Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

Ok - I am going to be brutally honest. The email sounds, ahem, bossy and controlling. IF THIS is what you are going for, then send away!

If you really want his input on how to see his daughter, then I would change the tone a bit.

What are your goals for sending the letter? How much involvement can he have with his daughter?

I really hope I didn't offend you Gatsby! I just am trying to help!

No, not offended at all! This kind of thing would be what I need to hear.

Okay, no, not going for bossy and controlling. Hmm. Maybe more questions than statements. Like "how often would you like to see her?"

My goal is to communicate what I'm thinking for the birth and after.

Boy, good thing I gave myself a lot of time for this. I'll keep tweaking.

OK so I totally put words in your mouth but just to give you an idea, some wording like what I suggested could come across as seeking his input and showing your boundaries at the same time!

Thanks, NM. That's actually very helpful.

Yeah, I've been thinking (of course) about what I had written. If I didn't have you NM, I would have sent it like that without realizing the hostility that was underneath the surface. I think that's how I can characterize myself through our separation: cold and a bit hostile. That's why I sent the friendly email (about Bill Murray) two weeks back and wrote back with a thank-you for the Mother's Day gift. Just today we had a little exchange about something on my credit card. My normal thing would just be to not write him back. Now, I'm trying to be more soft and light. Even though it is sort of strategy, that is how I would rather be as a person, as opposed to cold and hostile.

Anyway, now that we had this credit card exchange, I will probably write back something sort-of friendly. (He realized that the magazine was discontinued so he said he'd look for something else. I'll probably say thanks.)

In my case, it really is a 180 and he has responded positively to it so far.

At the same time, I still struggle with anger. I don't know if I can do stuff like this (be soft and light) for very long! I decided before and recommitted again today to really give this DBing stuff 'til the New Year. I need to really try so I don't have regrets later in life. (Even though my natural tendency is to just give up.)

Good on you NM and Gatsby for the rewrite. It does sound more calm and confident.
Wow it's tough to take 'the high road' ( as you will see over on my sitch, I've not been such a great example of this).
good to have a DB deadline, G.
So when are you gonna send the email?

Hey P! Not until the weekend. Or later. Not sure. Will try to let the universe tell me a good time. (Told you I believe in signs, NM!)

When I wrote him back yesterday, I did mention a bit about the baby. It's the first time I have talked about the baby to him directly since Jan. (In Feb, we were talking about R, not the baby.)

I said that I read Goodnight Moon to her every night and I think she likes it. Then smiley face. That book was part of the gift he sent last month.

So I'm hoping that he will be encouraged to talk to me about her from that. But probably not much. My expectation is a line. Something like, "glad to hear it" in a detached way. We'll see what happens!

He responded well. Said he was glad she liked the book, he's going to try to find a good magazine for me, he also wants to give me the vanity fairs he gets, and he hopes school is going well and thinks about the kids often.

It was almost like he was asking me how work was, but I don't think I'm going to answer as if he did. That was enough email communication for now.

Gatsby, good to hear he responded well to this last email but he still has a bit of work to do, doesn't he?
I have been thinking about your next email to him.... Surely he knows the baby is due in 4 weeks. Given that you have already opened the door a little to communication, why not just sit back and let him approach you about 1. the name, 2. when he can see her an 3. how often he wants to visit afterwards/coparenting ?
My feeling is he must be really wondering about #1, #2 --- and #3 he probably has no idea about yet but might have a better idea once he has met your baby.

Could you imagine just letting him contact you when he is ready?
You are in a very powerful position right now. It's an opp to make him work a bit harder if he wants to know your child. (just thoughts of course!! and i'm so clearly influenced by my sitch where i tried to include WH a bit more and I just got a pretty rude reality check. until the baby is born, fatherhood means nothing to my WH, imo. Could be different for yours though!).

Hey P. You're right-- he still has work to do. I was just thinking this morning that it was really interesting that he basically asked about my kids at school, but he didn't ask anything about her. He could have asked did she move a lot, or whatever, really. So I think it shows that he's not "there" yet.

Yes, I would like him to contact me. I will sit back, but I think the longest I can is two weeks! I'm coming up to 37 weeks on Friday, so I feel a bit of urgency.

But I totally agree that it's best if he approaches me. I also feel like it's rather awful to not discuss the name before she's born. I'd like for him to feel some ownership. But, I may not get that.