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Well,emailing a business note to your X in the presence of your new GF can't be any harder than tapping out love notes to the GF while lying in bed with your partner of 23 years. He managed that just fine.

First, it sounds really smart to start working on the relationship things with friends. Letting down one's guard is sooo hard to do (one of my problems too) but it starts slowly with admitting your true feelings about something personal. I have started and my friends have been shocked saying they always wondered about such and such but I never brought it up.It made us feel closer--intimacy building, duh!

Changing negative views like you said, starts with stopping the thought. This is a hard habit but it can be done! You are right that negative people are not pleasant to be around. I wonder if it stopping your negative thoughts will also help to stop with negative humor and being defensive? Let me know what you are doing because I don't have negative humor but I can be defensive which I think may stem from not wanting to make mistakes..why do you think you are defensive?

About the negative humor-a friend of mine has this and only shares it with a couple of people like myself and her husband and she is sooo funny! She says she just needs to let it out sometimes and knows the two of us can take it! (which is true-I can laugh at myself and I just say "watch it" if it is too mean but usually it is about other people when she does it)

I had to laugh about losing stuff and you said you weren't sure if that could be changed! I was thinking something similar the other day about not keeping my purse and car clean- There are always pop cans(car not purse) or pens and random stuff and receipts and I have been this way my whoooooooole life!

Overall, making goals for self improvement sounds like a great start! It can be daunting to do all of them at once.
It sounds like you have a fun weekend planned! Way to go!

Thanks for responding, newmama.

The frustrating thing about working on my negativity is that I have gotten so much more positive the past 3-4 years. I started on a mild anti-anxiety, anti-d at that time and it made a huge difference in how I perceived life in general.

I mostly get defensive about work stuff. It's too long to explain here, but I have big insecurities about some aspects of it; I have co-workers who EXCEL at the areas I am weakest in; X and I worked on projects together that involve those skills. So when I make a mistake in that area, it brings up HUGE insecurity which I block with defensiveness.

X did say that I had gotten to the point where I wasn't being supportive of problems at his work--when he ran into some of the same issues I had, rather than be supportive, I would sort of gloat that the same thing happened to him. And this is true. I was very jealous that he had great success and praise at his work in some of the same areas that I was having trouble with.

I am trying to be very conscious of replacing neg thoughts with positive ones. At work the other day I thought "ha ha! My co-worker just did this totally dumb thing and I was right! (insert: right for once, bitter, jealous, insecure undertone) and I thought how I would tell this little story to X--ooops, that's right, we aren't together, can't tell him--and realized that it was EXACTLY the sort of neg story that was not pleasant to hear.

So I replaced it with something like: it feels good to work with co-worker and help make a better decision about what to do about this project.

Doing a lot of thought stopping these days.

Don't really want to share feelings with friends, though. I am at the point where I just don't want to talk about the sitch, my life, or my feelings. But hey, I guess I can share THAT feeling!

Doing my best to keep busy. I have been telling myself the past few days that there is no back-sliding--each day from now on is an IMPROVEMENT in how I have been feeling, no getting worse.

Keep those posts coming!

Hi Aver.

So how exactly do you do the thought stopper

Well, say I am jogging along...

start thinking: X is doing such and so. My life sucks and so.
IF I can catch it: think: Stop! I don't have to think about X and such. My life is fine! I am doing OK!

and then the trouble is finding something else to think about...conjugating verbs in Spanish and French...multiplication tables... it isn't easy.

Back to bill-paying again.

I emailed X about his doc's message.

He replied:
thanks for passing that on.
Got a bill for the plowing. Can you please write a check from the joint accnt.
I will bring the bill the next time we get together.

He is referring to getting together for bill-reviewing/account reviewing.

So...I know you will all say NC.

But I am wondering on basic DB and next steps: if I am DETACHED; if what HE does doesn't affect MY weather; if I am my confident, sassy self (all of these are big assumptions); shouldn't it be no big deal (eventually) to sit with a computer at a public library and review accounts?

And I was in the mood to purchase a sassy new clingy blouse for the next bill paying session, but me being me, and living in the Great North, I wound up with an excellent pair of SmartWool running tights instead.

So, I would like to reply:
Sent a check to the plow guy.
Let me know what you would like to do about getting together for bill reviewing. I am not available to meet for the next two weeks. (true)


This would be pretty much a repeat of the December email exchange. I survived that OK.

The only odd thing is he hasn't contributed his $200.00 to the joint account. This amount is a random amount he decided was OK to pay, for "rent" on the garage/woodshop. He announced he was going to pay this amount, and I just didn't even argue.

What is most excellent about this: I can see that I CAN carry the house by myself! He has suddenly withdrawn his half of the household, and there is enough $ in the account. If I get a roomie as I plan to, the $ sitch would be really just fine.

It was really exhilarating to see that I can carry the house OK

So I am tempted to ask about his contribution. On the other hand, I also see that it puts me in a stronger position to get the house if he does not contribute--so why push it? let him slowly lose his half of the house.

So--handle the bill paying email like No Big Deal. Act As If emailing him or meeting or whatever is just another "to do" task on my list. Got my life to get to when the task is completed.

But buy that blouse first!

What say, oh wise ones?

Avermont, I truly do not see harm in meeting X once/month to pay bills IF you are able to stay detached and calm. I might be the only one who thinks this, but it is an opportunity to look good, find a way to work in your GAL and build mystery in a good way (not "I'm so independent" but "wow, she sure seems positive and warm but isn't kissing my ass so it must not be for me...why is she glowing?"

Glad to hear you can carry the house...he might bring it up when you see him next though, don't you think?

You know, I admire your honesty about why you have been defensive! It does hurt one's ego when others excel where we are weak, but I guess it helps us be humble enough to admit we can learn from them! Been there done that for sure!

And I wanted to add that I used your trick of practicing multilpication tables the other day when I wanted to stop obsessing about WH-it worked especially well when I got up to 13x...and 14x... good idea!

p.s. you can be friendly when you pay bills, just not asking too many questions. I saw on Oprah that the one who asks the most questions is the one who is pursuing. It makes sense, doesn't it?

Hi Aver,

I agree with newmama. I think as long as you can remain calm, confident, sassy and sexy... it is a good idea. If it rattles you and you will react... don't do it.

You are NC otherwise, and bills have to be sorted out... so, I don't see the harm. that's just my POV, tho...

Thanks NM and RW--

I know I can be cool thru it. And I do see it as a chance to show off my sassy self.

And don't worry, NM--I didn't ask any questions last time except in response to what he was telling me. I don't really want to know s&**t about his life.

But NM brought up a good point--it gives him an opportunity to bring up "what to do about the house". And I want to avoid that subject.

I am practicing saying: "I asked for a year before we make any big decisions about the house. And that year starts in August, when you told me of your plans, not in May when you privately decided to make changes in our lives."

But now I am also thinking--what's to talk about the bills? They're paid. He can check the joint checking account on line at any time.

So I haven't responded yet. Now I am twisting myself into knots with:
"If I don't contact him, am I reacting to him because I feel like I don't want to see him?"
"If I were truly making progress on detachment, wouldn't it not matter if I saw him or not?"
" I could ask for help with pulling together the house $ info for taxes--this would be the sort of gentle 180 of not being so independent that I was looking for all those months ago."

So--as usual--back to my usual ??? state.

Advice appreciated!