it's time for you to do more of the 'leaving'. But you can't keep 'leaving' just to solicit a certain response from your W. That's an attempt at control and manipulation and I find that it usually backfires. Just keep getting a life for yourself, don't get pulled back in just because she's trying to tug you back with hugs and kisses. Look at them as tools she is using to keep you on her hip.
Whether she had/has someone else isn't an issue unless there's some evidence of it. You do for you and your daughters.
Keep detaching. Also keep in mind that all of the 'signals' you are getting mean nothing - put no value on them and keep on moving forward.
If you want to be too busy on a Friday night then be too busy. I wonder what her reaction would be if you actually canceled a date night she wanted...
robx is right - something easy to get has less value to a person. Making yourself less accessible and not at her beckon call is always a good thing. Just remember, there's a fine line there.
You need to snatch control back. Your talk with her the other day did just that. Now you need more of it - but not in an a$$hole kind of way.
Also, when they are in 'leaving' mode, they will find all kinds of stupid cr@p to pick a fight or spin it negatively on you. It's their way of rationalizing their desire to leave. Just shrug it off. Stand up for yourself - you're not a doormat.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Well it's another week down, and another week of status quo. The good part I guess is that there's no changes for the negative, but we still remain the same.
Last weekend she was telling me that she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me, but she also didn't want anyone else to be with me. I guess that's a natural feeling, but it also got me thinking she could let this thing go on like it is just because of that.
At this time all we're really doing is building a friendship, which I find frustrating. We went to the MC and her the C both think there's nothing wrong with that.
I told the MC that the two of had never dated and had a friendship, so this seems backwards. My W and I have had a mutual desire and attraction fr 23 years, so this new getting to know each other is a little weird to me.
I told them that I felt this decision was ultimately going to come down to me because my W will never let her guard down enough to let me completely in. She keeps commenting on how she notices this change and that change and how I've been walking the walk.
She needs time to make sure the changes are enough. She needs to make sure I'm someone she wants to be with. The frustrating part is I'm expected to just give her as much time as she needs to make up her mind.
When I brought up in MC that I thought I would need to make a decision at some point because I can't do this forever, I kind of got bombarded. Are the LBS really expected to wait around forever?
I'm moving forward living my life, but the more I do that, the harder it gets to want to stick around for her to decide. It just seems like an unfair thing to have to do. guess we're going to reassess after two months on where we're at. That's 5 more weeks from now
On another note, yesterday she asked about her going to Las Vegas for her friends wedding in September. She's been complaining about money allot, and may lose her job later this month. I told her that I didn't think we Vegas type money, and that her asking about this trip made me wonder where we would be.
I asked this, because this is a mutual friend of ours, but the talk is of her going not us. She never responded on the money part, but she said she couldn't see that far ahead as far as our relationship.
This is an incredibly frustrating situation to have to go through that's for sure. I'm just not sure I have the patience she's asking for to continue to go through this. It's absolutely draining me emotionally let me tell you.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
This is an incredibly frustrating situation to have to go through that's for sure. I'm just not sure I have the patience she's asking for to continue to go through this. It's absolutely draining me emotionally let me tell you.
Yes it is draining. Not only that,but it does NOT work to wait around for a woman to make a decision. If you do wait around I can tell you for certain that it will be a very very very long time and in the end you will get the answer you don't want to hear...
You are making this more complicated than it is. When a woman WANTS to be with you they will do ANYTHING to be with you.. When they do NOT want to be with you they do what your WS is doing. It is the man who lets her go and moves on without her that wins the woman back. The nice guy who keeps hanging in there ends up without the woman and to top it off has wasted all that time to find out what I can tell you right now. She will not come back totally into you UNTIL you show her you don't want HER anymore and that you have moved on down the road. You will also at that time feel much better about yourself because you have taken the bull by the horns and made the decision FOR HER. You may bery well find her chasing you then...
