Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again If You Forget Me #71

(((((Maria)))))
Wow.... I don't check piecing for a few days, and look what happens!

It feels to me like you have spent the past few months (maybe years) climbing the ladder to the high dive, you've walked out to the end of the board, and now..... you look down, and it's scary! Of course it is! But you climbed up there because you wanted to jump. You knew that you could do it. I know you can do it. Have the faith in yourself, in your H (who is saying incredible things, compared to even a few months ago). You can jump, and it will be ok!

Don't think of this as trying to rebuild your old M. You are building a new one! He's a new man, I think he sounds like a better version of the man who left. Maybe he needed to learn some things, to grow up? And it sounds like he did. Was it "fair"? Of course not! But maybe it's the way it had to happen.

See a IC, I think someone that's trained in this could really help you get through. Just make sure you make it clear what you want... some C's I think will take the easy way out. Leaving him would be the easy way, right now, but I don't think it is what your heart really wants.

I can't believe I am writing this... I never thought he could do it, and it really seems he is. You have the actions, you have the words... he is finally doing the work, Maria!

HUGS!

What Jeff said.. totally! Jeff, as ever, the voice of reason xx

I took an ICs name who a friend of mine met the other day. She told her what I am going through and she said to keep looking for an IC till I find someone that clicks. She said the wound is huge and I will need time and help to heal it.

H is leaving tommorow. I dont know if I want to go to Zurich anymore. Really. Not to spite him, I think it is like a ...bribe: "now after all the years you asked to join me, NOW I let you-."

He has been panicking today. Too many things to do and little time. I tried to be supportive but I think I sounded bored and detached. LIke "what do I care about your schedule?"

I sense I am playing with fire and I wil push him away eventually if I keep doing this. The thought alone, makes me sad. He used to be my favourite person in the world...

So what can you do to make him your favorite person again?

As you know, this isn't really about him right now, this is about your reactions to him.

Find that IC ASAP. For you, for your M, and for your family!

Because the betrayed spouse feels they cant live with the past. And in some cases, because the WA spouse, cant deal with all the hurt they caused. Yes there is choice in there.A difficult one to admit you cant pull through what you wroked really hard for....

Kalni, you have a difficult choice to make here. (((hugs)))

My choice is made. Following through is hard. I am feeling better today. Because I focused on work and some other things I needed done.

Decided I will not install a keylogger on his laptop that lays here. As a self protection gesture. If he is lying now, I will know. And he knows it will be the end. So, each of us proceeds at own risk.

What makes you think he is lying now? Like Jeff said, he sounds like a changed man?

I understand you are not prepared to trust him 100% anymore, but it might help you a bit to let go of the constant vigilance, alert for danger all the time and relax a little and ENJOY your new R with him, if you could tip into the 50- 75 % bracket of trust at least ! I went to Stress Buster with bf and thought of you again. It talks about worry and stress as being alert all the time, vigilent for potential threats to our safety/emotional wellbeing etc. We avoid things, we withdraw, we may get angry with those close to us, we are suspicious, find it hard to relax, are tearful and end up depressed. We are in 'fight or flight' mode.

I know you have been through an awful time..but ask yourself if it really serving you well and making you happy to maintain this position of mistrust/detachment/vigilence toward him?? Seems it is making you feel unwell mate.

I didnt get his asking was like a 'bribe', I just thought, he is away for 45 days, he has already expressed how much he regrets the years wasted, away from you and the family and so.. maybe he just WANTS you to come, because he may miss you and thought it would be a nice thing to do ???

That is one good step at letting go. Take one little step at a time. You don't want to "give in" it is natural. Your hurt and pain finally have a moment to be seen and heard and you want it validated. But fighting for "justice" or having a power play is going to potentially hurt you more. You don't have to trust him just yet, just try to put your best foot forward.

"Find that IC ASAP. For you, for your M, and for your family!"
I suggest also: Find the very best one. And humbly talk again to that monk in the caves.

"I can't believe I am writing this... I never thought he could do it, "
And coming from someone who persistently supported you leaving him.

"I sense I am playing with fire and I wil push him away ..."
You sensed this 2 years ago too, if I remember right.

Given he is open to talking with you would it help to get honest answers to the following questions, maybe helped by IC, but this may be too traumatic for you just now, when you also need a lot of TLC.
- What did the OW have that you didn't?
- Why did he ditch her and come back to you?
- Why do you still want him back?
- If he didn't come back would you want him back?
- If you left him for the other guy what would it be like?
- What does it take to forgive him?
- Is OW to blame or is it 100% H to blame for getting involved with her?
- Can you take responsibility for any of this mess?
- Is he willing to eradicate his character flaws?
- Do you really know the devastation D causes?