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Thanks, NM. That's the same impression I have of her and I know she makes H feel needed and since I've been trying to take care of most of my own emotional problems the past year instead of dumping all my daily drama on my husband, I have no doubt the feeling needed part is a big deal for him.

I'm about to do something stupid. H is hurting pretty bad today. He didn't go over to OW's house last night and he isn't going tonight- he usually goes either Friday or Saturday at least one of those nights. He asked me to stay with him and DD tonight so MIL wouldn't have to take care of DD tonight. I would take DD to other house, but it is NOT in any kind of shape to have a 3 yr old stay over night.

He matter-of-factly asked me, and I just looked at him. He said I didn't have to, but he'd appreciate it. I didn't give him an answer for a good half hour. I finally came to the conclusion that it would hurt my new found sense of starting to detach, but that since this is the first time he's actually asked for my help, rather than me pushing him into asking, I'd go ahead and agree for tonight.

He gave a little, so I'll give a little. I really need to bust butt on getting the other house cleaned up now so that I can have DD over there. Then if he asks for help, he cad drop her off and it'll be on him that he isn't spending as much time as he could with DD instead of me accommodating him.

hey when it comes to our kids, the "hard" line will get blurred sometimes. You can still act aloof or whatever when over there. Where will you sleep?

And you said you will hurry and clean the house so DD can stay in the future so no major damage done! (IMO)

Ok, so I know it's been awhile and I went MIA. I've been sick off and on and DD was sick, and H was sick... and ick. I haven't gotten the house cleaned up yet, but this week for sure. I have several job leads, and now I got a confirmation of affair last night.

So H tells me he wants to talk to me and that his therapist told him to be honest with me and that he was following her advice. He told me he'd just started a relationship with OW just a few days go (yeah right) and that it hadn't been going on anywhere near as long as I thought. I kinda lost it because in the midst of him telling me he was being honest, I knew he wasn't. After a lot of doing stuff that I knew I shouldn't, I left the room and called a friend. We had a nice long talk, but I was still ticked off and couldn't keep myself from saying stuff to him before bed.

This morning, I got on facebook and went to snooping. OW changed her relationship status to "In A Relationship" and posted a status update from this past Tuesday night that said "I've found the love of my life..." I lost it. Confronted husband, he said he had no idea she'd posted that. She called right in the middle of this convo and he wouldn't answer his cell phone. I asked him if she knew everything about us, and he said "yes". So I said, fine, I'll make sure she knows. And since I know she won't answer my caller id, I'll send her a message on Facebook. He didn't think I'd do it, but he said, whatever.

I'll post the facebook convo in the next message, but suffice to say he hadn't been telling her everything. He called his Mother! to tell her he was angry about the info I posted, and of course she told me. So I think OW gave H an earful, but I also think he's trying to smooth it over again.

So, I don't know how badly I screwed up, but I finally told my husband that I want at least 6 months of living together as a family, and attending marriage counseling, before I'd even consider signing divorce papers. He said he'd think about it, but that he thought it would be stupid because I'd just want 6 months more after that. I told him that depended on how the counseling went and how we felt about things after the 6 months.

Argh. I hate this.... so.. here's the facebook convo with OW:

ME: did you conveniently forget that the love of your life is still married and you shouldn't post info on an affair on the internet? .

OW: June 6 at 3:31pm Report
i haven't forgotten anything and i didn't post info on any affair. i never mentioned a name or marital status about "the love of my life." you inferred all of that yourself. .

ME: June 6 at 3:40pm no. I didn't. H told me.

ME: June 6 at 3:41pm unless of course you are two timing him? .

ME: June 6 at 3:42pm and you did change your relationship status to in a relationship. And as long as terry is married to me, you are having an affair with him. Not a legitimate relationship. .

ME: June 6 at 3:46pm And until he told me yesterday that he'd agreed to have a "relationship" with you, we were sleeping in the same bed and he was holding me at night, and I was holding his hands to keep him from hitting himself. . [NOTE: H has schizophrenia and self-inflicts sometimes when he is severely stressed.]

ME: June 6 at 3:48pm and I was going to sleep elsewhere last night and DD cried her eyes out and didn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave either. H has been in my life so long. And now there is a 3 yr old to worry about, too. .

OW: June 6 at 4:28pm Report
I am aware that you have crawled into bed with [H] a few times since you "moved out." I am also aware that the majority of nights you have slept alone or with DD. You seem to be missing the big picture here. H is not in love with you. He does not want to be married to you anymore. Even if he and I weren't involved, he wouldn't want to remain with you. You cannot save a relationship unless BOTH people are willing, and he is not. He is done. He has moved on. You should do the same. .

ME: June 6 at 4:32pm You should get your facts straight. H and I have been sharing a bed for a long time. We have only slept a few nights alone or with DD, usually when I'm at my parents. I moved to the other house two weeks ago for one night. And H asked me to come home. He has had sex with me twice in three weeks, both times initiated by him. He lied to you when he said he told me he asked my to come back last October just for DD. He told me he'd work on the relationship, but he continued to see you. Then in March, he promised... PROMISED... not to become involved with anyone unless and until our divorce was final. He broke the promise. You want to know what's really going on, you need the perspective of someone other than him who knows. .

ME: June 6 at 4:34pm I think you're helping him along in the idea that he doesn't want this relationship, and I think you also made it "clear" to him that I'm "controlling" him... did you ever think that maybe there was a second side to the story and you didn't know the whole picture? .

ME: June 6 at 4:36pm You want him to be moved on. You need to back off and let me save my family. But then, based on your own experience, walking away did wonders for you, right? . {NOTE: OW left her H without attempting reconciliation and moved in with her family. She feels she is "cinderella" at their beck and call and they never help her with anything.}

ME: June 6 at 4:48pm H will miss his daughter very much. I will miss H very much. H and I have problems we need to work on, yes. But he still cares for me, and having a family stay together is more important that taking it apart. He thinks he's tried because he feels I didn't listen to him. And now that I understand that, you are there to tell him he has somewhere to go where he doesn't have to do any hard work himself. I want my husband and my family. I'm sorry you hate your life, but that is no reason to latch onto someone else who has other commitments.

So does anyone know where I should go from here? Besides getting out of this house and into my own? I'm working on that....

Oh.. forgot to mention, I also posted my own status update on facebook. A very generic comment about how some women need to stay out of other people's relationships and find guys who aren't already married.

H lost it because, according to him, he didn't need any harrassment from my family. I told him that #1, they won't harrass him because they'll talk to me if they have questions, and #2, why should I worry about reactions to my post when he was the one who made the decision to have an affair before our marriage was through?

And his sister "liked" my comment. I know he is ticked at her now. I didn't mean for that to happen because I knew his sister was trying to stay neutral, but she kinda jumped in without me knowing she would. Feels good to have her backing me up though.

You know, for some, stirring the pot and rocking the boat works! I know it isn't DB strategy but I love how you let the OW know that your H is lying to her!

Gee it will be interesting to just sit back and do nothing for a bit. Seriously! See what happens in the next few days!

That's what I am planning to do as long as I can keep my emotions in check. Even though I kinda lost it the past couple days, and was very vocal in my feelings, I still managed to edit my words enough to not intentionally inflame the situation (most of the time). There was a time I'd have said every hurtful thing I could think of just to say it because I was hurting so bad.

I posted over in the infidelity list. Allen A posted that I need an exposure script. I'm definitely going to do my best to make OW's house a hornet's nest of problems for H so he can't see it as a "stress free zone" anymore.

Today was overall ok. After H got home last night, I kinda flew off the handle a little bit again, which I swore to myself was something I wouldn't do. But I got in a shot about what I thought of a dad who spent all day at another woman's house while his three yr old was at home asking for him all afternoon. He went to bed and I told him to put DD to bed, too, since he hadn't been there with her during the day. He complied and I decided to go to the rental. It took a while to get to sleep, but I slept surprisingly well.

Today, I got up and got a LOT of cleaning done in the kitchen. It looks almost liveable! If I can keep this up, by the end of the week, I will definitely have a clean enough house for DD to come to... and she asked multiple times today if she could.

I also got a surprise email. I have my info listed on a state job bank and got a request to turn in an application at a very well-known company. YAY!

So, I had to run to other house to print the application. H was there and was civil, and even tried to get me laughing at jokes and stuff like the past two days hadn't happened. Sorry, but they did. I was polite, but very stand-offish. DD was all over me, and was very upset that she couldn't come with me. I think H felt like dirt about that. I just hope it eventually adds up to him realizing what he'll lose before it's too late.