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I’m kind of sick of my thoughts and words at this point. They don’t make coherent sense.

Funny, my mind today drifted back to judging her for destroying our family; how dare she be distraught now, she’s brought it on herself. On all of us.

I’d like to be able to make a measured conclusion I guess. Hold her accountable without it coming from a place of anger; or be able to understand her without discounting my values regarding the family. Neither of those are going to happen, so I kind of want to stop thinking about it now.

I still can get into a place of shock that all this has happened.


Thank you for saying that. I find myself wishing that I was more graceful through this. More mature; more able to have measured responses or actions. To have said or done “more right” things. To have had more wisdom.

Well, I’ve said this to other people; at this point I guess it’s a matter of being patient with myself, and letting tomorrow come. There’s nothing to “do”.

I had a friend over on the MLC board who gave me good advice. No matter what you do, do it with dignity, grace, and honor. I think you have done an acceptional job of just that. Now, this doesn't mean you cannot get angry. We all do. It's what you do with the anger, the outlet you use that counts.

For me, I love saying Karma is a bitch. And let me tell you, she knows no boundary, color, religion, sexual preference, or gender.

You don't really have to "do" anything. Because in the end, it all comes back. It's not that we wish anything bad to happen to our spouses. Okay, to be honest, I am sure some of us do. But in reality, Karma is simply God's way of teaching that person a lesson. And trust me, if they don't get it the first time, God has much more patience that we do. He can keep doing this for a looooong time.

I know a female stripper named "kharma", she likes to find out stuff about people and let people get an unsuspecting victim "back". Are you talking about this kind of kharma, or the type thats real in that what you put out you will get back?

The "kharma" I know of is people causing trouble with people who don't know any better.

Random posting. Not a lot going on. Have the boys this weekend but mostly chores planned. Maybe I'll take them to a movie.

Last summer and fall I had a devil of a time sleeping, and have been taking Ambien and Klonopin (low dose) at night. Haven't had trouble sleeping for awhile, so tried to roll them back last night, and of course didn't sleep well. Woke up at 3:00 am like I used to. Feeling kind of crappy today.

Starting to get eager to get off the meds. The anti-D too. Would like to believe that I'm getting to the point where I can.

Mmm did have the urge to call XW last night, but didn't - if nothing else I can respect her request for this boundary, but also breaking and making habits.

Still just thinking, thinking. Continues to be the biggest fact in my life, and not many moments where I'm not thinking about it. Not particularly impatient, just observing myself.

And I'm freaking out of coffee. That's it, we're going by Starbucks before going to the vet. I'm off.

I've never had coffee in my life so I don't now how addictive it is ... but one thing I read is that coffee is anxiety in a cup. It amps you up sure, but it means you aren't relaxed.

CTH - ahhrrgg, now you've made me stop and think.

I couldn't say for sure or not if coffee is addictive, but I certainly find a distinct pleasure in it.

Last summer and fall when I was going through the thick of it, I was really falling apart. I became acutely aware of the ups and downs of my emotions; I was a wreck, and controlled that for awhile with Xanex (haven't had to take one of those for months). Had the sleeping problems for months, finally got that under control in probably Dec.

Anyway, I really had to cut coffee, because it had a big effect. I could tell pretty quickly after I'd had some, so learned fast that I couldn't have it. At least not much.

At this point I'm pretty much back to 3 large cups per day. Hadn't thought about it really. The good news is that it doesn't seem to be knocking me off kilter. The bad news is that I'm still taking sleeping meds, plus the anti-anxiety drug to help me sleep. Just as a matter of course at this point. That's kind of nuts.

So now that I think about it, I need to cut the coffee again. Thanks for the comment.

Thinking about XW today is like staring at a Necker cube. Just keeps flipping back and forth between missing her and being disgusted with her.

Worried about money with the support payments.
Feel kind of lonely but not overbearingly so. Occupying myself with the boys and lots of chores and projects.

Caffeine is a stimulant. But it is not addictive, at least not chemically. One can become psychologically dependent on its effects however. But that's true of many things, including things that are not truly addictive.

And caffeine has a different effect on different people. For most folks, it acts like other stimulants in its family of chemicals. It can, depending on one's biochemistry, cause anxiety and elevated blood-pressure.

But for some it has a soothing, calming effect. My S, S9, was at one time placed on Ritalin (it too is a stimulant), but exW eventually saw the error of her push to get him on that drug -- too many side-effects. The pediatrician suggested, instead, that S9 be given a caffeinated beverage on a regular basis -- the equivalent to a cup of coffee each day. I can say that it really does have an almost tranquilizing effect on him. People still look at me funny when I order him an occasional mocha frappuccino, but I just shrug my shoulders and smile -- it works for us.

So, it depends.

Really starting to worry.
I've always been a "live within my means" kind of guy. Really starting to realize how stretched thin the finanaces are going to be.

I stopped contributing to my 401k thinking that would help, but after making my status "single" and adjusting the deductions for withholding, I'm actually getting LESS take-home.

With the payments to XW, really starting to see there just isn't going to be enough monthy money. Really starting to get scared.

XW took the investments; I have a little bit of stock now from some shares that vested last month, and will cash out from the employee stock participation plan in August. But the next real bonus is next Feb.

Wondering if I will need to sell the house after all. Not that rent will be that less expensive, but some of the other costs will be - property taxes, electricity. This isn't good.

Hm wonder if all this worry is a result of reducing the anti-anxiety med.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. Need to look at turning off the home phone service, probably Dish and Tivo too... not sure I can get a broadcast signal here.

Yow, I feel your pain here. I am in pretty much the same situation with finances. Do you have any extra time for a part time job? I have gone back and forth on this issue myself.

Geronimo, in my sitch I gave up the house to my wife as she could better afford to cover the monthly expenses. My first priority was making sure my kids didn't lose their home, they'd already lost enough. I'm glad I did give it up! If I had of kept it I would have been living on puffed wheat and had no money for anything else at all. That's a worry I didn't need. So, bottom line is that if you choose to give up the house it's not the end of the world. I got a nice chunk of money from my wife who had to buy me out. Now, of course, I don't know in your sitch whether you'd come out ahead monetarily but don't hold onto the house if it's going to kill you! If life would be financially easier by renting elsewhere then seriously consider it.