Those were the things I needed to hear. I've been here since last year, but I haven't posted before. I've been reading and watching very carefully though, trying to find similarities and taking advice from other threads. I have been in limbo for a long time, and I did focus strictly on myself and daughters, but the dynamic is now changing. My spouse communicates regularly and is showing basic affection again. Neither of us is looking or engaging in dating.
She was in an emotional affair at the beginning, and things were at their worst. She ended it for some reason last August and has been seeking out positive influences in her life. She's finally accepting me back into her life slowly, and I'd like to remain consistently loving and caring. The sexual attraction thing bothers me, as well as her, but I have to remember exactly what robx and sandi2 said: "No expectations!" and "remain consistent".
I saw a change in her, and my expectations changed. That is what got me into trouble. I need to get back to reading and reminding myself. This is so very difficult, but in the end, I believe it will all be worth it (regardless of the outcome).
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
Once the above scenario is created, how is it undone? I suppose you just detach and stand up for yourself.
It's undone by being honest with yourself and your spouse.
The shortest path between 2 points is a straight line.
You speak to them, sit them down, offer a heart felt apology for the crap that you are responsible for and you make it a real apology where you don't require them to forgive you, one where you attempt to feel what they were going through when you were busy doing your own thing, living on planet fruitopia and hurting them while they remained silent in this relationship hoping you would change. This is extremely important especially if you've done some serious stuff to hurt your spouse - this happens a lot in relationships, don't kid yourself. A heart felt apology where you spend the time telling them that you can only imagine how it hurt them when you were doing such and such and you never appreciated them when you should have.
You tell them that you are committed to improving yourself if you're a real slob and have done some really hurtful things to them. You be honest and tell them that change won't happen overnight.
You also tell them that even though you know you did a lot of horrible things to them (and don't make up things to appease your spouse, the apology you made previously is real if there are real problems that YOU are responsible for), you know what you did is wrong and you know that 2 wrongs don't make a right.
"You made me suffer all that time so now I'm going to make you suffer and we'll see how much you like it!"
The above is horrible.
You tell your spouse (specifically the one's that are in the affair or planning to have one) that they either commit themselves 110% wholeheartedly to working on fixing the marriage and repairing the damage that's been caused or they commit themselves to separating and divorcing.
LIMBO is a horrible place to be in.
A lot of the folks on these forums have been languishing in limbo for months, some maybe years and things only get worse in limbo, not better.
You stand up for yourself, pick a direction, be confident in your stance and say it like it is and if your spouse doesn't want to work on the marriage, if they want to separate and divorce and if they want to continue their affair(s), let them go because you can't do anything to stop them if they've made that decision in their mind to have an affair with someone else.
You can't talk to their family and have them convince your spouse to "do the right thing", you can't talk to their friends to get their support and have them talk to your spouse to hopefully change their mind, you can't make them feel guilty about staying in the marriage "for the kids" and you can't quote marriage vows like like "for better for worse" because those are just words.
If your spouse has decided to move on without you and with someone else, you cannot remain their backup plan just in case things don't work out with their affair partner - because if you do this and they come back to you when their first affair fizzles out, they know they can do this again to you in the future and they know you'll be waiting patiently for them to "find themselves".
You respect yourself enough to let your spouse go when you find yourself in this situation. I've said this a few hundred times on these forums but it never gets old, let go of the people who don't value you or the relationship they have with you.
This is just advice, in the end you will have to do what is necessary in your own life. You may be successful in rebuilding your marriage into something great and maybe you won't. There are no guarantees in life and you can't control what other people do or think, you can only control what you do and think and as far as I know, this is the only life you get to live so make sure you live a good life, something you can be proud of, something you can use as an example to your children if you have any so that they can grow up and develop into responsible & happy adults and live good lives also.
None of this is easy but it's definitely worth it in my opinion. You'll have to do what's best for you.
This is great advice. I think I will follow it
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
if someone told you that any of this was "easy" they would by lying, mind you "easy" is a relative term, it's possible that db'ing is easier for some than others.
This is a very tough process, I'll admit that it was difficult for me until I understood it, and for some people these principles and ideas just click while others struggle with the concepts, they don't understand why some things work and others don't.
Take for example a guy dealing with his WAW. She wants to leave him, she's cold, angry, bitter, disrespectful, and treats him poorly. Why do most guys default to buying gifts, dinners, begging, pleading, grovelling, promising to change, tucking their tail between their legs, taking abuse, etc in this situation? It's fear of loss, they're afraid to lose their wives and in their specific situations they feel like their spouse has so much more value than they have so they have to supplement their value by buying gifts, doing all the house work, paying all the bills, giving money, just to make themselves look better to a walk away spouse that is leaving them. This approach rarely works especially if the WAS is having an affair but the LBS will continue to do those things for months and years in an attempt to prove themselves worthy (for lack of a better word) to their WAS's.
Think about it for a bit, the WAS is leaving. In their minds, they've made the decision to leave. That's a lot of power that's being wielded by one person, a lot of control - that person is in control of the relationship because they want it the least. They view the LBS as unattractive (and not just in a physical sense but in pretty much all ways). So think about attraction. Will you make yourself more attractive to someone who has decided to leave you by doing things like begging, groveling, pleading, supplicating them with gifts, restaurant dinners, money, promises of change and any other thing you can fit under that umbrella? No, probably not. By doing these things you actually communicate to them that you are even more unattractive than they originally thought, you communicate to them that their decision to leave you was the right decision because look at the kind of person you are, you have so little respect for yourself, that you would beg someone to not leave you. That's reality, don't fight reality, observe it and use it.
Better to agree with them. Better to tell them "you're right things aren't working out, I hoped things would work out but apparently they aren't so splitting up the best thing for us, I don't want someone who doesn't want to be with me so I hope you're happy with them. I don't plan on moving out though so if you need help packing your things and moving to your new place let me know."
You don't act like a prick or an a$$hole. You don't punish them for wanting to leave you because being a "meaner" doesn't really spell "I love you", all it means is "I hate you because you don't love me anymore but if you change your mind I'll love you again" and thinking like that means you live on planet "fruitopia".
You work on you. You become the best person you can be for you and if you have kids, for them. You rediscover your individuality again, you reconnect with friends, you re-examine your life and find out where you've been shortchanging yourself. You can be friendly and civil to your spouse but get a real life, detach and move on. The WAS sometimes expects you to crawl into a dark hole, lie in the fetal position and be sad while they live a good life, this validates their decision about you, but if you do the opposite and live a great life, it usually forces them to 2nd guess themselves, "maybe I mad a bad decision, maybe he/she wasn't so bad after all, they're living a good life, they look happy, they're doing great, and me not so much so anymore or at least not as good as them, maybe this affair wasn't a good idea, it's not new & exciting anymore, this guy/gal farts a lot and snores loudly, my wife/husband was better than this..."
But then again this is all just advice, given freely, you're not forced to do anything, you have free will, you have the power of choice to do what you want to do. Whatever you do, lead a good, fulfilling, rewarding, responsible life, one where you're responsible for your self-respect, self-value and happiness.
This whole thing blows......I have this teenage female alien living in my house who resembles the women I used to love in appearance. I can't help falling into mysoginy a little. I have no idea how we got here
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
It's so easy to relate. Your spouse will eventually return to some semblance of the woman you used to know, but it's going to take a very long time. I continue to make mistakes, but I know I won't make them twice. Take each interaction and try to learn from it. I jumped the gun, and I know that won't do that again. Get back to my own life and enjoy. No kids tonight, so I'm going out.
Get a list of friends that enjoy going out and doing stuff. This will be a wonderful tool, and you'll really have fun. I have a FB page, but I don't have my spouse as a friend or any of her friends, but somehow they are seeing some stuff that I'm doing. They are interested in what's going on, although they will never let you know.
Last edited by AtTheEnd?; 05/13/1009:44 PM.
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
They are interested in what's going on, although they will never let you know.
I think the motivation might be wrong if you are doing it for them. Just my 2 cents. Now, my marriage is over, so take that with a grain of salt, but... I do remember how I got here.
I don't know how you get here before you know your M is over. That's a skill I do not have.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Oh, wasn't doing it for anyone but myself. I had no idea anyone was even looking at it. She never showed any interest in anything I was doing. I was just sharing with my friends and family, and then as I was picking up the kids, her friend mentioned my pictures on FB. I was taken completely by surprise, as I thought I had locked out anyone that wasn't a friend of mine.
How did they even know what I was up to? I didn't dwell, but it was surprising. Continuing with my own stuff, for me!
My advice to anyone in this situation, enjoy your single life while you have it again. Do activities, and enjoy friends. Have experiences that you otherwise wouldn't have had if you were your old self.
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
This whole thing blows......I have this teenage female alien living in my house who resembles the women I used to love in appearance. I can't help falling into mysoginy a little. I have no idea how we got here
yes it does at first, time for you to get a life and move on and have some fun and enjoy life, it's too precious to waste, waiting for someone to wake up from their WAW fog does blow but it doesn't have to, you have the power of your own choice, get out a bit, start enjoying and reclaiming that individuality, you can handle it.
