Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Well here's mine

so let me ask this - what does Barkley want? have you read DR yet (sorry if i missed that earlier - been reading a lot of threads today).

gman

just noticed the "hopeful nothing is going on" - again this is where you need to confirm (puppy would suggest keylogger and cell records to see the numbers she is texting), it will matter on how you approach the situation.

What is DR?

divorce remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis - aslo edited my post a bit above.

I reccomend you get a copy of this book and read away my friend if you want to try to divorce bust (DB) - do not let her see the book though, it is your play book.

Gman

Thanks for the advice....I will downlaod to my kindle this evening

did she always lock her phone or is this a new development?
why does she feel the need to lock her phone?
why does she feel the need to hide the contents on her phone?

Her attitude about being "so done!" is also a sign,
when the mental scorecard comes out and the WAS starts listing every grievance, a storm is brewing. They're usually not letting you know because they want you to fix things, they're usually letting you know as in why you're being "fired" from your job as husband.

Also be careful about her crap behavior and attitude and jumping through every hoop to make her happy and pulling "double duty" at home when you don't see her reciprocating, that's a formula for disrespect brewing. It communicates that she can complain and bully you around and you will submit to her will because you fear losing her and when a person knows this especially in the state that your wife appears to be in, they'll use that power and start taking advantage of the situation.

A healthy relationship is about reciprocation,
nobody will do everything for no reward forever,
how has she been reciprocating good behavior to you lately?
Has it been one sided? Is she angry because it feels like it was one sided for her for many years, if so, two wrongs don't make a right.

Is she open to counseling?

Yes...we are in counseling. It was actually her idea

Once the above scenario is created, how is it undone? I suppose you just detach and stand up for yourself.

[quote=robx]did she always lock her phone or is this a new development?
why does she feel the need to lock her phone?
why does she feel the need to hide the contents on her phone?

Her attitude about being "so done!" is also a sign,
when the mental scorecard comes out and the WAS starts listing every grievance, a storm is brewing. They're usually not letting you know because they want you to fix things, they're usually letting you know as in why you're being "fired" from your job as husband.

Also be careful about her crap behavior and attitude and jumping through every hoop to make her happy and pulling "double duty" at home when you don't see her reciprocating, that's a formula for disrespect brewing. It communicates that she can complain and bully you around and you will submit to her will because you fear losing her and when a person knows this especially in the state that your wife appears to be in, they'll use that power and start taking advantage of the situation.

A healthy relationship is about reciprocation,
nobody will do everything for no reward forever,
how has she been reciprocating good behavior to you lately?
Has it been one sided? Is she angry because it feels like it was one sided for her for many years, if so, two wrongs don't make a right.


I think this is a big part of it in her mind

? Please Share

It's undone by being honest with yourself and your spouse.

The shortest path between 2 points is a straight line.

You speak to them,
sit them down,
offer a heart felt apology for the crap that you are responsible for and you make it a real apology where you don't require them to forgive you, one where you attempt to feel what they were going through when you were busy doing your own thing, living on planet fruitopia and hurting them while they remained silent in this relationship hoping you would change. This is extremely important especially if you've done some serious stuff to hurt your spouse - this happens a lot in relationships, don't kid yourself. A heart felt apology where you spend the time telling them that you can only imagine how it hurt them when you were doing such and such and you never appreciated them when you should have.

You tell them that you are committed to improving yourself if you're a real slob and have done some really hurtful things to them. You be honest and tell them that change won't happen overnight.

You also tell them that even though you know you did a lot of horrible things to them (and don't make up things to appease your spouse, the apology you made previously is real if there are real problems that YOU are responsible for), you know what you did is wrong and you know that 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Anger breeds resentment.
Resentment breeds entitlement:

"You made me suffer all that time so now I'm going to make you suffer and we'll see how much you like it!"

The above is horrible.

You tell your spouse (specifically the one's that are in the affair or planning to have one) that they either commit themselves 110% wholeheartedly to working on fixing the marriage and repairing the damage that's been caused or they commit themselves to separating and divorcing.

LIMBO is a horrible place to be in.

A lot of the folks on these forums have been languishing in limbo for months, some maybe years and things only get worse in limbo, not better.

You stand up for yourself, pick a direction, be confident in your stance and say it like it is and if your spouse doesn't want to work on the marriage, if they want to separate and divorce and if they want to continue their affair(s), let them go because you can't do anything to stop them if they've made that decision in their mind to have an affair with someone else.

You can't talk to their family and have them convince your spouse to "do the right thing", you can't talk to their friends to get their support and have them talk to your spouse to hopefully change their mind, you can't make them feel guilty about staying in the marriage "for the kids" and you can't quote marriage vows like like "for better for worse" because those are just words.

If your spouse has decided to move on without you and with someone else, you cannot remain their backup plan just in case things don't work out with their affair partner - because if you do this and they come back to you when their first affair fizzles out, they know they can do this again to you in the future and they know you'll be waiting patiently for them to "find themselves".

You respect yourself enough to let your spouse go when you find yourself in this situation. I've said this a few hundred times on these forums but it never gets old, let go of the people who don't value you or the relationship they have with you.

This is just advice, in the end you will have to do what is necessary in your own life. You may be successful in rebuilding your marriage into something great and maybe you won't. There are no guarantees in life and you can't control what other people do or think, you can only control what you do and think and as far as I know, this is the only life you get to live so make sure you live a good life, something you can be proud of, something you can use as an example to your children if you have any so that they can grow up and develop into responsible & happy adults and live good lives also.

None of this is easy but it's definitely worth it in my opinion. You'll have to do what's best for you.