Had an ok weekend. Because I made a comment a week or two ago regarding H's lack of having kids 1/2 time as he professed to be doing - he has made sure that he has them every other night. In a way I enjoy my time alone, but in other ways, it really irritates me that the three of them are over there in my "Dream House" and I am alone in the other house.....Saturday night was prime example, I got teary-eyed for a minute when they were leaving to go and he saw it (damn, I HATE for him to see me cry - I have noticed that when I do, he immediately "shuts down" and gets out). So after I spent a few minutes feeling sorry for myself, I decided to go shopping to Sam's Club. I rarely get to really just browse and look at all of the junk that nobody else in my family is interested in....so while in there they called on my cell phone looking for me to see if I wanted to go eat with them....told them no, thanks for calling, but I was out and about....so I did feel better about things...
Sunday, more of the same....H called sunday night and was a bit grouchy - I asked him about it in my best DB way and he said "I am just tired - sorry"...so I tried my best to attribute it to "itchy butt syndrome...."
Heading home tonight to do my flylady chores - kids gone again tonight...
Just wanted to say that I had bad PMA day and would really liked to have called H and let him know everything I need now, but then I had a chance to read some posts here and was brought back down to earth and realize that "it wouldn't bring me closer to my goal...." ...so back to DB it is...
Have I mentioned that my number one goal is to go on a date with H? I think he in a round about way asked me on Friday night, said something like "I want to go to a movie, but nobody to go with..you aren't available because you have to pick up D8"....
so still actually waiting for a real live date.
I think I need to appear like I am not waiting for one...ok, cupcake act as if, get a life, paint the living room, unpack rest of boxes, exercise - you know the drilll.....
Was thinking about the holidays approaching and H asked about thanksgiving a few days ago...I told him my folks had plans this year - doesn't really bother me. He made out like they were letting me down by not being there for family (they have plans with friends this year)...I was thinking - HUH????? and you are concerned with your family?
This got me to thinking...I feel like I don't have anything to be thankful for this year - lets see... This year's events: 1. lost my husband 2. lost my best friend 3. lost my soul mate 4. lost my pride 5. lost my dignity 6. lost my self-confidence 7. lost my sense of security 8. lost my dream home 9. lost my kids every other day
and on, and on, and on.....
Woke up this am thinking - I can't take this anymore...then I went onto the Match.com website to check out a co-workers profile (she just joined) and read some of the ads...and got very depressed....I DO NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE AGAIN...UGGGGHHHHHH.
SO......This has renewed my DB spirit for now. But I do think I need to be bit more mysterious....gonna follow KML's advice given to Cathy on her thread the other day. Need to get a Tom Petty CD....will Sheryl Crow work - just got her new one and it is very good.
10. Found Cupcake's inner strength (and there is more than I ever thought)
you still have two months of the year and you have achieved all of that one!
Sorry, I am not making light of your very justifiable down feelings. Just wanted to point to the silver lining of all this bad. I am sure it is not the way you'd have preferred to test your strength, but at least you got that with flying colors.
BTW, I do not think you lost your pride, dignity or self-confidence. You are actually testing their true meaning and strength. There is a difference between pride (= a reasonable and justifiable self-respect) and conceit (=excessive appreciation of one's own worth or virtue).
It is probably easier to lose oneself in a false sense of pride than to acknowledge the limits inherent to one's humanity.
Agree on the misterious bit. Unpredictable and reasonably inaccesible...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I can so identify with that list. And I too have peeked into the match.com world and I don't want to be there. But, opt has a great point, it is the inner strength you are finding that will get you through this.
This has to be worth doing for us. To make us the best we can be, and I really think you are well on the way to that.
Quote: Have I mentioned that my number one goal is to go on a date with H? I think he in a round about way asked me on Friday night, said something like "I want to go to a movie, but nobody to go with..you aren't available because you have to pick up D8"....
so still actually waiting for a real live date.
Well, Cupcake, you do know us guys fear rejections. We tend to try the backdoor approach ... test the waters before jumping. A reply like. "Let me see what I can arrange.", can leave the door open for him to be more direct with an invite next time.
Quote: I am a better person now post-bomb.
... and that is ... and something very important to be thankful for!! ... and because of your transformation, you're gaining the best chance you have to reclaim all that you "lost" and so all is not lost (and I, too, agree with Opt comments) and to have such a chance to turn it all around is something to be thankful for too.
If you approach the Holidays with your PMA in full force, you're more than likey be able to look upon them and afterwards back at them with a warm smile rather than dread.
Great post by opt. I was going to respond to your listing, but I think opt covers it quite well. H and I haven't been out on a date since last March, pre-bomb, I guess I might have to some asking.
Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "I'm grateful for becoming a better, stronger, and even happier person."
Don't know if this will help you, but I remind myself that the above is worth the hard work of this past year. Getting my husband back is just icing on the cake.
We tend to try the backdoor approach ... test the waters before jumping. A reply like. "Let me see what I can arrange.", can leave the door open for him to be more direct with an invite next time.
