My heart goes out to you based on your recent post.
You might want to have a really blunt discussion with your husband. It sounds like your husband is saying that the marriage is over and he wants it to be over and wants to try to end as friends.
You sound like you really want to save your marriage. I know I have seen other places how one should handle this kind of situation, but they haven't been on the SSM forum. You might contact some of the WMD staff or some of the posters in the Newcomers section about what to do or include in such a discussion and which forum is focused on your issues.
If were in your shoes and my spouse wanted either a trial separaton or divorce, I might tell them that I would contest a divorce, but allow a temporary separation on the condition that we both agreed to counseling and certain other things. I might say that I would need the counseling to learn to let go without anger and that my spouse probably should also get counseling so that if there is ultimately a divorce they will emotionally be in a place where they can handle future relationships. I would want my wife (or possibly future ex-wife) to be happy without me.
That desire by your husband to "end the relationship" has to hurt you to the core, it would me if I were in your shoes.
There are other forums on the MWD website devoted to other aspects of marriage busting. It sounds to me that you might get better advice on one of those other forums from people who have a Walk Away Spouse or a Mid Life Crisis Spouse. Your husband has emotionally left you and has no apparent desire to come back.
To me that is a different issue than a husband who is just not sexual enough for you, but committed to the relationship. They are related, but different in my mind. My wife was still committed to our relationship, and so I was lucky it was "just sex," even though it was a lot more of a relationship problem with sex being the tip of the iceberg.
There are some stories in other forums where even after divorce papers are filed the marriage can be saved. In fact there are stories of calling a spouse's bluff by filing divorce papers first and in effect using reverse pyscology to get them to work on saving the marriage. Those are kind of nuclear last ditch tactics that I would be afraid to deal with, but they have worked for others and there is a logic to them.
You might even want to invest in some WMD telephone counseling to see which one would be best for you and get some advice on 180's that might emotionally get to your husband.
My advice would be to do everything you think you can do to save your marriage that is consistent with your integrity and your emotional/physical health. GAL, as you have been suceeding at, is very important.
Ultimately. your marriage will survive or end based on what your husband decides to do or not do. Unfortunately none of us can control what happens in the mind of our spouse. So in GAL make sure you realize that it is not totally or even mostly your fault if the marriage ends.
Also don't allow yourself anger or contempt toward your husband as he will likely see those emotions within you.
Not getting sucked into a fight is very hard when someone is emotionally hurting you, but it is a critical life lesson to learn. Anger directed at others is an emotion that has in the past ultimately hurt me more than the people who have caused my pain. I have done some really stupid things while I was angry.
Bless you and good luck to you. I am sorry for your pain and your fear.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
It doesn't just sound like it, he said to me directly that it's over but he wants to be friends.
I can't remember ever hurting this bad.
As you can possibly see, it's 4 a.m. and I'm awake on a work night writhing because i feel so alone. I can't sleep, I can't stop crying, I have no one to talk to and I hurt so incredibly bad.
I can't take living here and knowing he's in the next room. It doesn't matter how much I GAL, as long as I come back here (where I live) at night, I feel incredible pain and longing.
I just spent 5 hours out on the town with my friends and felt fine the whole time. I felt like I could move on. I felt good. As soon as I got home, I couldn't handle it. This whole place we built together. Everything reeks of him. But he is off limits, probably forever.
I feel so sad lonely and desperate it's embarrassing. I actually crawled into bed with him while he was sleeping. I just wanted to cuddle, and not feel so scared and alone. At first it seemed like he didn't mind and I was falling asleep about 20 minutes later he wakes up and seems pretty mad that I was in his room.
I feel like such a creep.
I have gotten through breakups before in previous relationships, when you don't live together, you don't know where they are or what they're doing. You just face the fact you can't see him, cry about it and move on.
I stayed away for 2 or 3 days, at a friend's house, and thought i was making some progress in healing, but when I came home I got flooded with emotion.
What's worse is I've always had my cat to comfort me and offer me some kind of company when it's late and I can't call friends. But she just wants to sleep in his room. I brought her to my room when I got kicked out of his, but she just ran back in the other room. Story of my life.
It just seems I don't know how to deal with a broken heart like I used to.
You might want to read up on the steps of grieving.
In particular the loss of a relationship tends to involve and be healed by a grieving process. It sounds like from this post that you are grieving and getting close to acceptance.
There are last minute options to save a marriage discussed on other parts of this MWD website and she does have some books and advice on that topic that you may wish to investigate or you may just wish to move on.
In either event, bless you and good luck to you.
Work on GAL, as it will help. Exercise is a great way to fight depression,anger and a host of problems. What has happened is not your fault so don't blame yourself or punish yourself.
Again Good luck to you.
Last edited by Young at Heart; 05/21/1003:16 PM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I feel so sad lonely and desperate it's embarrassing. I actually crawled into bed with him while he was sleeping. I just wanted to cuddle, and not feel so scared and alone.
SA, although it's hard, it's critical for you not to confuse your feelings of being sad, lonely and desparate for feelings about him. Based on what you wrote in your first post and the ones that followed it, you were not thriving in this relationship. You felt sexually rejected from the outset and that had only increased over time. Worse, the prospects of it getting any better seemed dim.
It is incredibly hard to be rejected and left by someone. My wife has told me more than once that it would be eaiser for her to deal with my death than with my divorcng her. The former would make her incredibly sad, but it would not cause her to rethink the quality of our marriage, her own attractiveness and desirability, and so on. Rejection is really, really hard. It's no wonder you are desperate for him to "unreject" you. Try to remind yourself if you can that just a little while ago you were far from sure that he was the right guy for you.
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I have gotten through breakups before in previous relationships, when you don't live together, you don't know where they are or what they're doing. You just face the fact you can't see him, cry about it and move on.
My experience has been that the amount of time it takes to get over someone who rejcets you is equal to the amount of time you were together. (Unless you meet someone new, in which case you often get over them almost instantly.) I don't think there is any way for you escape the grieving process, but you *can* escape the feeling of wanting to be with him so much by moving on (and away) from him. I would try to expedite that process at all costs.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate your care and concern.
It's been really hard to accept that this relationship is over. It's doubly hard because he is my best friend too, and I don't have a lot of other friends since I'm sort of new in town.
I have had passing moments of acceptance, strength and optimism about my future, but the longing, hurt and concern for him keeps coming back every morning and night.
He slept somewhere else last night (the night after I got in his bed). I feel guilty because I have invaded his space and privacy. He retreats to one little room in this house and I find myself in there constantly when he's gone (the computer is in there, that's my excuse.) That's not fair to him either.
I feel like such a creep. I obsess about where he is, who he's talking to, if he thinks about me, misses me. I wonder still about this female friend of his and find myself driven to "find something," some evidence that the relationship is more than he says it is.
I just need to move out as soon as I can. I know I'll feel better afterward, but moving is going to be a very difficult, painful mountain to climb.
I just hope we can be friends after all this passes. He said he wants to be my friend and the sooner the better. I told him I didn't know if I could ever be friends, but perhaps that's something I can have to look forward to.
Oh, one more thing, my best girlfriend who has been so supportive through all this is also moving away in two weeks, which is before I'll be able to move, so I'm really feeling overwhelmed by the challenges ahead of me and not having her support as I get thorugh it.
I have had passing moments of acceptance, strength and optimism about my future, but the longing, hurt and concern for him keeps coming back every morning and night.
He slept somewhere else last night (the night after I got in his bed). I feel guilty because I have invaded his space and privacy. He retreats to one little room in this house and I find myself in there constantly when he's gone (the computer is in there, that's my excuse.) That's not fair to him either.
I feel like such a creep. I obsess about where he is, who he's talking to, if he thinks about me, misses me. I wonder still about this female friend of his and find myself driven to "find something," some evidence that the relationship is more than he says it is.
These are all perfectly normal feelings for you to have. Don’t get caught up in the trap of thinking that you should be doing something to make them go away. That will only increase your suffering. Life brings an endless stream of feelings, some good and some bad, and it is our job/privilege to experience/endure them all. Bit by bit, you will feel better. I guarantee it.
