Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Question

Today is much better. It is definitely a bi-monthly thing, maybe one ovary gives off more hormones than the other? Plus with the Chicago thing...just emotional stuff. I know this is all up to me. I had my annual goal meeting with my assistant principal who has known everything since the beginning, and I said how right now I just want to leave things the way they are. I am thriving, S is thriving, H is thriving at work although personally doing worse and healthwise doing worse. I see no reason to mix things up because I should move on. I have moved on. H's stuff is packed, I am removing his pics slowly in the house as I get new ones to replace them. I make my plans and sometimes invite H along, sometimes I just do my thing. I am relandscaping the house. I am planning with my SIL a mother's outing to the park every Tuesday this summer. Plus having my nephew THursday and Friday each week. I am also going to sit down and plan a daily schedule for S and I so we don't just stay inside and watch TV all day.

I may not GAL by going out and "partying", but I have GALed in my way. I have my own life that I like and have detached enough that I can go either way. I want to reconcile, but if he chooses D or if he moves into an apartment to make me say D I am going to be sad, but I will be ok.

As the A.Principal said, he is still confused and still working through a lot so I am just going to let things be. I don't want to change S's or my life again when we finally have a good normal. A lot can happen over the summer to make me go towards either direction more, but for right now; I love the life I have created.

Health wise, I am doing better except in the mornings, but I still think it is hormone related. I do have a headache, but the weather is causing that. I am sleeping much more soundly with S in his own room so I think given a few weeks of sound sleep...I will be full power by summer break for fun, fun, fun!

Some interesting things about last night. H came over because S wanted to call and ask him. H was excited about getting some free teaching supplies and some little things for S. I forgot to change back to my wedding ring so H noticed I wasn't wearing it and asked about it. Luckily, a prong is broke so I told him I didn't want to wear it and lose the diamond. He asked if I wanted to get it fixed and I said it depends on if we are going to stay together. He didn't say anything to that. Him not talking is really making me mad. He looked a little hurt, but didn't say yes I want to stay with you so you should get it fixed or give it to me, I want to get it fixed for you and will give it back to you when I come home...nothing.

Other things, he left his ipod on the side table and I just couldn't resist but to look through it. I know I shouldn't and have been so good, but I just needed to know. The pics of OW are no longer on there, but neither are any pics of me. There was no sign of IM's from OW, e-mails, FB messages, anything. It is like she was really just an friend again. When I looked at the FB stuff, there was a message to my brother-in-law from March. I didn't get to read it all, but mostly it talked about how we had hurt each other and how he didn't want to lose me or S, but didn't know what to do. My BIL a year and a half ago told my sister that he was having an A and wanted to leave her. He never left, but talked about it. Now they have a really great marriage. My BIL said it is a hard thing to do, but can be done and said he preferred to talk and gave H his number. I don't know if H ever called BIL and I don't want to ask, but that was in March before the rehab.

S asked H about coming over today and he said he was busy. Then he asked about Friday and H said he wanted to go back down to rehab because he has 3 more sessions. He also talked about cleaning stuff out of his parents, but I don't know what that means. I am planning on writing H an e-mail this week to send him either this weekend or next week. I feel like he is just out of reach...we are so close to reconciling, but yet there is a huge valley between us.

Who knows what will happen, but I have to at least let H knwo how I feel.

Yes, he should have said he would get it fixed. Probably you gave him a little taste of his own medicine. By not wearing it it means you are available. In his "play both sides of the fence" heart that probably registered. For so long he's had you as a backup while being able to do whatever with OW and now the ring thing might send a shock to his system.

Yeah, that was good for him to have another taste of reality with this whole situation again with you not wearing your ring (whether it was intentional or unintention).

It's good too that you are being able to find a little hope again. There is still no way to know which way this is all going to go, but he is showing some small signs of progress. And at this point, since he does think you're distancing yourself from him, the email is probably a good idea to let him know where you stand. It's going to be hard to write though, b/c you're going to have to find a good balance of letting him know how you feel without being mushy or pushy but still showing your feelings. Very Difficult! I really suggest you start on it now then and really take the time to read and reread it, to make sure it's exactly what you want to say. I think we only get these changes every once in a while, so we need to make sure to make the most of it! (If we were sending emails every day or every week, it wouldn't have the same impact as an occasional email/letter full of thought, so you've got to take advantage of these changes).

Interesting too about the OW (or lack of OW). Hard to say though what the reality of it all is. I noticed H did the same thing, about keeping things "cleaned up". Does that mean that there are no OW's or he's just learned his lesson about leaving evidence? I hope it's not the 2nd (for either of our cases), but we also need to make sure we don't get the wool pulled over our eyes either. Interesting too about the living situation at his parents. It's going to be interesting to see what he decides!

Actually Lucky, I am worried about the e-mail being too harsh. I have a lot of pent up angry and hurt feelings that I think he needs to know about before we try to reconcile. Right now it is 2 pages typed, and probably will get longer. I am going to try to pare it down, but I have split it into three sections; how I feel, where I am now, and where I would like to be in the future. I validate some of his feelings along with some of mine and also let him know that I want to be with him, if he chooses.

Another small thing that meant a lot to me and I will let H know how much later, but I text him good morning and everything like normal and I got the normal back. Then I get a text about how H lost his ring in bed and wouldn't go to work until he had it on. Partially I figured that is him letting me know that he wants to be with me, and some of him showing how upset he was about me not wearing mine. I am going to explore tonight and see if he wants me to get mine fixed. If he does and says he wants that then I will do it.

Perhaps I'm in the minority here, but I'd not send the email. You are always his fallback plan and sending him the email again lets him know, hey, if I can't have OW I can always have Awest.

Is that what you want?

And this is from someone who writes for a living and have written STBXW countless notes and letters over the years trying to turn things around.

They worked at first and then less and less over the years.

I can agree with you CTH, but I think it's more for Awest then for H. If H comes to his senses from it, then great, but I think she needs to do this for herself.

Awest - you need to write that email to get all the emotions and hurt out so they don't eat you inside, and then when you're done, you can decide if just writing it is enough or if you want to actually send it to H. That being said, yes, don't be too harsh, but don't be too available either, like CTH is saying (ie "also let him know that I want to be with him, if HE CHOOSES") Just be careful about giving him that power b/c it's easy to abuse. Show him you want him thru your words, but be cautious about appearing as a fallback. I think as you review and edit it though, what you what to say will all fall into place.

Interesting about the rings! I think as you discuss it with him, I would let HIM offer to fix it. I'm not sure what you meant exactly by "I will do it", but if he wants you to wear the ring and be his W still, he needs to make the effort. Right now, he's not choosing to be your H, so you really don't have any reason to wear it until he proves otherwise.

The letter is mostly how I feel and not really saying I am waiting. It is more saying how I am moving on. The pics changing stuff like that. Not really asking him to come home, but letting him know I still care...I don't even know if I will ever send it. Somedays I think it is a good idea, and others I don't. If I don't it is because I just don't think it matters. I have my life, he has his and yet...we are married. Neither of us want to D, but he doesn't want to come home so ultimately I am a single-married woman and probably will be for a while because to me honest with myself, I don't want a D. Is he being controlling, using me, or cake-eating, not really right now because I have my life and if I want to invite him, I do, but usually he doesn't want to come so it is just me and S.

Just living my life...

That's a good perspective to have. Sometimes you have to do what works for you, and if it's working, then why change it? I could see myself doing the same thing b/c there's no point in me pushing a D just to give up my S to H.

Hope you have a good weekend!

Well I finished my letter/e-mail, and i have to say it sounds really good. I don't say that I am going to just wait for him, but I don't say I want a D either. I say I don't want to do, but I am going to live my life until he chooses to come back. I put it this way. We have been going in circles for a year and every so often we come to a crossroads. We can take the road less traveled (reconciling). It will be hard and potentially dangerous. We may lose our way because the path is not marked, but the end will be wonderful. Or we can take the path well worn to D. Seems an easy path, but leads to more hurt and devastation. Or we can keep going in circles living our own separate lives. I at least feel I told him about some of the things I have been complaining about for a while on here, his coworkers saying he is an awesome teacher, while he does nothing with his S. Him wanting to live anywhere but here even if that means being miserable. How I don't know what "i love you" means to him. Everything I could think of.

I don't expect to hear anything from him. Actually he has once again put me on the no contact list because I haven't heard from him in two days. I also messed up the day because of Memorial day changing each year and H actually moved out his stuff to move into the house one year ago this Sunday.

I am going to reread the e-mail again (I wrote most of it last week and have been tweaking it all week) then probably send it tonight. I doubt anything will come of it. If anything, I just hope he reads it and talks about it with his support group. Maybe he then can have help with what I am saying and get some perspective? Who knows? I am figuring he won't talk to me for a while anyway...since I haven't heard anything for two days so ce la vie.

I got S the paint for his room today, bought a hedge trimmer because I have tons of bushes and it is hard to do it by hand and not as pretty, got some hanging baskets for the front porch, flowers for the back hanging baskets, and a piece of wood to hang my swing. I am so hoping it will be nice tomorrow because I am looking forward to landscaping the yard how I want it so that it can be beautiful.