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Yes, I know I cannot shoulder all the blame. I am trying to not do that. I am also trying to understand that her catatonic state could be the blame game. She is acting like I am kicking her out of the M, instead of visa versa. That is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. She even suggested off handily last night that I had ruined her life. Nope, not going to buy into that one.

I need to take a break from all this. I leave on Monday for 3 weeks of work. The break will do us all good. I hope she uses the time for self-reflection. If she uses all the time with the OM, then she is making a clear choice (if she has not already). I hope to be NC for that time. I will be interested to see if she even contacts me.

Hi.

My sitch and yours seem to match each other.

I feel and understand your pain and self reflection.

Mind you, you have a bloody long thread and I haven't read through it all, but it certainly starts the same in the neglect on our behalf towards our R's.

Let me catch up....

Regards,
Gyn

W met with IC today. She has been virtually catatonic for 3 days. Unable to work, unable to think.

Hit me up with the cold details. Will be filing 2nd week of June. Her IC is in full support and encouragement mode. W anxiety is due to her uncertainty about her financial situation and living situation. She recognizes her lifestyle is going to take a major hit. Her IC wants her to move forward and get it done, just to ease her anxiety. W asked IC if she wanted to meet me and she said no way.

Told her the finances were no big deal. However, I have the feeling that the IC has convinced her that she needs to cut all ties in order to move on.

How is it, with so many friends and family in the real world, that I can feel so totally alone.

This thing needs to end.

I am feeling hopeless today. It is clear that W is going forward with D as a game plan to pull her out of depression and anxiety. D is what she is focusing on to pull her out of her morasse. She is so focused on it, that any sort of deviation from her decision means that she is failing in her goal of being strong and independent. There is no thought of reevaluating our R, the M is over, this is her only way forward, in her mind.

I see no way out. Easy to feel hopeless and discarded.

I don't know what to say AC, *hug*... sounds like another instance of when C's do more harm than good.

Abbey

Why? D is one way "out". Living your life and knowing you confronted the challenges as best you could is in itself an accomplishment. You didn't just give up when things got tough. That's easy to do as well.

If it doesn't save your M, then it's not for lack of you trying.

If you aren't successful at saving your M, then so what? You get back up, you dust yourself off, and you go on with your life and give thanks for all that you have learned and all the good things in your life.

You don't even have to be a Christian to understand that the things that test us teach us the most, and that we need to be thankful for what we learn from them because they make us stronger in the end so long as we get back up and go on living and being thankful for all the good in our lives, all the kind people who support us, and even the simplest pleasures along with the things that test us and give us more strength.

Thanks for your thoughts, TH.

I would feel better about the D is we had both tried to save it. As is stands right now, W is just discarding 19 years with barely a thought. I find that hard to accept. Hard to feel good about trying when it is a one sided attempt.

I know the feeling any chance? and I agree. It is hard for me to accept the fact that W never really gave us a chance this past year but that's in the past and I'm trying to move forward. best of luck to you!

YOU should feel good about what YOU did. You can't control what she does or does not do, and you have lots to be proud of.

(((hugs)))

PEI

Another conversation today. Seems as if we cannot go a day without one. Note she is starting them all, and I am being honest and up front in response.

Started out talking about jointly vs. singly filing for D, how she needs to get the process started, needs to feel like she is moving on.

Quickly progressed into the pain she feels about my PA 5 years ago and my covering it up. I have explained and apologized for my unforgiveable mistake many times, and will continue to do so. She maintains she can never trust me again. She could never reenter the M because of the lack of trust. The M is dead (to which I agree), but I have a dimming glimmer of hope about a new M with our new perspectives. She ignores the EA/PA she engaged in at the end of last year. She is unfortunately questioning everything about our M, wondering if it was all a sham (which is most certainly was not).

Is it ever possible to reestablish trust?

Evergything is such a jumble. She had asked for a D before the revelations about the PA. She has had a OM for most of the past 8 months, not sure if that is faded. She wants to move on the D now. But she talks about why she can't reenter the M - why is she even thinking about it. She is severely depressed and on meds that definately affect her stability. I am about to leave for 3 weeks, and plan on NC. I wish I knew what the right thing to do here is. Thoughts would be appreciated.