Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Introducing myself and describing my situation

I just made my mind up...I committed to it...and I meant it. I realized that it had never done me any good at all, my whole life. All it had done was cause me problems, and make things worse. I mistreated those who were most dear to me bacuase of it. I had underlying problems. I felt inadequate, unloveable, and powerless. I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling...I didn't even understand what I was feeling. I just know that the anger and resentment numbed the pain. I felt like I had to control/dominate in order to manipulate my environment and prevent myself from feeling the things I mentioned above. I vented on my wife and my children. I was wrong.
Stosny's book helped me to understand what was really going on. It was a process...but the committment remained strong. I did the work, and still do.
I wish it hadn't taken my wife leaving in order for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner to someone someday...but it did, and I am.

Hey Fudwoman,
welcome to our community here. You made a good first post! Congrats on being so open and honest, and willing to work on your anger issue. My own wife has an anger issue she has never worked on, and it's great to hear that you want to. I wish you the best.

Well Antlers - that's pretty darn inspiring - I recognize that I have a long way to go - and I also see that relationships are extremely complex and that what may look similar on the surface can really mask some stark differences. What I mean by that is that I'm assuming Bridge read my post and overlaid her own experience on it and I'm sure you did the same. There's nothing wrong with that - it's human nature - we try to extrapolate from what we know. The danger for me is that I can easily buy into others' perceptions which may have little to do with my actual experience. In other words - I can easily interpret both of your points of view to translate into blame for me. That's because at the beginning of this saga I thought everything was my fault but now I can see that, that is not the case. There is no question that I have to deal with my anger issues - like you they surpass my relationships with my husband and kids. Still, I think that however I've behaved in the past - it does not provide license for my husband to behave poorly toward me now. Each person is responsible for their own behavior period. This may all sound kind of cryptic but it references an interaction I had with my husband last night in which he was extremely rude to me. I didn't blow up or get angry I just removed myself from the room. He later (sort of) apologized - which means he said sorry but blah blah blah. Sorry should be sorry period - if you punctuate your sorry with the reason the other person's behavior prompted your reaction - that's not an apology. In any case, once again I am responsible for my own behavior in response to his behavior. What I'm struggling with now is trying to show respect for myself without indulging my anger. It's very tricky for me. Not sure if what I've written makes any kind of sense to you. In the end, I just need a space to get my thoughts out and here it is.

A

Yeah, I understand where you're coming from.

We've got to value and respect ourselves enough to let go of other people who don't value or respect us.

'Reacting' is giving the other person control of ourselves.

I'm someone whose life and family were torn apart by anger, resentment, and abuse...on my part. I thought I might be able to help you, in some small way, and I hope I have.

I agree with you that every situation is unique. CityGirl posted this on another thread today and it struck a cord with me because I know firsthand that no truer words were ever spoken..."There is no quicker way to kill respect, love and attraction then resentment. Once resentment starts it is very easy to build and as the resentment builds the love/respect diminishes quickly. In my experience once resentment builds many other issues that were once tolerable become intolerable to the spouse who wants out." - CityGirl

Antlers - thanks for posting both replies - I completely agree with you. I find I have to monitor my thoughts very closely and that is one thing that I believe my meditation is helping me with at this point. I also downloaded the HEALS program and have the fantasy - not sure it will be feasible - that I can attend Dr. Stosny's bootcamp in July. We'll see. Today is a better day.

I do appreciate all of your input. For what it's worth, you sound like a very kind person and I'm sure that all of the healing that has emerged as a result of the eruption of your marriage and family will ultimately yield many many rewards.

A

Hi!

Just wanted to say congrats for your honesty regarding your anger issues and your willingness to look within yourself for strength. If I've learned anything in the last few months here it's that all relationship issues are two sided and I am grateful for having found my way off the 'blame train'. It's far too much of a chicken and egg game for me, and I've really bought into the theory behind solution-oriented problem solving.

If I might, I'd recommend you read Divorce Remedy, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, This Isn't The Story You Think It Is (Laura Munson) and the 7 Princples by Gottman. Reading has given me insight and perspective that I wouldn't otherwise have found ...

The other thing that has changed my life in the last few months is gratitude. Check out a thread called 'Feeding the White Dog' for examples. Living from a position of gratitude has been transformational for me. Really, there are many who would love to have your sitch ... he's still in the house and able to witness your growth, you have your kids full time, etc ...

And, of course, the tips I give everyone .... eat well, sleep well, exercise and breathe ... meditation, yoga, deep breathing ... all so good for your own PMA!

Hang in there ... focus on you and become the best woman, mother and friend you can ...

(((hugs)))

PEI

Right on track, Fud.

It's easy for us to accept all the blame, as we try to figure out how to save our marriages. And it's important to accept our part in the breakdown in the marriage and make the needed changes. Again, kudos to you for acknowledging right away about your anger issues. Still, it's important not to beat yourself up, and accept blame where it's not due.

You sound so much more clear-headed than me!

So, how is your anger management going? I know that you told your husband that you were going to deal with it. He's is likely to believe more in action than words, and I'm sure it will take time. What are your plans so far?

Thanks so much for your support PEI - it means the world to me right now. In fact I'm trying to really marshal my supports. Not really telling a lot of folks I know which makes it lonely. I had the bright idea of trying to find a support group on Meetup. Thought wouldn't it be great if there was a DB group in person!! But no such luck. I did find a red tent women's group in my town though and that looks good. Will keep poking around for other options.

I am in the middle of reading DR but have to slow down on the books. I work full-time+ and have 3 young kids so my time is very limited.

I do understand that relative to some others my sitch isn't horrible but it still feels bad to me. This does not mean I'm not grateful for what I do have in my life right now. It's just hard for me to not go into fatalistic thinking. I wish I could say I've been taking great care of myself - so so - but I do meditate everyday and of that I'm very proud!!!

Glad you've been able to come some far yourself. You are an inspiration!

A

Hi Awoken,
Thanks for the validation - much appreciated!


You sound so much more clear-headed than me!

Trust me - I have my moments!!!

Anger management is a process. I have been meditating every day for 6 weeks. I am slowly (very slowly) working through a book called the Anger Control Workbook - with my therapist and I have downloaded and listened to part of the HEALS program by Dr. Stosny. I'm hoping to be able to attend the boot camp in July. They are recommending my husband attend as well and I'm very ambivalent about that - first not even sure he'd go - second while I hope this will make our marriage better I'm really doing this mostly for myself and our children so I am confused. Have asked that someone from the bootcamp call me so I can discuss my situation. Haven't gotten the call yet.

So that's about it - thanks so much for asking!

A