Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Not sure I can deal with H's MLC anymore

Hi mb28...I think I have read some of your posts when I was over in newcomers...sorry to see your H has filed...mine too. It is a little different over here...btw, your Aunt sounds like a very smart woman!

This is something you have to stop.

There is a thread around here (help someone) about stopping controlling behavior, learning what you can control, etc…Lost for Words actually wrote the post I’m talking about…

Right now, you can only control yourself…

So that is where you start the work…

Looking in the mirror…

Have you ever detached and gone NC with your H?

This is the first thing that you need to learn how to do. You need to give him space and you need to stop trying to fix him, or interact with him.

Space and time ......yes

Although NC would help immensely.....

NC with a D9 and S6 is difficult if not impossible...

They aren't old enough to form their own relationships yet...


THAT door HAS to stay open....

You know how I learned to stop control issues? By posting on these boards... people would tell me "That sounds controlling" and I didn't even see it until I got the tubafore across the face. It really opened my eyes.

Thank you everyone. Only in the last month have I gone dark. I don't contact him for anything other then the kids or money. And that is when he started telling me he changes his mind everday. After a week or two of little contact, he starts trying to bait me into R or D talk. I didn't realize it so much before because I was always contacting him. But now I see the pattern.

However, on mother's day he stopped by to give me a present he had the kids pick out for me. I wish I would have just told him to leave it while I wasn't home. But I didn't and then I got all emotional and started asking him to spend some time with me and to see if we could reconnect, etc. And it just went downhill from there to where he told me he can now see asking me to wait is cruel. And that I need to move on and let go so I can heal. That is when he said he was going to file the D papers this week. I haven't heard from him sense.

He saw your pain and panicked. It's OK, you will be OK. You now know what NOT to do and what his response will be. Just go back to doing what was working and DON'T do what didn't work. Hugs

He is asking for space, I can hear it do you?
Don't be so sure that he will file, give him the space he is requesting and you never know what might happen. If you don't give him the space he probably WILL file.

I understand what Mach is saying about the kids but the more space you can give him, the better it is for you and him.

mb28...it is very hard isn't it being around them and not knowing what they are thinking or what the future holds.

Can you think of it (when you have to talk to your H) as you and your H are business partners and your children are your business? When you do need to talk "business" with him, it will be just about the kids/business and nothing else...no personal stuff...you don't talk about YOU at all...just the kids...nice and impersonal...

That should help you detach and not be emotional around him...tears seem to scare them!

MB, giving them space gives them a chance to think about what they're missing. You can't miss what's always there.

I agree with MH that your H panicked and probably perceived your emotion as pursuing.

Let this go and chalk it up as a lesson learned. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Go back to being as dim as you possibly can. Keep it to kids and finances and even then make sure it's something you truly need to tell him.

A confident, in charge of themselves person is extremely attractive, especially to a MLCer who is just the opposite. Remember though that you can only control yourself. Your H will have to deal with his issues himself.

(((Hugs)))