We all have down times, but I think if you would get a more positive outlook on your R that you would believe in it. In the DR book it talks about this. "ACT AS IF", act as if you and your H will eventually be happy together, after awhile you will believe.
I must tell you that is my secret to how things have been going better in my sitch. I "act as if" H is only temporarily gone and that he will be coming home. It's working for me. Just taking one step at a time. I started saying~we and our, more. And now I'm acting as if we will be doing things in the future. It has a lot to do with your state of mind!
Try it, one step at a time. And quit putting up the walls! When you put up the walls YOU can't go anywhere!
I was full of doom and gloom, felt like my life was over, even contemplated suicide at one time. Then I turned everything over to the Lord. I prayed that it is in his hands, he knows what is best, and I prayed that his will is for us to be back together. although we are not back yet, we are much better off then just a few weeks ago. There are things you cannot control. YOU CAN control yourself and your actions. Be the person you want your spouse to be around, and proud to be seen with. You really know what the right things to do are, as we all do.
Kitti - I also agree with Deb - and the "Act as if" has worked for me too. I also say "We"; "us"; etc and always think positive and ignor the negitives. Cindy is responding well to that. look at my thread from this morning on what she said to one of her GF I can blame that statement on my acting "as if"
let's start with the "nothing i do can change things" - i do have this belief system in my head, and i think that is why i constantly try to CONTROL things so that i can fight this. i don't want to believe this - but no matter how i try in life it seems that this comes true. i do believe that i get so far in life and then i give up short of goal. i think this stems from how many times i have had to move in my life - never in one place long enough so that i can achieve any long term goals - including friendships.
so in reference to this relationship, i go back to believing that i can't change things. oh yeah, i see forward movement, but do i see a reaching of a goal? NO - that i can say quite honestly i can't. i see hubby and i not ending up spending our lives together. that is the ultimate goal i see (and probably self fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen) - i see that as the goal because that is how all my other relationships have ended.
i get jealous of people who have life long friends. i don't have any. i moved around so much that i never had a chance to develope anything like that. is that what i am trying to do with my marriage? hmmmm, this will take more pondering
let's deal with the second on "people never really change" - hmmm, this is a catch 22 for me. i look at myself and ask, have i REALLY changed? i cannot truthfully answer yes, because i feel so many of the same familiar feelings and by now i think i should be past it. now if i cannot change, how can i expect HUBBY to change?
but, have i really NOT changed? i cannot look at his objectively i believe. i guess this goes back to the thing about changing things, since i believe i can't change things, what makes me think that i can really change myself?
let's ponder on what sage said
a fundamental belief that i am lovable. ok, let's dig into this. anywhere i have ever been i have never had a difficulty in MAKING friends. i am a very friendly person, and i make friends easily. but in looking over my life, i do see that each time i had to move something mysterious happened with my closest friends. just before my move my friends and i would have massive fights. was this a preparation of me leaving and causing these fights so that i could better bear the brunt of hurt that comes from moving. if i left mad then by all means, i wouldn't miss them as much.
Hmmmm....
Do people change? I don't know what that means - we change every day, right? Moods, different thoughts in our heads, attitudes - not to mention what we learn. How we grow. This is a lot of change. But we're fundamentally the same person through our lives too. I think the biggest thing is what we learn about ourselves. A person may be stuck with themselves their entire life, but the more they learn about themselves the better their life might be. I'm not a different person than I was four months ago, but I've certainly learned a whole lot about myself which has made a whole world of difference.
KK, you remind me of my wife with this post - the control thing is huge. THe moving thing, the "livelong friend" thing - also issues with my W, and a source of sorrow. For W, this is also related to fear of abandonment, issues with letting herself be vunerable, fear of being hurt.
For myself, I'm learning acceptance of what is, I suppose, and enjoyment of the current moment. I try to control too, I worry about the past and future to a frantic level, I have expectations of people which complicates relationships, and have a tendency to withdraw. I'm learning to relax and look at the present moment, seperating out what matters vs what doesn't, what I can accept vs. what I can control. My counciler had me read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Toole which has helped me internalize this - again, typically not my cup of tea (kind of a spiritual / methphysical bent) but a fantastic book for practial purposes.
rjj - really no problem, didn't give it a second thought. i will be joining in again, just give me some time - it's really hard to do with the family hanging around
ll - so then how to find a way to re-learn or un-learn all this garbage that has allowed us to be self distructive instead of productive? - now there is the 64,000 dollar question. one to which i don't know the answer to as of yet. but still working on trying to find the answer
sage - what? a hijack on my thread??? LOL - pam had answered you about that book, but i can't remember where i saw it
deb - dang girl, do you know how much i miss chatting with you? yes, i am fully aware of the down days that we all have - and i am also fully aware of how much positive thinking plays a part in our sitches, it's just that sometimes it's a bit hard eh? altho, this time, i am glad i didn't take it out on hubby
opt - oh opt, i didn't even realize i was helping all that much, but i am glad i did. we all need a little help now and then eh? just having someone to talk to is sometimes all we need
elwood - thank you so much for the visit, and yes, i know your right about the acting as if. your sitch has certainly taken a 180 on it's own eh? and to think you are divorced and it's working out this way! i do have hope!!!
odga - your sitch is picture perfect, it's working out in all levels, and i am so very happy for you. thanks for the reminders!!!
bill - oh bill, you hit home with so much of your post. i have been tremendously SAD since i wrote all of that and i think it's more of "what the hell have i done with my life" instead of the sitch in general ya know? i have sat in this god forsaken house for the past week with deep regrets about different areas of my life, and not knowing what exactly to do about it. do i live with the sorrow until it's no more? do i have the luxury of taking this time to wallow in my misery and grieve with it until it's over.
the one thought that keeps running thru my head is something my mom always said to me "you don't have the LUXURY of being depressed - no one has that kind of time"
so snap out of it kitti, dang, i really wish that would work
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having trouble focusing on positives as of late, which is the main reason i haven't been posting. i have been keeping up on all the sitches tho, just feeling negative
i will do my best tomorrow to get back into the swing of the posting of positives. just trying to assimilate lots of junk
