Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

CK - just checking in...how are you?

Thanks for asking, ericmsant2!

I am doing ok, I suppose, although I am emotionally drained. My daughter left for a mini-vacation to Nashville today, and it's the first time since h left that I am alone. So far, so good. Although, I sure do miss being able to sit and talk and watch TV with my h. He was my best friend.

I decided to take out my frustrations on cleaning my house and doing a little yard work. While outside, I got pretty ticked off looking at all the work he has left me to take care of! While he's in his quiet townhouse with no responsibilities.

Last night while out walking my dogs, I had one of those eureka! moments. I remembered my husband telling me he left because he was afraid for his life. He said I kept threatening to kill him in his sleep. Besides the fact that I never said that to him, it's laughable that I would even be a threat to him. I'm not even 5' tall and can't even open up jars very well! LOL! I was standing outside gazing at the clear sky and stars and asked God where in the world did he get that idea? And all of a sudden I thought of his real dad. He beat him as a child, killed his pet rabbit in front of him, basically tortured him. I thought, it certainly wouldn't have been much of a stretch for that man to threaten to kill him. Of course, I'm not certain of that, but it's a closer possibility than anything else I can think of. Of course, I also realize it could just be something in his head and it never happened at all.

Tomorrow I am going to Columbus to meet with a counselor at a church to talk about all of this. The counselor happens to be my husband's ex-next door neighbor and childhood friend. He was also the best man in our wedding. When I called him, he was shocked that this had happened to us. Everyone is. We were the couple that had disagreements, but no one ever thought we would divorce. I am just hoping he can fill in the gaps in my husband's childhood that I don't know about. And, perhaps he can reconnect with my h and be there to support him.

Today in the mail, I received a statement from my attorney saying she needs $1300.00 by May 1st or she will have to drop me. Well, she might as well have asked for a couple of million bucks! I am still on unemployment; looking for a job, but not getting anything. My h was court ordered to pay me back the retainer I paid, but I only paid half of it. I have been giving her whatever he gives me. I sent him a text letting him know what the statement said, but of course have not heard from him. Don't expect to. I will have to call her tomorrow and see if I can work something out to get her paid. I certainly can't lose my attorney!

My bills are piling up and I am trying not to panic and just rely upon God. Even though He's always on time, I swear He's always late with His answers! LOL! I still have those twilight zone moments when I wonder how in the world I got in all this mess. And how even though my family and friends think it would be much easier just to hate him and move on, I can't do that. Even though I have no guarantee he will ever come back, I will continue to pray and wait out his MLC.


M 55 H 51
Twin Sons-30
D-28
M-32 T-33
Bomb/Moved out-11/06/09
Filed 11/04/09
Trial scheduled 11/08/10

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1972823&gonew=1

Amen to that......

CK

I'm glad to see that you are doing okay given everything that is going on. You should take some solace in this- you really are doing this although you may not feel that way some times.


yes the MLC rollercoaster will do this to you. Make sure that you are getting enough sleep and that you are doing things to keep yourself busy. The more you focus on HIM and HIS issue the more drained you become. So rest.


A normal feeling...dear...Just realize that YOU will get through this - you will.



Are you interested in comming to CT...I have a ton of yard work that would help with the fustration Just kidding..seriously thought it is good that you are "releasing" the fustration.


Yep --- but just know that ONE Day he will need to take responsibilities for HIS actions. No one knows when that day will come but I believe that one day EVERYONE will need to answer for there actions.



IMO...the counselor should be careful here. You do not want him to invalidate how your H feels. Remember the issues that your H has are HIS to deal with. There are no shortcuts...he needs to deal with them. YOu want make sure that the IC does not try and "push" or "convince" your H.

I am sorry to hear about the L and your employment issues. Right now I think you need to trust God and just take care of YOU. Believe Him...he will answer.

Eric

Eric,
I saw our friend/counselor today and he agrees that he can't get in touch with him right now. He asked me to tell my h that he said hello (if I talk to h) and maybe that will open the door for them to talk. But, if not, we will just wait for a natural opportunity without forcing the issue right now.

He was able to tell me a little bit about what kind of person my h was during childhood. I found out h has been depressed pretty much all of his life. He told me he thought he had a martyr complex from the time he met him. He said he did not get much encouragement from his home life and he also tended to put himself down a lot. He told me my h liked to stay to himself, especially if there was something bothering him. He said that by living next door to him he was able to see a lot, such as the interaction between his mom, step-dad, and grandparents and aunt, who lived right behind them. He said the grandparents were the kind that told you what they thought of you, regardless of it hurting your feelings. They were pretty matter of fact; not showing a lot of love. But, they did love to buy him things. Before his brothers were born, they bought him a lot of gifts. So many that my h has even told me he was robbed of the joy of yearning for a certain toy, bike, telescope, etc. He once told me that he learned to keep his desires to himself because whenever he simply said, boy, I'd like to have a new bike, he would come home from school that day and have a new bike.

Our friend/counselor also agreed with what I said about my h practically raising his 2 younger half-brothers. He said he was given a lot of responsibility and really didn't have much of a childhood.

What I found interesting was that he didn't know anything about my husband's real father or him being beaten. He told me that now that I told him that, everything fits together....h being quiet, likes to be by himself, insecure, low self-esteem, etc. He agreed with me that his real father did severe damage to my h and so did his mother. He was shocked that she knew this was going on, but did nothing until he was 5 years old. I told him it sounded like a typical battered wife syndrome. And, since they literally escaped in the night, this was definitely where my h learned to run when times got tough.

So, I didn't really get any magic answers today. But, I suppose I did gain validation that what I have been thinking is pretty much right on the money. Of course, now we all just have to wait and pray that my h will realize he needs help. And, that is what is soooooooo hard for me to do!!!! LOL! Staying away, not talking to him, or trying to help him or "fix" him is like sitting on my hands or taping my mouth shut. (Which probably isn't a bad idea!)

Have you ever heard of anyone going through MLC when they have been depressed most of their life?

I know someone out there has an answer to this question.

How do you deal with friends and family who tell you to just move on and don't try to save your marriage?

I realize they are doing this because they don't want to see us in pain and they think this is the only way to shield us from that. But, I am finding it harder and harder to talk to people when after telling them I will not give up on my husband, they look at me like I'm nuts. Or I get the look of the "poor soul, she's so lost right now and isn't thinking straight."

I admit that I am really struggling with GAL. It's hard to do when I've been married almost twice as long as I was single. I re-read some threads today and found a book recommended that I'm going to order from Amazon; The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

This was the first time I've been alone in the house. My daughter went away for a few days but is coming home today. I am so thankful she is still living at home with me. I would be a total basket case if I was alone all of the time. Even my dogs look at me like I'm pathetic!

So, I guess I am just going to have to force myself to put one foot in front of the other one, right? When what I really want to do is go back to bed and put the covers over my face.

CK
Are you part of the CK group in your area given your name and all? Your family is worried about you and that is why they tell you to move on. Moving on does not have to mean giving up, getting a D or dating. Tell your family that you appreciate the concern but it is your life and your m. It is important though that you show them the stength that you have. It takes more strength to stand through this whole mess.

GAL is hard for all at first and there are many who have come through here that were married a long time. You take it one day at a time, one step at a time. It will get easier. Don't let any one defeat you not even your husband. You have one life. You decide how you are going to live it.

It's the quiet times that hurt the most. That's when ghosts come out. But you know what? They only stay as long as you let them.

Everyone that told you that you cannot change him, was right. You cannot. I'm in a similar boat and I think we left the paddles on the floor. <G> They are there, but we haven't used them yet. I know why, but I haven't figured out why not.

You are doing very well. It's stressful and if you do not back off, you will get sucked into the craziness. I did. Not good. Wore me out. I stopped fighting the divorce. Does it matter? Not to her. But it's not about me. I know that. You seem to know that as well yet you want some answers. I feel that pain. I do.

Your friends? They really don't want to see you hurt. Best way is to not say too much about it. Come up with a story and stick with it.

Stay sane. Forgive and understand

AJ

AJ! Don't i know you?

Yep

Been a while, but now that I'm going through a divorce I thought I would start posting a bit again. It's been a wild ride and now that I'm stepping off I'm seeing things very differently than I did before. The ride ended, when the mc and the pastor both told me she was done. She spoke to the mc and the mc told me that she has moved me into the role (in her mind) of FIF (formerly intimate friend). The W subsequently asked me for separation/divorce and we're putting the house on the market as of tomorrow.

I look back and don't regret what I've done to try and save my marriage. I do realize that I tried to change me when all along the problem wasn't with me. The mc tried to tell me that, but I wasn't willing to listen. Everyone told me really good advice (except for the 'have an affair' advice, but that was me - I didn't do it though %-) ).

It really came down to I wasn't willing to admit what was happening, but essentially she never came back from the nephew's funeral.

Now that I look back and realize what a monster she has been, I realize that I cannot live like that anymore. I've started moving on. It'll be quite the journey I'm sure, but have to do it whether I want to or not. To tell the truth, the relief has been great. The excitement is really intoxicating...

Sorry to hijack the thread. How are you mindfull?

AJ