Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Please help - feeling so desperate - need advice

Thanks dburt,
Yes - I have totally changed my tune on the hockey and have been completely supportive - even buying him some extra private training sessions as a gift. I'm so shocked that there are now two people seeing our interaction as positive. I guess I must perception must really be skewed. Thanks for your perspective.

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Weird - dburt
I posted a reply but it never showed up? I find this board a bit confusing.

I do support him in his new hobby for sure - definitely one of those things I've really turned around in the past 6 weeks.

My question to you is - can you be explicit about what you see as positive? I'm having a hard time seeing it. All I see is that he doesn't want to work on getting closer and from there I'm not sure how this will ever get resolved. I certainly don't want a divorce but I also don't want to live with my husband as roommates.

A

He is still there, lay off bigtime with him, a holding pattern is a great way to show him the great changes you are going to make. How was your sexlife, was he the initiator or you?

Start to learn to think before you react, do not mindread so much, act as if nothing is wrong and see where this takes you.

Burt

OK Burt,
I do try to layoff but it's hard sometimes when my feelings get hurt and so I get a little edgy but typically get over it quickly. No sex life for a very very long time so that's pretty dead - way b4 the bomb. My husband is an unusual man - if he feels no emotion for me he will neither initiate nor respond to any sexual advances so I don't touch that issue with a 10 foot pole.

I do spend a great deal of time acting as if all is fine but then I have that nagging feeling that it's not fine at all. He's just happy we're not arguing and could presumably stay in this holding pattern indefinitely but that's not what I want. I don't think he sees the damage this will do to our kids in the long run and my fear is that the longer we are in the holding pattern the farther out of reach a reconnection will be.

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Hi fudwoman, thanks again for commenting on my thread. I've read this thread of yours and skimmed your old one and I can see a couple similarities in our sitchs. Lack of emotional and physical intimacy and definitely anger on my part. My anger was one of the problems I'd asked my therapist to help me resolve.

My question to you is this - when you get angry, what does it tend to be about? Are there particular events that happen before which you find yourself getting angry?

Sorry I'm talking in a bit of a circle! The reason I ask you that is this: The thing that really surprised me... actually made my jaw drop ...was that my therapist said she didn't think I'd be having all these angry outbursts if I was feeling supported, loved and connected in my marriage - the place I was supposed to feel the most supported of all.

She asked me to track the times I got angry, and to notice the events of the day or two before. You know she was right. Every time it happened I realized there'd been a issue that had come up between us, that I felt he'd been unfair about, been disrespectful, dismissive or unsupportive. Further, I'd also not stood up for myself about the particular situation. So in my case, the anger wasn't the problem - it was a symptom.

As soon as I started asserting myself, the times I'd have these angry outbursts soon started to dissipate. It still happens and I now I try to use it as a bit of a 'barometer'; it helps make me aware if there's something I'd been feeling badly about that I hadn't discussed with my H.

I think you said you'd been in therapy for a long time regarding your anger? Sorry if I'm confusing this - so I don't know if any of this even feels like a 'fit' for you, or if you could use it. If not, perhaps it might help you to share with me if there's something in particular you tend to be angry about? I'm happy to 'listen' if you feel it might help. Take care, PG.

Hi Prairie,
Thanks so much for responding. I'm happy for any input. I have been in therapy for a long time but I have to be honest - my anger is not caused by my husband. I have been emotionally abusive to more than just my husband. When I read the specifics of the work of Steven Stosny which Antlers and Bridgestone have graciously pointed me to I see absolutely myself in those descriptions. I do believe my husband has his part in our dynamic - by definition that must be so but I have a real problem that I need to resolve. I am just so sorry that I may have to lose my marriage in the process. My h is truly a great guy. I don't think he is behaving particularly well right now but I also understand he has been deeply hurt and this may not be resolvable. So that's my scoop. I do understand what you are saying about your therapist and it certainly not that what she says has no merit but remember she's not looking at the dynamic between you - she's just looking at you. If your goal is to change the dynamic that's a different perspective than if your goal is to change him or if your perspective is that no change can really occur unless it happens on his end. Do you know what I mean?

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It is a great day to change for the better!

Burt

I too see the chat as positive! Now BACK OFF!!!! I didn't do this in the beginning and it set me back. Work on you, on being the best person, mom, friend ... woman that you can be. Read, read, read! I read DR twice before I really started to get it ... and I loved How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

And remember that change can always occur ... if you change, he has no choice but to change how he reacts and responds. You can't control him or his feelings or his behaviour but you can certainly influence them with your own.

This takes time. And I think that is part of what sucks the most.

Hang in there ... get really real with yourself and stop having expectations ... I promise it gets easier ...

PEI

Hi PEI,
I read through your whole sitch finally today. Wow - you have been through the ringer - amazing the way these stories have their twists and turns. I'm doing OK - had a not great morning where my feelings got hurt because H asked me a question then got called out of the room by D4 and then never returned. I asked him why he never came back and he said - sorry just got distracted. Before I left for work I said sorry I didn't sleep well last night (true) and am feeling sensitive - that of course I knew that he didn't intentionally walk out on our conversation.

The good things about today though - I called a good friend of mine (M - my ex boss) and he was very supportive. He's on his third marriage. I really value his opinion and he didn't judge me at all. He said - 'you like to solve things - and solve them NOW' but that just isn't going to happen in this case. He offered to be there for me and that made me really happy. I feel very alone in this with few people to talk to besides my IC. I have told exactly 4 friends and 3 of them have basically been unavailable for various reasons lately and so that really makes me feel out there on my own. I need help with perspective A LOT - which is a big part of the reason I have started coming here.

Also today I connected with Dr. Stosny's asst. to find out more information about the upcoming boot camp in July which I intend to attend. I wanted to make sure it would still be valuable even if my H did not attend. I have not invited him to come and frankly don't really want him there. I'm not looking at the bootcamp as an opportunity to work on the marriage but an opportunity to work on me and my anger issues. We'll see.

That's it for now.

Whoot Whoot - Just figured out how to link to my original thread - I feel good about that!

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